Are you sick of hearing by now how Michael Phelps eats 12,000 calories a day to fuel his superhuman championship swimming for the gold? Too bad dude! Because what has not been adequately discussed by the media is how awesomely all-American Michael Phelps' calories are. He eats McDonalds! And you can follow his championship diet, too! Allow one of our nation's most prominent journalists to tell you all about it: NBC anchor Brian Williams gave Phelps some special McD's dining advice before their recent interview:

• Is Eurotrash social networking site ASmallWorld.net running low on cash? It seems employees weren't paid on time last week. [Gawker]

To pimp its sugary, 200-calorie iced coffees, fast food giant McDonald's offered to pay some local TV newscasts for product placement. And of course the newscasts went for it, since local TV journalism is where ethical standards go to die. Meredith Corporation is putting the drinks in front of anchors at the Fox affiliate in Las Vegas (pictured) and at two CBS affiliates elsewhere. Tribune Company has the coffee at its Fox affiliate in Seattle. Even national Fox News is playing ball, placing McDonald's product at the News Corporation-owned station in Chicago. Station operators offered the Times any number of excuses, but the best has to be from the news director at the Las Vegas affiliate: He argues the placement is ethically OK because it is restricted to the "lighter, news-and-lifestyle" portion of his morning news show. Sounds like the portion of the program that might normally be given over to, say, segments on weight loss, fitness or preventing kids from becoming obese. But these days, if the station wants to do any reports that might upset McDonald's, it is supposed to yank the lucrative cups:

You may never find a better moment in history to marvel at the craven pseudo-patriotism of international corporations than now, when all the world's major consumer companies are fighting to ingratiate themselves to Chinese consumers. That's China, the Red Menace! Did you know that Pepsi ran a promotion changing the color of its cans to red to honor China('s communism)? It's true! Did you know McDonald's ads now say "I'm lovin it when China wins"? The traitorous scum! Where is the xenophobic backlash? Also, ad execs are scoffing at the robot-like sameness of all these new commercials touting various companies' Chinese patriotism. Below, one McDonald's spot, and one Pepsi spot. Do the Chinese really scream so much?

When the movie Super Size Me came out, showing the ravaging effects of a monthlong fast food diet, it was terrible PR for McDonald's. The company spent tons of money combating the perceptions from that one overwrought documentary, seriously! And now, in what can only be described as a gift from the marketing gods, some fat guy has gone an all-McDonald's diet and actually lost 86 pounds (pictured: before and after). But the company won't sign him as a spokesman. You shallow fools! You think he's too ugly, DON'T YOU?

Here's the recipe for Mcdonald's new Southern Chicken Sandwich: "a breaded chicken breast garnished with two pickles." Why hasn't anyone thought of this breakthrough item before? They have! This same sandwich has been Chik-fil-A's signature for years. But McD's is all like, "Uh, what? We totally don't know what you're talking about." Whatever, sandwich thieves!

So. It's apparently "Take Your Daughter to Work Day." Or "Take Your Child To Work Day" if you're one of those parents who makes their son wear dresses and pigtails. We are hearing reports of dozens of children terrorizing offices across Manhattan, interrupting work with shrieking and face-painting and possibly pony rides. It could be worse, though! You could be the saddest person in the world—the woman visiting her child at work as part of McDonald's new "Take Your Parents to Work Day" initiative.

Bruce Oldfield was once famed for designing glamorous outfits for Princess Diana. His latest project: McDonald's uniforms. All the jokes seem too obvious. While the brand will certainly get a bit of a positive halo effect for being associated with a high-fashion guy who would otherwise never set foot in the place, I can say confidently as a veteran of the McD's kitchen that Oldfield's expressed wish, "I hope they enjoy wearing the uniforms," will not come true. Sorry. And is it necessary to inflict a "jaunty neck scarf" on women working the register? The most important quality of a McDonald's uniform is that it's dark enough to hide grease spots. All this upscale designing is a waste of time, we're sorry to say. Click through for two more picture of Oldfield's highly paid work on behalf of the fast food proletariat:

What exactly is Starbucks doing? They came out with their revolutionary, game-changing, not quite as burnt new house coffee last week, which pairs well with chocolate marble loaf. But along with the new $11,000 machines to make said coffee, the Death Star-like chain has introduced new coffee cups, and they're... brown? Was the design consultant who knows how to appeal to yuppies sick the day that decision was made? And now the company has bigger problems: McDonald's is determined to kick Starbucks' ass right where it lives. In Seattle!

Starbucks has fired Jim Donald as CEO, replacing him with Howard Schultz, the coffee chain's chairman. Changes in the works: Closing struggling stores, slowing store openings, and improving the "store experience." Translation: Dealing with the reality of competing with McDonald's as yet another fast-food chain. [WSJ]

It would take a lot to pull San Francisco's bloggers out of their default Starbucks habitats, but with a new, cheap line of espresso drinks and its free Wi-Fi, McDonald's may well yet lure poor newsfeed slaves to its golden arches. While the constant aroma of fried food may not be the most appealing work environment, neither is the modern-day Starbucks.

Nothing says "good job" like a heart attack, we always say. So we were thrilled to learn that "last week, students in Seminole County, Florida apparently received their report cards in envelopes adorned with Ronald McDonald promising a free Happy Meal to students with good grades, behavior or attendance." IS NOTHING SACRED?

Ever since management decided to make its restaurants feel less American, the French have been flocking to McDonald's for their ground up bits of cow viscera and labia. [NYS]

• McDonald's gets its panties in a bunch over 18-karat-gold-dipped coffee stirrers, aka coke spoons. [Paper]
  

As far as we're concerned, one of history's all-time greatest ledes comes from the pen of Edna Buchanan. Calvin Trillin described it in a 1986 New Yorker profile of the then-Miami Herald reporter:

Remember how Jay McCarroll turned down the Project Runway money because it would infringe on his creative process? Or something like that. We may not be fashion editors, but we're thinking he probably should have taken that money, because designing ponchos with the McDonald's logo on them doesn't seem like a step in the right direction. But maybe that's just us. And we'd make a joke about Kelis and her milkshake, but the whole thing just made us too sad.

• Fire protection, Chelsea-style. [Curbed via Daily Intelligencer]
  

• The new McDonald's advertisements in China are downright sexy. Funny how'd they'd encourage any sort of sexuality in a country where the female seeds get killed. [WSJ]
• Frat boys, mount up: tonight's the launch party for Times Square's latest horror, the Hawaiian Tropic Zone Restaurant and Lounge. It's the 700 cubic tons of sand you've always dreamed of. [The Real Estate]
• The 22-year-old founder of Facebook wants to sell for $1.5 billion, and the twit just might get away with it. You ready to kill yourself yet? Here, use our knife and be sure to cut vertically. [WSJ]
• Fox News partially sponsored the National Lesbian & Gay Journalists Association convention in Miami Beach. Don't tell Rupert. [New Times BPB]
• Wow: Weird Al is back. We didn't realize he was gone, but hey. [YouTube]
• You can do a lot in NYC in a single day and spend less than $100. You just might have to go to Luke and Leroy's. Sacrifices, people. [Gridskipper]
• You still have a chance to have your dirty secrets immortalized in print — the forthcoming Gawker book is still taking submissions, and it's about time you told someone about how your refusal to do anal with your boss ultimately cost you that promotion.

After a long Fashion Week, Anna Wintour was hungry and tired.