Today, as you may or may not realize, is Lindsay Lohan's 21st birthday, an occasion which, under normal circumstances, would likely have been celebrated in Las Vegas, where the actress's passage into legal-drinking womanhood would have been commemorated by the filling of the Mandalay Bay's lazy river with hundreds of thousands of gallons of top-shelf vodka provided by a loyal corporate sponsor.
Lindsay Lohan allegedly had coke in her (not on her!) when she crashed her car over Memorial Day weekend. "Allegedly." [TMZ]
Just moments ago, internet-based celebrity toxicology-analysis firm TMZ.com exclusively revealed that Lindsay Lohan, whose extended imprisonment at a minimum security Malibu facility has been unfairly overshadowed by an attention-whoring rival's brief, court-ordered vacation in an unfashionable part of town, may have been under the influence of alcohol and drugs during her Memorial Day Weekend joy ride:
Lindsay Lohan's crash-and-burn Memorial Day tailspin has had significant implications for her summer social calendar: Canceled, for example, was her 21st birthday soirée in a Vegas nightclub, in which she was to be lowered by crane into a swimming-pool-sized martini glass, where she'd remain submerged until she had ingested all of the sponsored contents, save for two oversized prop olives. Still, sacrifices needed to be made, and her ongoing treatment at Promises has proven so successful, she's opted to extend her stay, says intermittently present mother figure, Dina Lohan:
If Lindsay Lohan's recent Rock-Bottom Memorial Day Weekend Spectacular could be crystallized into one image, it would likely be a photograph taken of the actress the night after her drug-related arrest: It featured the starlet being carted off unconscious from Teddy's, eyes closed, mouth agape, and in possession of a pale, violet-tinged complexion that suggested the earliest stages of rigor mortis had begun to set in. In other words, it looked like your average American Apparel ad, and the fact that she just happened to be wearing one of the hipster sportswear company's hoodies at the time made it a near no-brainer for inclusion in their recent marketing efforts. From the NY Times:
Sunday's NY Times asked some uncomfortable questions about the efficacy of the trendy, high-end rehabilitation facilities that cater to the needs of a new generation of troubled starlets too busy to endure 28 days of minimum security lockdown, no matter how luxurious their temporary accommodations. Perhaps unsurprisingly, there is some controversy over the claimed success rates of celebrity-friendly courses of treatment at places like Wonderland Center and Promises Malibu that leave its famous patients feeling so positive about themselves upon graduation that they believe they never had problems in the first place. Reports the Times:
Lindsay Lohan really isn't going to have a 21st birthday party. She's just going to stay home and drown her freckles alone. [Us]
From the Department of Unclear On The Concept:
Having discovered that everyone she thought held her best interests at heart—manager Larry Rudolph, babydaddy Kevin Federline, even her own mother—were conspiring to sabotage her once promising career, Britney Spears has turned to the only people she can trust, her fans, to help shape the arc of her impending comeback. In the latest of a string of recent, marginally coherent announcements posted to her Official Placeholder Website, Spears asks fans to vote on their favorite of five proposed album titles, compiled from a much larger list of rejected lower-back-tattoo ideas. Results have yet to be made public, but our strong instinct is that option #1—a topical, eight-word homage to another fallen comrade-in-crotch -flashing-arms—will win in a landslide victory.
Lindsay Lohan's New York apartment in the Atelier on far West 42nd Street has a secret entrance, as Access Hollywood explains. And a self-closing toilet seat, which is really annoying when you accidentally leave your head in the bowl.
· Look! Lindsay's enabling, fame-craving mom is literally riding around on her daughter's back now!
· No matter how that Emmy situation shakes out, Showtime can be happy it at least landed three members of the The L Word's cast in the top ten of AfterEllen's Hot 100 list of lesbian lust objects.
· Completely unsubstantiated rumor: Nicole Richie's reproductive system functioning against all odds.
· You should really be ashamed at yourselves for looking at photos of Maggie Gyllenhaal breastfeeding. Sickies, all of you.
