Puppies and law school go together like leeches and community college. They're just a natural pair. Modern law school is little more than a slow process of coming to the realization that you really never should have gone to law school in the first place. What to do when the inevitable depression sets in? Play with dogs! Dogs, dogs, dogs. Dogs will take the pain away.
If you were advertising a legal secretary position on Craiglist, would you post it in the Jobs section under "Legal/Paralegal," or in the Gigs section under "Adult"? If you're Illinois lawyer Samir Zia Chowhan you'd choose Option Two, because you'd expect your secretary to be "adult"—with you! On the clock and on the desk, never sleep, never rest.
Accused pedophile and former Penn State football coach Jerry Sandusky kicked off a sad attempt at a positive publicity campaign Tuesday night with an interview on NBC, accompanied by his lawyer, who impregnated a 16-year-old when he was 49. Sound P.R. strategy, Jer! Update: And oh, wow, was that interview worse than anything you could have imagined.
Sausage-addicted personal injury attorney Richard Katz is suing the Setai Club & Spa Wall Street over a complimentary breakfast that, in his estimation, has been in steady decline.
Did you know Cameron and Tyler Winklevoss, professional Facebook suers, don't even want to pay the attorneys who secured their obscene $200 million settlement from the social network? It's true. But after losing to their ex lawyers in arbitration, in the New York Supreme Court, and now the New York Court of Appeals, they might actually have to fork over a 20 percent cut.
Four lawyers face an ethics complaint after helpfully pointing out that a study of mountaintop mining and birth defects in Appalachia "failed to account for consanquinity [sic], one of the most prominent sources of birth defects." In non-legalese: maybe those babies have defects because of how hillbillies like to screw within the family all the time.
Let's take a moment from our busy Sundays to remember the plight of New York City's fancy restaurant owners, who—because of "draconian state regulations" passed earlier this year—have become increasingly vulnerable to lawsuits filed by employees seeking back pay and tips. Why can't those workers just enjoy the privilege of working and "being seen" in popular restaurants?
New York state Attorney General's Office lawyer Alisha Smith has been suspended without pay from her $78,825-per year post "pending an internal investigation," but probably because she's got a side job as Alisha Spark, heart-shaped pastied S&M performer extraordinaire. Or so the New York Post has learned!
Meet "Carla," who earned her law degree a decade ago and actually used it, unlike some people we know. In 2009 she was laid off and couldn't find another law job, because they've all been outsourced or backsourced or stolen by the Olds. So she found what her law school's Office of Career Services might call "an alternative career."
The perky one-time Disney queen continues to get work despite a string of bombs. Also today: the possible return of Robert Zemeckis, the likely return of Carrie Bradshaw, and the disappearance of Andrew Garfield.
The classic corporate law firm business model involved hiring top law school grads and charging clients for their "work" these kids did, which involved learning how to be a lawyer, because of course recent law school grads are completely incompetent.
Due to some mystifying computer error, the computer programmer who told police that a comically evil Casey Anthony googled "chloroform" 84 times now says she only googled it once. John Bradley also says he alerted the authorities to the staggering error, but they went ahead and pretended Casey (or whoever was using her computer) was obsessed with chloroform, anyway.
Because there are too many shows about teachers and scientists and artists and hobos out there, one network is boldly doing a show about lawyers. Also today: a doctor becomes a ghost dad and Joe Rogan is back, ladies.
Though we are loath to continue pointing out the myriad ways in which the practice of law has become a degrading wallow in the depths of human desperation, we will simply note—for those of you keeping score in your law-school-graduation-present moleskines—that, thanks to a handy new website that allows you to order up a lawyer at any time of day or night, the legal profession has, at long last, become just as respectable as the fast food profession:
Life as an American attorney these days is little more than a steady progression of more and more degrading news stories about the ever-declining status of your job, and, by extension, the rapid downward spiral of your worth as a human being. When we last checked in on the unfortunate underemployed would-be litigators, they were getting their own formerly outsourced jobs backsourced to them, at a fraction of the pay.
