Are you one of a subset of 83 million Americans? You’re lazy, man.

Monday mornings, am I right? Or Thursday afternoons. Or just being awake in general. Oscar the Hungarian Vizsla is not having any of this.

America, you're bulbous. Which is cool, if that's cool with you! The thing is, you're lazy as all get-up, too, and we have data to prove it: Obese women get one hour per year of exercise, and obese men get less than four hours. "They're living their lives from one chair to another," says a judgey researcher.

It's hard enough being an elderly woman in today's society, what with sexism, ageism, and those bizarre "brooches" everyone expects you to wear. So hey, old ladies: don't make it harder on yourself by being so lazy. Get up and MOVE!

An unnamed postal employee (who likely won't be a postal employee for much longer) was recently caught on a home security camera driving her delivery vehicle over the homeowner's front lawn in order to drop off a small package.

Sure, you love the buttery, chemical-y, cholesterol-y flavor of a nice bag of hot, steaming popcorn. But who has the time or cardiovascular stamina to place a bag into the microwave, push a button, and wait up to three minutes?

If you are a nerd or a lady or a sportsman and would like to find out what's going on at other Gawker Media properties, but don't like Googling or typing out web site names, you can now find a handy drop-down menu next to our logo at the upper left of your computer screen. Click-click-click-click....

Well-meaning but inept New York Times columnist Frank Bruni is living proof that being a newspaper columnist is harder than it looks. As a normal newspaper writer and food critic, he seemed like a smart, erudite guy; as a columnist, he has proven to be remarkably free of insight or interesting ideas of any sort. Say, did you catch Frank Bruni's column Sunday entitle "The Land of the Binge?" If not, allow us to sum it up for you.

Swimmer and lazy person Michael Phelps announced Monday that he has dropped the 200-meter freestyle race from his London Olympic program, bringing his slate of events for the 2012 games down to a paltry seven.

When the topic of "What America really needs" comes up, one answer inevitably surfaces as a common refrain: less labor-intensive access to fast food. Your dream may soon come true, America.

In the beginning, humans had to physically rouse themselves from their couches to change the channel on the TV. Then, there were remotes. Now, our laziness has evolved to the point where we just stare at our phones.

One positive side effect of our entire nation being unemployed: we're spending less time at work! The Labor Department's latest annual survey of what the hell we do with all our time found that we, as a nation, work less than four hours on the average weekday—six minutes less than in 2009. Layabouts! And what are we doing with our abundant free time? Laying about! From the WSJ:

When we see stories like the one about a law school graduate plagiarizing his graduation speech, we ask ourselves, "What is it with kids today and their poor plagiarism skills?" The answer: their stupid teachers also have poor plagiarism skills.

A new study shows that Americans work 8.5 hours a day. The eight-hour work day is a fiction!

This English bulldog does not want to move. At all. Drag him if you want. But, at the end of the video, you'll see that a simple change in direction (towards home) is all he needs to cooperate.

Daniel Dighton is on trial for killing his parents for calling him lazy when he was hungover. He stabbed his father four times and his mother 20 times. So he's not that lazy. But he did have a killer hangover.

How lazy are Americans? So lazy we're in search of an easier way to wipe our butts. Meet the "Easy Reach Bathroom Tissue Holder." It adjusts the toilet paper to be closer to you.

I'm no "LEED certified environmental consultant" or "person with a grasp of basic science," but it seems to me that brewing coffee one cup at a time via disposable plastic "K-cups" is a mite wasteful. Well, that's just "consumer perception."

Yesterday, Men's Health editor David Zinczenko got caught cutting and pasting old cover lines onto the new issue of his magazine. Today, he explained that it was a deliberate "overall branding strategy." Boy, was he right.

You people always have something slick to say about our ads. You think you're so fucking smart? You figure out the ads, then. We'll just sit here while you work for free. Uh, we mean...Do the Dewmocracy™!