"In the yard outside his dorm, Mr. Lohan, 47, explained how he viewed his current situation. 'It's like Corinthians 5:17, 'When the Lord Jesus Christ comes into your life, the old is passed and the new is upon you,' he said." That's right: Lindsay's dad has found the Lord! Today, Spencer Morgan chronicles Michael's path to pastorhood (did you know you can take correspondence courses to be some kind of authority figure within a "faith-based sobriety program" called Teen Challenge while in prison for, uh, drinking and stuff? Wacky!) by sitting in a parked car with him and listening to him softly croon his own tragic Lindsay-themed pop songs. He's also, we learn, currently shopping a biography called 'How It All Went Down.' We have to wonder: at any time during the investigation of this piece, was Spencer Morgan deeply concerned for the fate of his own immortal soul?

There are some addictions Lindsay Lohan just can't kick, and having a diseased-looking orangey glow seems to be one of them. Also, we hear, booze.

Part-time actress and luxury rehabilitation facility quality-control inspector Lindsay Lohan, you may recall, was recently involved in a high-speed chase through Santa Monica that ended with a DUI arrest, accusations of hostage-taking, and considerable confusion as to the owner of the coke-pants that the troubled starlet was wearing at the time. As if the Denali Three's Today show testimony about that evening's events weren't terrifying enough, a lawsuit filed by a passenger in the car Lohan was pursuing has now added details unmentioned by the trio of still-traumatized captives. From TMZ:

Have you forgotten that it's Audit Bureau of Circulation time? Whee! People's sales declined, probably because a steady diet of Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Britney Spears grows tiring after a while; we need some hot new celebrities to hit the rehab circuit and, sorry, Amy Winehouse just won't cut it. Over on the serious side of things, Time takes a massive hit, dropping 17.1% in paid and weekly circulation against the same period last year. A Time spokesperson claims that the drop is a result of the magazine's heroic struggle for transparency—shedding copies distributed to doctor's offices and the like—and that the industry will eventually be forced to follow suit, which sort of jibes with our theory that it's all part of new managing editor Rick Stengel's plan to make sure there are only seven people who read Time, but that those seven people absolutely savor every single word. [WWD]

Let's hear about the other night at Gramercy Park Hotel's Rose Bar! You'll recall that the makeover of the hotel included the creation of what was supposed to be the hippest, most exclusive-est hangout in town. But in a single night, the hotel bar, according to a reveler, was betrayed by the presence of: 1. Cuba Gooding, Jr., being "super-friendly." 2. Tori Spelling, "in bad red lipstick," at a side table. 3. Mandy Moore, "looking confused and a little chubby at the center table getting no attention and pouting." Yes, that is basically one Lindsay Lohan short of the worst bar we've ever seen.

We have no idea what anyone but the most psychotically obsessed Lindsay Lohan fan might want with an empty Domino's box that was delivered to her family's Long Island home while she was sneaking off to Cirque Lodge for a third try at rehab—after all, since she never touched it, one can't even reasonably hope to clone her from the DNA in an auburn hair stuck to the grease spot on its bottom. Still, for the dedicated Lohan-watcher, there might be some value in owning any part of her historic meltdown, no matter how peripheral; maybe winning the very affordable auction for the pizza box could hold someone over until he has an opportunity to blow his life savings on Lindsay's highly collectible coke-pants once they make their inevitable eBay appearance.

With Lindsay Lohan's reported stay at Utah's Cirque Lodge currently impeding her ability to generate more gossip-column content on her own (that is, unless she hijacks a wild horse or a helicopter and makes a break for the bars of Park City), the tabloids have been forced to reach out to the Lohan-adjacent for new stories. In the upcoming issue of In Touch, the actress's former bodyguard celebrates the sacred bond between human shield and vulnerable client by sharing some of his fondest memories of his time as a member of the Lohan family. From Page Six:

• Among the shocking revelations from the lips of tragic former child star Lindsay Lohan's ex-bodyguard: "Dina often 'let her do whatever she wanted, just to keep her happy and working . . . [At her 16th birthday party] Lindsay drank whatever she wanted - I saw her drinking beer and mixed drinks with my own eyes [without Dina's intervention].'" Whoever would have guessed that such a thing was possible. [Page Six]
  

This impersonator may not bear as strong a physical resemblence to Lindsay Lohan as the one from earlier today, but probably does a better job of capturing her spirit. [YouTube]

• Lindsay Or a Look-A-Like? [The Insider]

Here's Donald Trump on "Access Hollywood" doing what he does best: Offering his best wishes to Dina and Lindsay Lohan and insulting Rosie O'Donnell. Truly, he is the embodiment of our age.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time Winona Ryder graciously adopted the role of elevator-operator at the WeHo Target.

Aphorism! The pricier the rehab, the uglier the facility. True fact! And the eating-disorder happy place Cirque Lodge is really, really ugly. On the flip side, you should see the ghetto place in Minnesota we used to send our staff. (Or tried to send our staff.) It was gorgeous. Apparently it was shut down on account of all the sex-molestey therapists and stuff. Whatever. Most of us were just giving it away for free anyway, right?

Who needs Rupert Murdoch to drag your journalism institution down-market when you can easily do it yourself? Today's Wall Street Journal features an op-ed offering advice to Lindsay Lohan in the wake of her recent troubles with alcohol. A sample:

• Gwen Stefani is still breastfeeding Kingston, and apparently Page Six finds this shocking. Um? He's only one? Now we know what's wrong with the Page Sixers: weaned too soon! [Page Six]
  

While Lindsay Lohan's previous swings at rehab were resoundingly unsuccessful—a stay at the Wonderland facility in Laurel Canyon led to a fatal curb-mauling, while Promises proved unable to prevent a 100 m.p.h. Denalijacking—there's always another, more exclusive celebrity detox facility ready to throw open their doors to any troubled, coke-pant-wearing starlet in need:

The Insider and Fox News are reporting that tragic former child star Lindsay Lohan has checked into Cirque Lodge in Utah. You know, the 'hab that worked so well for Mary-Kate Olsen and David Hasselhoff! But her rep has given an "exclusive" to Us that she's in rehab at an "undisclosed location." 'Oops' all around. Lindsay, sober up and fire your people!