• Madonna heard about her brother Christopher Ciccone's tell-all book, so she emailed him "Call me." He was all, "Hello? I don't respond to commands anymore." Besides, writing the book "was like a giant fucking orgasm." [Observer]

We're hearing today that Madonna might not be the only entertainment interest Alex Rodriguez reportedly plans to get into: According to The Wall Street Journal (via ESPN), the Yankees slugger and bachelor-to-be inked a deal with William Morris "in an attempt to extend his brand beyond the baseball diamond." A-Rod joins Dwayne Wade, Serena Williams and Kevin Garnett among WMA's athlete clientele, an affiliation he and manager Guy Oseary are hoping will nudge him deeper into commercials, endorsements, video games, self-help literature, yoga tutorials, reality-TV dance competitions, and, most importantly, an IMDB headshot and STARmeter ranking that won't embarrass the shit out of his rumored paramour. Yes, A-Rod, we agree — it's time. (Click the image for a larger view.)

Keri Russell and her son River going grocery shopping in Brooklyn ... Lindsay Lohan showing up for work on the set of Ugly Betty ... Paul Bettany and Jennifer Connelly at a parking garage ... Meg Ryan and her son taking a stroll through SoHo ... Ice-T shooting a scene for Law & Order ... Gwyneth Paltrow taking a walk in the Hamptons while Madonna pushes Apple in a stroller ... Ashanti posing for photos in Rockefeller Plaza.

• Dark Knight star Christian Bale is accused of assaulting his own mother and sister. Police apparently waited to question Bale about the incident because "it would have been wrong to have wrecked the premiere." Yes, one wouldn't want to interrupt the celebration of a fictional vigilante crime fighter with an awkward attempt to, you know, fight crime. [Sun]

• Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner may be back together, possibly because Ivanka has agreed to convert to Judaism if the relationship gets serious. [Page Six]

Keri Russell taking a stroll through Chelsea with her son ... Ethan Hawke and his very pregnant wife Ryan taking their puppy on a walk through the Village ... David Schwimmer walking through the meatpacking district on the way to the gym ... Madonna and the kids arriving at the Kabbalah Center on the UWS ... Sandra Bernhard leaving the same center a few hours later ... America Ferrera walking to the Ugly Betty set, coffee cup in hand ... Kirsten Dunst taking a stroll downtown ... Lady Bunny striking a pose ... Kelly Osbourne heading out for a night of partying with her boyfriend ... Alex Rodriguez walking to dinner with a few pals.

The New York Times is upset with Madonna or something. In an article today they moan about her increasing fashion irrelevance and demand to know what "look" the singer/actress/A-Rod diddler's new album, Hard Candy, is promoting. Is it boxer-chic? Are we really supposed to be wearing that thick belt? Answers! We need answers! Madge has been one of our most important sartorial sherpas over the past 25 years, they keen. Remember Suddenly Desperately Seeking Susan, where she was all boho ripped up plastic shit and pantyhose? That totally ruled! But now her new stylist, the cryptically-named B., has totally ruined her. Except, you know, Madonna's given us a lot and maybe it's time to let her go.

• Madonna did not show up to her alleged lover/disciple Alex Rodriguez's All-Star party, nor did his bitter teammates, so he hung out alone in the club with his mom and two "kabbalah buddies," including a woman spotted leaving his house the next day.

We’ve given Gwyneth Paltrow some flack lately for her sudden determination to vamp up her prim and proper image using everything from dominatrix footwear to bizarre backless jumpsuits but, with the need to promote Iron Man no longer an issue, the mother of Hollywood’s most promising cross-dressing duo is back to basics. And as it turns out, all those goopy mascara-drenched lashes and see-through mini-dresses pale in comparison to the makeup-free, covered up version of Gwyneth 1.0. In these photos, taken over the weekend at a party in the Hamptons, see why the Madonna make-out partner should give up the hooker heels for good and stick to (painful as it may be to admit) her lucky genetic makeup-free makeup:

At two weeks into your garden variety tabloid scandal, the regular spiel starts to get a little old—yes, yes, we know, that brainwashed third-baseman has been giving the aging pop diva the hot beef injection—and so new angles are required. For example, we have Page Six's item today which claims Madonna has been "loving" the attention, and plans on hitting today's All-Star game at Yankee Stadium. "'She doesn't care about the press it will get - she loves it,' said a spy. 'It just gets her more publicity for her upcoming Sticky and Sweet tour.'" How this spy managed to crack the complex Madonna Motivation code we'll never know—but crack it they did!

• Jay Leno, on an erroneous magazine cutline reading "Host of The Tonight Show on ABC:" "It's like a headline from the future." [Deadline Hollywood]

• Cynthia Rodriguez thinks her husband hired private investigators to spy on her and tap her phones, and now she wants his lawyers to hand over whatever they found. [NYP]

Anne Hathaway carrying a bouquet of flowers and an iced coffee ... Maggie Gyllenhaal and daughter Ramona going for a walk in Brooklyn ... Lourdes Leon with dad Carlos leaving Madonna's Central Park West apartment ... Madonna and Guy Ritchie walking in the street instead of the sidewalk in Midtown ... Lauren Conrad and crew boarding a sea plane, en route to the Hamptons ... Jennifer Lopez on the set of an Elle photo shoot with Oscar de la Renta ... Newlyweds Ethan Hawke and Ryan Shawhughes walking their dog through the Village.

Now that Bonnie Fuller's been kicked out of American Media, she can finally reveal the dirty secrets of how the Celebrity Tabloid game is really played. It's all an elaborate Watergate-like conspiracy! The celebs are in collusion with the glossies! You know that thing where baseball player Alex Rodriguez was suddenly hanging out with Madonna and divorcing his wife? Remember that? You know how none of it made any sense? Well Fuller-whose career in the tabloid trenches gives her a special understanding of how these sorts of stories work-smells a rat. An aerobics-addicted 49-year-old celebrity rat.

Christopher Ciccone is Madonna's brother and the author of America's most important new book, his "extremely graphic and devastating," tell-all about his sister's life. But Ciccone seems to be getting a woefully scant amount of press from the usual celebrity-slobbering suspects. Perhaps that's because Madonna's rep Liz Rosenberg-one of America's foremost lying flacks!-is putting the hammer down on any outlet that wants to keep covering the old blond "singer."

• According to this one "firsthand, regular and up-close" source, Paris Hilton stopped drinking, because maybe she's pregnant. Or maybe she's just trying to get attention because she's jealous of Nicole Richie and her baby. [E!]

"Fans had a field day with Alex Rodriguez Friday night in Toronto, taunting the New York Yankees third baseman with pictures of Madonna. A-Rod has felt the heat of media scrutiny ever since he was linked with the pop icon and then his wife Cynthia filed for divorce on Monday." Also? He sucks, and the Yankees suck, and Derek Jeter makes me vomit. Go Mets! [ETonline]

Ah, the sweet smell of desperation. Unlike the smell of success, it tends to accompany fallen pop stars, singers who’ve failed to “make it” in the showbiz, and more than a few ladies with a laundry list of divorces and annulments under their garter belts. Currently reeking of it are Madonna and Britney Spears who, as we noted yesterday, are planning a musical (well, under their definition of “musical”) collaboration that promises to top any and all racy stunts either has pulled in their respective never-a-dull-moment careers. And now Us reports that, beyond bondage scenes and nudity nobody wants to see anymore, Britney has filmed a video clip for the performance that sounds like Attack Of The Killer Umbrella-Bearing Baldie 2: This Time, With Hair! Yes, we’ll soon see an enormous Spears at her “screaming,” “kicking,” “anxious” best, giving a whole new meaning to elevator music:

Model Agyness Deyn heading out for the night and then wearing the same outfit the next morning as she leaves Albert Hammond Jr.'s apartment near Union Square ... Selma Blair and Josh Hartnett leaving the set of Regis and Kelly ... Sarah Jessica Parker going to a Korean deli in search of aspirin ... Gabrielle Union pulling up at her hotel on Central Park South ... Uma Thurman leaving her apartment with son Levon ... America Ferrera filming Ugly Betty near the Brooklyn Bridge .. Madonna's two sons, Rocco and David, playing with the nanny inside Toys 'R Us ... Madge ducking behind the seat in a SUV, trying to avoid the paparazzi.

• Angelina Jolie wants to give birth, already, and leave the hospital like a tough American patriot. But her lazy, arrogant French doctors will make her wait in agony for three more days so they can celebrate cutting off rich people's heads like communists and probably also so they can fornicate with their unbathed mistresses, get drunk and fantasize about terrorism. See what happens under socialized medicine? Celebrity divas are grossly inconvenienced! Awesome, right? [Showbiz Spy]