Florida is home to such disproportionate levels of weird crime, you have to wonder what cops do all day. A soft-core edition of the Sun Sentinel has the answer: some get buck-naked in the name of justice and take down massage parlors.

A male masseur has filed a $2 million lawsuit against John Travolta, TMZ reports, alleging that a naked and "semi-erect" Travolta offered a "reverse massage" and touched the masseur's penis and testicles during a session at the Beverly Hills Hotel. "Come on dude, I'll jerk you off," the complainant alleges Travolta said.

Chantix doom! Colon cancer! Fetus drugs! Stem cells! Late talkers! The stroke belt! And women dropping dead at any moment! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—counterproductively!

Thanks to a loophole in city laws courtesy of attorneys who were, in all likelihood, high, Los Angeles spent the past couple of years as basically one big legal weed spot. But they finally sorted it out. They've moved on to legal rub-n-tug parlors.

Cats are known for doing things that one normally wouldn't expect a cat to do. So, should it really come as a surprise that a video exists of one cute kitty giving another cute kitty a back massage? Watch inside.

Just when Al Gore's "crazed sex poodle" masseuse assault allegations were waning, the National Enquirer digs up two more masseuses who say Gore propositioned them. Or, more precisely, "pointed at his erect penis and ordered her, 'Take care of THIS.'"

In two weeks, I turn twenty-four. I've made a man orgasm from kicking him in the balls and brought another to climax by tying him to a coat rack with a necktie and sticking a dildo up his ass. Sometimes dicks are like peppermills I grind to pay the rent, and sometimes they're just good company.

It's no secret that Google has massage therapists: