Ever since we started reporting on important fruit issues, a lot of desperate biters out there are talking about fruit. Look, let's put this whole fruit discussion to rest so that we can get back to more important matters. Here is the definitive ranking of fruits.

The Olympics are here. And with them, a whole mess of sports to watch. How to decide? By reading our definitive rankings, and making your programming choices accordingly. Duh.

On Tuesday Brad Pitt's hometown paper published a hyper conservative letter-to-the-editor from his mom that stopped just short of identifying Barack Hussein Obama as a Muslim terrorist. Now his close personal friends (everyone on the Internet) cannot stop gossiping about it.

For those of you who have missed him, America's favorite pizza guy Herman Cain is back— in exactly the way you'd expect him to be. Cain launched his new online channel, CainTV, patriotically on July 4th (for an apt sampling, check out this trailer).

Fox News Magazine, which launched on Monday, "is the official lifestyle magazine of Fox News" covering, among other things, love, relationships, and style for women. They recently published a piece called, "10 Pranks That Will Spice Up Your Relationship," which, if your relationship isn't spicy enough, you should probably go read right now.

1. It is racist.
2.–52. [see above]
53. Trust me. No matter how good or ironic your intentions are, you are not going like the conversations this starts.

The internet is a rough and tumble place. To survive here, you must be rough and tough, steady under fire, thick-skinned. That's why most bloggers are known to be dashing but intimidating "tough guy" types, menacing to dudes but irresistible to women. Sadly, not everyone is cut out for this harsh environment.

Dear Pulitzer Prize Committee: what is the point of you? Though we enjoyed this year's editorial-writing and fiction trolling — how very internet of you, Pulitzer Prize Committee — you are still, basically, worthless, and, worse, boring. You need some kind of makeover. You need Ryan Seacrest to host the awards. You need new categories, Pulitzer Prize Committee. We have some suggestions:

Only fools take career advice from a website, other than this website. If you glanced at the new alleged listing of the Best and Worst Jobs from CareerCast.com today, this is what you would be asked to believe:

1. Weird that they didn't just aggregate it from Stormfront.

Military service is compulsory in Turkey, and enlistment is denied to those deemed too sick, disabled, or gay for service. A small pink certificate listing the reason for exemption is issued; if you are gay, the certificate will read, ''psychosexual disorder'' and ''homosexuality" in brackets next to that.

Jessica Simpson just loves being pregnant. She loves reveling in her womanly figure, predicting her future daughter's fashion sense, celebrating with big belly photo shoots, and indulging in those whacky cravings. But the thing that Jessica Simpson seems to love most of all? Discussing how being pregnant has turned her into a "fire hydrant" fart monster.

Did you hear? Teens are getting dangerously drunk by soaking tampons in vodka and shoving them up their butts. Or, wait, are they getting dangerously drunk by drinking Four Loko? Or maybe they're getting dangerously high huffing human poop? Or are they having dangerous sex at Rainbow Parties?

Dusty cavern of the perpetually knitting and crafting, Etsy is full of quirky potholders, dream catchers, homemade cat jewelery, and dick stuff. Yeah, dick stuff. Surprisingly (not that surprisingly), Etsy peddles a number of crocheted, Mod Podged, and beaded phallic goods.

You probably know that today is Leap Day — but do you know when the first Leap Year was? Check out these 10 amazing, unbelievable facts about Lead Day!

The New York Times obituary celebrating 74-year-old John Fairfax's life reads like a crazed Hemingway diary entry. In addition to his passion for exploration and adventure, it turns out that "Lone Wolf" Fairfax also hated children, loved money, and had a penchant for whorehouses.

John Fairfax died in his home in Nevada on February 8th, at 74-years-old. Today, the New York Times ran his obituary and it is pretty great, as far as obituaries go.

In this world, there are many ways to exercise. Some are actual sports; others are specific types of exercise; all will make you sweat, somehow. We have ranked them in scientific order, based on the following criteria: Physical Difficulty; Amount That You Would Be Humiliated If You Tried to Just Waltz In and Do Them Like Some Big Shot Because You Thought They Would Be Easy; and Overall Hardcoreness. Fake bullshit sports are not included. All rankings are final.

Well so, if you couldn't tell I went to summer camp. It is my favorite place in the world because that is where I met all my favorite people in the world. More than that though, most of the things I hold to be true in this world, I learned from my camp friends. And one of those is the Muffled Tailpipe.

The year-end listicle is a stressful affair. It's important: You are defining a moment in history. It's hard: You have to remember stuff that happened twelve whole months ago, which is multiple millennia in internet years. Finally, it has a strict deadline: If you procrastinate, then the work you've done will be rendered completely irrelevant at the stroke of midnight on January 1st.