Renaissance! Promises! Passages! Harmony Place and The Canyon! Malibu, just up the road from the rotting stench that is Hollywood, is a haven of insanely-priced and stupidly-named rehabs. But they don't just not work for Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan—they also don't seem to work for normal people, and they also cost twice as much as, say, Betty Ford.
Taking her first baby steps back into the cokepant-strewn wilderness, Cirque Lodge alumnus Lindsay Lohan chose celebrity-supportive tabloid OK! magazine for her exclusive post-rehab interview. Between loving pecks from newly materialized cool-dad Michael Lohan (see photo), Lindsay described her journey from blow-fueled party monster to clear-minded and productive starlet of society:
People reports that Lindsay Lohan's journey at Cirque Lodge has drawn to a close, the I Know Who Killed Me star having been photographed checking out of the Utah detox facility earlier today. Accompanying her was newly reconciled father Michael Lohan, dutifully helping to load several suitcases full of cokeless apparel into an awaiting vehicle.
In today's Variety Youth Impact Report, a special section in which the trade publication spotlights the precocious performers who will one day either rise to Fanningesque domination of the industry or challenge Lindsay Lohan's Herbie: Fully Loaded record for most hangover-induced missed call times, experts from Hollywood's various child-exploitation vocations suggest that their cherubic moneymaking machines might more effectively generate commissions if kept tuned-up with some preventative maintenance. Call it "prehab":
Even though there's still no publicly scheduled end to Lindsay Lohan's stint at Cirque Lodge (corporate motto: "When Malibu's Promises are broken, head to the mountains of Utah."), other rehabilitation centers need to stay proactive if they hope to win the troubled actress's business following her next coke-panted, hostage-taking relapse.
· A blogger goes completely nuts in side-by-siding stills of The Simpsons movie parodies with images from films to which they refer. Just scroll around, as there are too many individual posts to link here. [via BoingBoing]
· Can Lindsay Lohan wreck a home even while in rehab?
· Unsurprisingly, the networks don't really give a shit if all that screen clutter annoys you.
· A pregnant Nicole Richie in a bikini: Get excited!
If the American Apparel folks really wanted to feature "a Lindsay Lohan type" in one of their trademarked, porny hipster-underthings ads so badly, they should have just waited for her to get back from Cirque Lodge. With the underwhelming critical response to her last project and all those insurability issues awaiting her upon her return home to Los Angeles, they almost certainly could've obtained the services of the genuine article for a surprisingly reasonable quote.
Hoping to further exploit the seemingly inexhaustible demand for stories about the Denali-jacking, coke-panted, briefly-incarcerated-but- frequently-rehabbed starlets whose misadventures move as much tabloid product as the public can choke down, producer Joe Nasser—you may know him as the mastermind responsible for the upcoming Willa Ford vehicle Anna Nicole—today announces his intention to eventually bring Celebutard: The Motion Picture (inferior working title: Hollywood Brats) to the big screen. Reports the Times:
Why, look here! It's celebrated navigator Lindsay Lohan reading our old pal Bill Evans' meteorological disaster epic Category 7 in the pages of OK! magazine! Apparently, Lindsay thinks "the people you meet in weather are very inspiring." Uh, whatever the fuck that means! Anyway, if Linds plans hasn't finished the book yet, she might want to bring it along for her upcoming seven-minute jail stint. We hear the people that you meet in prison are very inspiring as well!
Not long after Lindsay Lohan's miracle-working attorney entered a guilty and no-contest plea for various misdemeanor counts of drunk-driving and being under the influence of blowcaine—pleas that earned the actress one! whole! day! (at least!) in jail—Lohan's image-salvation team issued this statement:
TMZ is the bearer of breaking good news for any troubled, three-time rehabber who, while in the thrall of the SUV-jacking demons of Addiction, suddenly finds his or herself wearing someone else's coke-pants in a parking lot full of Santa Monica cops: Lindsay Lohan will not be charged with any felonies in conjunction with her DUI/cocaine possession arrest and Memorial Day meltdown, as a surprisingly compassionate DA has decided to file a mere seven misdemeanor charges against the sometime actress. A source explains to TMZ:
When she isn't regaling her fellow Cirque Lodge dorm buddies with hilarious stories from the Herbie: Fully Loaded set like how Matt Dillon smelled like a mixture of Brylcreem and cheese, Lindsay Lohan has had plenty of time during her most recent luxury rehab stint to strategize the crucial next steps of her career. With the stacks of scripts that used to be sent her way dwindling since the career-suicide double gut-punch of her coke-panted Denalijacking and the release of I Know Who Killed Me, Lohan is now reportedly looking to return to the relatively substance-abuse-friendly realm of pop music. Rush and Molloy reports:
Fellow celebrity SCRAM endorser Tracy Morgan publicly offers himself as a sober shoulder for thrice-rehabbing starlet Lindsay Lohan to cry on. It seems like Morgan's been keeping it together, but we're a little scared about what might happen if these two ever meet, especially if a car is involved. [NY Daily News]