Page Six has positively identified former TRL and ET microphone-holder and current Nick Lachey sexual partner Vanessa Minnillo as Lindsay Lohan's semi-mysterious co-star in the indie cokesploitation drama Crazed Lohan Dices With Death, which premiered to critical acclaim in the UK's News of the World yesterday. Puzzlingly, Page Six concludes that the sporadically employed Minnillo "might have a hard time getting a new job because of the risqué party pictures," a statement that leads us to believe that they didn't even bother to view the photos before casting such a dim light on the host's career prospects. The aspiring actress clearly steals every scene she's in from her higher-billed, overrated castmate, whether playing the role of sultry victim or breast-stabbing villainess, demonstrating that she'd make a perfectly acceptable—and much more affordable—alternative to Lohan should the troubled starlet linger in Promises longer than the too-patient producers of Poor Things are willing to wait.
Predictably, anti-Lohan British rag News of the World, which memorably sensationalized images from a video depicting the actress innocently hanging around in a Teddy's bathroom stall, has cast a new round of photos in the least charitable light possible. Rather than recognizing that Lohan and a friend were merely playing the red-hot Hollywood after-party game "You Hold A Knife Up To My Neck, I'll Pretend To Stab You In The Breast A Couple Of Times, And Then Maybe We'll Make Out A Little," the paper misleadingly applies the labels "crazed" and "chilling" to their harmless, high-spirited shenanigans. Fortunately for the fragile starlet, she's insulated from such gratuitous tabloid attacks at Promises' idyllic Malibu stronghold, where she's busy trying to recover from an addiction she probably doesn't even have.
Lindsay Lohan has made a little news lately, what with all the cocaine-having and out-passing and car-crashing and rehab-entering. How do New Yorkers feel about the highly-publicized struggles of one of Long Island's most famous citizens? We stuck The Assimilated Negro and Richard Blakeley out front of the office and wouldn't let them back in until they found out.
· Finally, some good news for Lindsay Lohan: After convincing Poor Things producers Shirley MacLaine and Rob Hickman that she's confident she'll be able to step right in and disrupt their production with blown call times and suspicious absences the moment she gets out of rehab, they've agreed to rearrange their shooting schedule to accommodate the troubled actress's inconvenient trip to Promises. [Variety]
· Proving once again that there is no comic book franchise Hollywood won't take a crack at adapting, Warner Bros. is producing a live-action version of DC sidekick title (Robin! Kid Flash! Aqualad! The Bastard Son Who Keeps Tagging Along When Green Lantern Is Trying To Fight Sinestro!*) Teen Titans. [THR]
· Little Miss Sunshine writer Michael Arndt, contracted to script a remake of the 1939 comedy Midnight for Universal, might need to get some better dreams: "Being given the chance to update the film with Reese [Witherspoon] in the lead is simply a dream come true." [Variety]
· Just throw a brick through your TV screen and buy a new one in the Fall: So You Think You Can Dance wins Wednesday night for Fox. [THR]
· How hot is 1939 right now? Writer/director Diane English is going forward with a long-gestating remake of 1939's The Women, assembling what she hopes is the ultimate chick flick cast, one that spans generations and levels of acting ability: Meg Ryan, Annette Bening, Eva Mendes, Jada Pinkett Smith, Debra Messing, and Candice Bergen. [Variety]
[*Probably not a real character, so please, no e-mails.]
"We're waiting on her situation, in general. At the end of the day, her talent will prevail. Someone will take a chance on her," says Leslie Sloane-Zelnick of her client Lindsay Lohan's rapidly dimming career prospects. Here's hoping! [NYT]
Who could have imagined that a Lindsay Lohan DUI arrest (with the ever-popular "usable amount of cocaine" option), some embarrassing sleepy-time photos, and a hasty trip to Promises would generate so much media attention, even days later? We retreat into our defensive round-up posture to handle this morning's onslaught:
