marketing

Americans Will Be Drugged to Believe Their Soda Is Sweeter

Hamilton Nolan · 12/03/13 10:06AM

In the future, soda will not be some grotesque concoction of artificial flavors and sugar. In the future, soda will be a grotesque concoction of artificial flavors and mysterious taste bud-modifying chemical agents. Progress!

Infomercial Scam Diet Pitchman Jailed

Hamilton Nolan · 11/13/13 09:38AM

Kevin Trudeau is a longtime TV pitchman famous for selling the public secrets that "THEY" don't want you to know. For example, THEY don't want you to know that Kevin Trudeau is a fraud who is now in jail.

Americans Want Food That's "Natural," a Word That Means Nothing

Hamilton Nolan · 11/06/13 04:28PM

With the exception of the erosion of personal privacy and the growth of an ultra-powerful unaccountable economic elite over the course of several decades which we didn't notice because football was on, you can't put too much past Americans. Those Cocoa Puffs... are they natural? Don't try to fool us!

The Basic Inescapability of Fast Food for Kids

Hamilton Nolan · 11/05/13 10:48AM

The fast food industry cares about the health of your kids. That's why the fast food industry is self-regulating when it comes to marketing their meat-poison to children. And self-regulation always works. That's why kids are still eating tons of fast food.

Hamilton Nolan · 10/17/13 03:24PM

For Sally Grimes, "chief innovation officer" at Hillshire Brands, her "innovation mantra is 'A.M.P.,' which stands for 'accelerating meat possibilities.'"

You People Inexplicably Love Subway's Advertising

Hamilton Nolan · 10/16/13 09:44AM

You, the ruminant-like American consumer, "chewing your cud" (Cheetos) on your voluminous reclining chair as you passively absorb advertising messages for processed food conglomerates: which fast food ad do you relate to the most? The fake healthy place. Huh.

Americans Love a Different Fake Sugar Now

Hamilton Nolan · 10/08/13 08:55AM

You, the consumer, demand that every artificially hydrogenated preservative-laced concoction that you consume be sweet as a honeybee's tits. You, the consumer, also demand that your sweet nectar be free of "calories," nature's survival mechanism. You, the consumer, have found a new fake sugar to love!

What "Sellouts" Were

Hamilton Nolan · 09/30/13 02:00PM

Once upon a time not so long ago, there was an idea: that some things in this world should be able to exist free from the influence of money—that these things should be done because of their own intrinsic value. You would be forgiven for scoffing at the notion that this idea was ever taken seriously at all.

Hamilton Nolan · 09/24/13 08:54AM

"Millennial males are rebelling against the mass culture they grew up in," marketers say. Also: "One in three say they are 'sneaker obsessed.' And nearly 80% said American brands are cool again."

Jimmy Fallon's Show Finds Way to Get More Annoying

Hamilton Nolan · 09/18/13 04:26PM

Between permanently kidnapping The Roots and producing the god damn endless popular cover song medleys that every god damn asshole wants to share with you on Facebook, you might have thought that mop-headed giggler Jimmy Fallon's show had reached Peak Irksomeness. Wrong!

Outback Steakhouse's New Business: "Challenging Convention"

Hamilton Nolan · 09/17/13 08:35AM

Stodgy, hidebound members of the establishment (who wouldn't know a bold new idea if it bit them in the ass) might not like to hear this, but we're going to get right up in their face and tell them anyhow: Outback Steakhouse is back— rebelliously.

Americans, Who Are All Doctors, Embrace "Gluten-Free" Crap

Hamilton Nolan · 09/16/13 09:31AM

John and Jane Doe, residents of 123 Main Street, Anytown, USA, are just your perfectly average American consumers: board-certified gastroenterologists, who will only purchase "Gluten-Free" food items, because they have scientifically confirmed their own celiac sensitivity with extensive medical testing.