marketing

$35 Billion Merger Fails Because Everyone in Charge Is a Baby

Hamilton Nolan · 05/09/14 09:07AM

Last summer, two enormous advertising companies, Omnicom and Publicis, announced that they'd be merging to form the world's most enormous advertising company. Yesterday, they announced the deal is off. Why? Because these companies are essentially kindergarteners.

Hamilton Nolan · 04/24/14 09:38AM

To counteract America's waning love for frozen food, Stouffer's is launching new ads with the theme, "Made for you to love." In one, "two brothers who have been tussling reach a truce brought about by lasagna."

Awful New Technology Beams TV Ads Onto Your Cell Phone

Hamilton Nolan · 04/22/14 09:06AM

At long last, advertisers are ready to "solve" the "problem" of you rudely ignoring the television ads that they spent so much effort crafting, by looking at your cell phone when the commercials come on.

Hamilton Nolan · 03/26/14 10:28AM

"We're giving teens a reason to choose us," said an integrated marketing content director for Coca-Cola. "It gives teens a reason to reach for a Coke." Imagine living a life that required you to say those words.

Corona Completely Gives Up on Being Cool

Hamilton Nolan · 03/10/14 08:34AM

Kids these days and their sophisticated, sellout millennial tastes—who knows what the hell they like? Not good old-fashioned beer brands such as Corona Light™, that is for sure. Corona Light™ has had it with trying to impress these kids!

Hamilton Nolan · 02/24/14 11:36AM

The advertising slogan "Got Milk?" is being retired. The new milk advertising slogan: "Milk Life," which is supposed to "make that connection between milk and protein." Americans love protein, as well as milk-themed pornography, and the milk industry needs to evoke those unique selling propositions. Milk Life™.

How to Make a Hedge Fund Ad

Hamilton Nolan · 02/21/14 12:09PM

Hedge funds, sophisticated financial vehicles using strategies that can—whether the market is up or down—enrich hedge fund managers, are now allowed to advertise to the public. Problem: they suck at it. Can we help them?

Garbage Yogurts Face Off Over Which Is Less Garbagey

Hamilton Nolan · 01/20/14 02:57PM

The Yogurt Wars continue to descend to previously unimaginable depths of depravity. Now Yoplait is touting the fact that it is tastier than Chobani. Fine. Dog poop may be more toothsome than cow shit, but at least it has the decency not to crow about it.

Study: Most Super Bowl Ads Are Futile

Hamilton Nolan · 01/06/14 10:14AM

The typical rant about Super Bowl ads goes, "They cost how much? Do those ads even sell anything? Hey, remember those 'Whassssupppp' ads?" First of all, stop saying "Wasssupp." Second of all, the "This is all a huge waste of money" position may be correct.

Italy Advertises Hot New Brad Pitt Movie, 12 Years a Slave

Cord Jefferson · 12/24/13 01:30PM

The Italian marketing team for Steve McQueen's 12 Years a Slave seems to have the wrong idea when it comes to what the film is about. Contrary to what some may think, the movie details the time a free black man named Solomon Northup was kidnapped and sold into bondage in the antebellum South. It is not, as these Italian posters might lead you to believe, a buddy film highlighting the antics and struggles of Brad Pitt and Michael Fassbender.