ConFonz, Valleywag's gonzo conference correspondent, brings one hella juicy item from E3:

You know that old joke — "My friend Steve knows everyone. Yesterday I saw him with the pope. A guy asked me, 'Who's that guy with Steve?'"

Fighting server issues and fidgety comment accounts this week, Valleywag readers bravely soldiered on in the War to be Witty.

The support team for Larry and Sergey needs a fourth member. According to the Google Jobs post, the new hire will handle super-classified work like the Google founders' schedules, security, hotels (that bit's easy, only one room to reserve), and other "highly sensitive, confidential and non-routine information."

One word, young Ben Braddock: Ethanol.

What a week for the Valley, what a week for Valleywag! Actually, I'm just saying that. Top stories this week:

A final takeaway from the SF Chronicle's story on Gavin Newsom and the Google guys. On a chartered jet to Switzerland's Davos summit, Larry and Sergey gave rides to a few A-listers.

San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom on choosing Google or another candidate to blanket SF with wifi:

SF mayor Gavin Newsom, explaining his friendship with Google founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin:

Time to drag out the roller-coaster pictures for another "Will Google crash?" media frenzy. Anti-Google blog FuckedGoogle (subtle name, but you get the hint) points out the latest Google stock jerk-and-bounce: "S&P chairmain David Blitzer...didn't add Google earlier was because he thought the stock had become insanely overpriced, and was likely going to collapse." Then the GOOG price dropped, and a mollified S&P slipped it into the S&P 500.

Look, I didn't want to say it. Or even imply it. Vaguely suggestive news photos of a recumbent Larry and Sergey meant nothing. Not even if Sergey looks great in drag.

Occasionally, Larry and Sergey do make a little money. Lest you think the only way from the top is down, Google just picked up a nice little $25.40 per share in after-hours trading. That means Larry Page is worth $833 million more, and Sergey Brin has $812 mil more to his name.

Google Finance: It's sexy, it's dynamic, it's a new toy. Let's abuse it.

The Hollywood Valley invasion is just a swap: the Valley's taking over Hollywood, one clever indie flick at a time.

GuruFocus writer Geoff Gannon brilliantly explains Google's financial future in a way we lowly gossips can understand:

Google's CFO announced that the company's revenue growth is slowing. Investors (who assumed revenue would climb until it could only be expressed in scientific notation) sold, sold, sold. The daily stock loss for the Google founders:

So the "Eric's part of the band" spin at Google isn't catching on with every news outlet. WebProNews asks about co-founders Larry Page and Sergey Brin, "When they're playing with Legos, who's running Google? Some speculate it ain't Eric Schmidt."

Big sister Lifehacker gives us the best "productivity" tool ever: the Slut-o-meter gives a safe-to-unsafe result ratio, or basically a promiscuity rating. Since computers are never wrong about sex, I ran some bold names through the meter for an official Valley Slut Register: