Jason Russell, the co-founder of Invisible Children and father of the five-year-old who featured in the viral KONY 2012 video, was detained in San Diego last night for "being drunk in public and masturbating," NBC San Diego reports. I know. I know.

Just when you thought Mark Wahlberg had traded his racist streetfighting for hamburger franchises and Oscar nods, he gives a crazed interview bragging about bare-knuckling boxing with terrorists and never masturbating. This can only end in disaster.

In May, Northwestern University cancelled "Fucksaw 101," officially known as "Human Sexuality," over its infamous live demonstration of a woman being fucked. Or sawed. Or whatever. But now, deviancy once again haunts the sex-crazed Northwestern campus, as this recent campus-wide email, sent to us by several tipsters, proves:

Today we learned that some teachers get away with murder. Or at the very least, masturbation. And the fact that this teacher was teaching at a Christian school? Fuggedabouit! It's the perfect crime. One commenter at least, was paying attention during his Sunday school lessons and was able to make a nice little Biblical reference.

We've all been there. Sometimes when you're sitting in math class at your suburban Christian school, you idly wonder to yourself: Is my teacher masturbating behind that podium right now? You just never know.

Mister PeePee is a... citizen journalist with a hobby. Tell us what Mister PeePee's hobby is, Jim Romenesko:

Hello, unidentified Malaysian dude who lives in Bintulu, Sarawak! We read with interest the news that you had contacted police, hoping they'd arrest the "invisible man" who was—according to a medium—"us[ing] black magic to take away [your] wife's 'soul' and rape her."

How is polygamist leader and convicted rapist Warren Jeffs dealing the knowledge that he will spend the rest of his life in jail, never again to feel the sweet caress of his harem of child brides? With constant exhibitionist masturbation, according to an intrepid report from The Daily:

Investigators recovered a "fairly extensive" cache of "modern, electronically recorded" pornography from Osama bin Laden's compound, according to Reuters. Considered in concert with the fact that he also reportedly had natural boner juice on hand, one can reasonably conclude that bin Laden spent the balance of his time on the run jackin' it.

The statistical wizards at OKCupid have once again analyzed the sexual mores of their users, and reached two vital conclusions: Twitter users masturbate more, and vegetarians are more likely to enjoy giving head.

People are into some crazy stuff, but John Gallagher, 19, was arrested for breaking into his old high school in Missouri, stealing boys' underwear from their lockers, and masturbating on them. He was charged with burglary and unlawfully entering a high school. Being stuck in the past and a general pervert aren't crimes yet, which is just sort of sad.

New Orleans pastor Grant Storms was arrested for indecency after being caught punching the Pope in a park. Storms harassed partiers at gay festival Southern Decadence for decades. Now he's calling himself a "hypocrite." He beat us to it!

Did NBA on TNT's Kenny Smith think he was in for some lighthearted comedic banter when he asked 30 Rock's Tracy Morgan "Tina Fey or Sarah Palin?" Because instead he got Morgan telling him that Palin is "good masturbation material."

In November, Illinois police discovered Vikki Myers masturbating topless in her van. They didn't charge her with the act, but for possessing a firearm without a license. Last month she pleaded guilty. For some reason, we love this nut.

Undersexed Captain Owen Honors will be temporarily removed as commander of the USS Enterprise while the Navy investigates his unsurprising masturbation field guide video that includes anti-gay slurs and odd shower scenes, a Navy source told NBC.

Alexander Ofner, a 39-year-old South Carolina man, was arrested for masturbating during a screening of Harry Potter and the Deadly Hallows. Guess they did make that movie too damn sexy. But was he yearning for Harry's Potter or Hermione's Granger?

Republican Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell did not go to Yale. (Or Oxford, for that matter). How do we know? Because she just told us, in this new ad. How else do we know? Because she's against masturbation. Hey-o!

Constantly masturbating hobbit-witch Christine O'Donnell, Delaware's Republican Senate candidate, notes on her LinkedIn page that she took a class on postmodernism at "University of Oxford." Fancy, except for the elitist subject matter! Anyway, she's lying.

Someone at ABC News either has poor attention to detail, or is especially clever. Here's what they tweeted this afternoon about anti-masturbation Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell. For the record, she calls her stance "Polishing the Delaware." ("Doing the Dover-Under"?)

"I do masturbate a lot. I don't know why," James Franco tells the Hollywood Reporter, describing the rationale behind having a "four- or five-time day," which he apparently does with great frequency.