McDonald's, which for years has played wicked witch to our plump little Hansels and Gretles, has announced that they are making their happy meals a bit healthier. Will this keep our children from having their first aneurisms at 12 years-old?

What happens when you leave Chicken McNuggets in your car in the the Gila Wilderness of New Mexico? Leroy Griego knows: "A bear destroyed my car looking for Chicken McNuggets," he told Las Cruces Sun-News. And after surveying the damage Dennis O'Keefe, a local bookshop owner who saw Griego's mangled car, chimed in:

A string of strangely motivated assaults in McDonald's restaurants continues to grip the nation. Yesterday, we brought you the story of a woman who launched a half-melted ice cream cake at an employee and then struck her in the face. Today brings the story of a McDonald's in Cobb County, Georgia, where the manager was charged with having punched a woman, seemingly for having entered the premises with a service dog used to help her care for her autistic twin sons.

The manager of a McDonald's in Indiana called 911 after a customer went into a violent rage over an ice cream birthday cake she'd left with them for safe-keeping, which had later been handed back to her in a less-than-frozen state. She threw the cake at one employee and then slapped them in the face. You can hear the whole, harrowing 911 call here. No arrests have yet been made.

On Sunday, a woman named Missy Alison went to a Starbucks in the Long Island, N.Y. town of Centereach for a Mocha-choco-loco-hobo-latte, and while there witnessed what she calls "one of the most brazen and unapologetic displays of homophobia I have ever witnessed in my entire life." She wrote an outraged letter to the company, which her wife published on the Internet. The company noticed!

A day after an ad campaign demanding the resignation of Ronald McDonald appeared in newspapers around the country, McDonald's CEO Jim Skinner rushed to the clown's defense, and defended his company's right to peddle toxic food to children, telling a shareholder meeting that "this is about choice."

Do you think Ronald McDonald is creepy? Same here. All clowns are creepy. Just don't try telling that to McDonald's executives, who say he is "a force for good" in this cruel, cruel world.

Today we told you about the man who just ate his 25,000th Big Mac. That's 50,000 all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, and cheese on 75,000 sesame seed buns! One commenter asked why not changing is considered such a big accomplishment. Isn't this a bad thing?

Congratulations are in order for Don Gorske, 57, America's saddest man, who earned his very own story in his hometown Fond du Lac (Wis.) Reporter yesterday, on the eve of his consumption of his 25,000th Big Mac sandwich.

The wrath of the online video takes shape: a Maryland grand jury has indicted two teenagers on hate crime charges for last month's awful, sickening beating of Chrissy Polis, a transgender woman, in a god damn McDonald's. The beating was helpfully recorded by a heroic bystander, who did not step in to prevent Chrissy Polis from being beaten.

Ubiquitous den of violence and flim-flammery McDonald's has always been the haven of choice for urban and rural hobos alike. But with Starbucks moving aggressively to corner the hobo-gathering-place market, McDonald's is striking back with a billion-dollar hobo-attraction campaign of its own.

A Brooklyn McDonald's patron found herself the victim of an "elaborate ruse" when she visited the iconic eating establishment last weekend. Said ruse relieved the victim of her purse, without her knowledge.

Teonna Monae Brown—the Baltimore woman charged last week for a beating up a transgender McDonald's patron while a passive crowd made videos—may have been a repeat offender. The Smoking Gun reports that the 18-year-old had previously been arrested for punching a mother of two in the face, then beating her with an umbrella, then trying to rip out her hair, while friends attacked the lady's daughters. Just as ogres like to hide under bridges and terrorize passing billygoats, violent jerks apparently like to hang out at McDonald's and beat the snot out of strangers.

Chrissy Lee Polis, the 22-year-old transgender woman who was the subject of a video-recorded beating in a Baltimore-area McDonald's last week, spoke out for the first time in an interview with The Baltimore Sun.

The internet has fallen in love with another video of a fight in a fast-food restaurant, this one of a nasty assault at a Rosedale, Md. McDonald's that culminates in the victim having a seizure. It's pretty awful!

Today's the day that McDonald's hires 50,000 lucky Americans. In depressing-ass Cleveland, this employment opportunity was so irresistible that it caused a long line. And then a fight. And then a bunch of people being run over, by a car, driven by someone angry that they hadn't yet gotten that job, at McDonald's. All of this was caught on video, of course. And uploaded to WorldstarHipHop.com. Naturally.

Decency and good taste have returned to the Philippines today, now that the McDonald's Burger-n-Child Porn empire has heeded widespread calls to pull this raunchy commercial from TV in the archipelago. Catholic leaders were outraged at its wanton depiction of prepubescent sexuality:

Inspired by San Francisco, a new bill before the New York City Council seeks to put dietary restrictions on meals that come with free toys. They better watch out. I'd hate to run into Ronald McDonald in a dark alley.

Don't pull that trigger just yet, suicidal chronically unemployed Americans: Mcdonald's is hiring 50,000 new workers right here in the USA, for positions ranging from cleaning grease traps to supervising the cleaning of grease traps to creating spreadsheets that rank the most cost-effective methods of cleaning grease traps. It's all part of a McDonald's effort to keep its grease traps clean. Along with its image!

An Illinois woman yesterday sued McDonald's after she claims she was injured by a "large shard of glass" inside a spicy McChicken sandwich. Just typing that hurts.