We've all been there, posing for Good Housekeeping magazine while inhaling the zesty aroma of a pasta dish so succulent that there's a little movement— ooh— aahh— please turn to page 162 for stain removal tips.

Six weeks ago, ABC replaced All My Children with a new food-focused daytime talk show called The Chew. Hosted by Mario Batali, fellow Iron Chef Michael Symon, Top Chef favorite Carla Hall, What Not to Wear's Clinton Kelly and Daphne Oz (daughter of Dr. Mehmet Oz), it's a combination of The View and Rachael Ray—but worse.

TV health guru Dr. Mehmet Oz explained yeast infections today, and the result was like going to a muppet gynecologist while on PCP. Here's the trippy segment, in which Dr. Oz pretends to be a molecule of bacteria in a lady's vagina and explains how thong panties make vaginas poopy.

Besides scaring the shit out of people, America's favorite medical fearmonger, Dr. Mehmet Oz, is also apparently a bad neighbor. He planted 46-foot cedar trees to hide his pool from paparazzi, but ruined his neighbor's property value in the process.

Child Services storms Chateau Jackson when Jermaine's kid puts Blanket's life in peril. Megan Fox announces she's only slept with two men. Jolie and Franco are shoo-ins for based-on-a-true-story suicidal artist roles. Wednesday gossip is full of surprises.

James Gandolfini walking his dog in Tribeca yesterday ... Bradley Cooper running errands in SoHo ... Ringo Starr walking uptown ... Dr. Mehmet Oz leaving Rockefeller Plaza ... George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis dressed up and headed out for the evening ... Kiefer Sutherland posing for pictures outside the Late Show with David Letterman ... Matthew Broderick walking son James to school ... Ke$ha shopping at Sol de Ibiza on Greene Street in SoHo .. Steven Van Zandt walking in Midtown yesterday ... and Catherine Zeta-Jones leaving her apartment building.

LiLo lied about saving those kids in India, almost as embarrassing as Dina Lohan truly out-leeching herself. Tiger Woods and Rachel Uchitel are in Palm Beach, separately. Michelle Rodriguez talks vaginas and lesbian sex tapes. Monday gossip, locked and loaded.

• Glenn Beck is Time magazine's cover boy this week, sadly. [Time, HuffPo]
• Spike Lee and Robert De Niro are teaming up with Showtime "to develop a drama series about Manhattan's Alphabet City." [THR]
• Twitter is now worth $1 billion, believe it or not. [TechCrunch]
• Nikki Finke hears that Variety is planning to start charging for access to its website and The Hollywood Reporter is dropping its daily print edition. [DHD]
• Jenna Bush made her debut on the Today show this morning. [BS]
• An update how Jay Leno's new show is faring three days in. [NYT]
• An update on the protracted legal battle between CBS and ex-anchor Dan Rather, a feud that only "seems to get pettier by the day." [TDB]
• Fox 5's Ernie Anastos managed to both embarrass himself and coin a delightful new catchphrase on the news last night. [Gawker, NYP, B&C]

• One of Jay-Z's bodyguards was arrested in Croatia yesterday after he got into a scuffle with a local TV reporter armed with a tripod. Video of the encounter is here. [TMZ]
• Heidi Pratt is scheduled to perform at the Miss Universe Pageant this weekend; not surprisingly, she and husband Spencer Pratt haven't exactly been making things easy for organizers of the event. [P6]
• Is it over between Renee Zellweger and Bradley Cooper? The two didn't attend the party for Zellweger's new movie together and, well, we all know what that means, don't we? [P6]
• Rudy Giuliani wandered into Blue & Cream in East Hampton the other day because he thought the clothing boutique was an ice cream shop. [P6]

There haven't been too many reasons for New York Times Co. CEO Janet Robinson to celebrate in recent months. But today there is! Robinson turns 59 today. Other people with something to smile about today: Charlie Rangel is turning 79. Shia LaBeouf is 23. Fox News anchor Greta Van Susteren turns 55. Actor Peter Dinklage is 40. Public advocate Betsy Gotbaum turns 71. Cardiologist (and Oprah BFF) Mehmet Oz is turning 49. Mets shortstop José Reyes is 26. Hugh Laurie is 50. Actor Joshua Jackson is turning 31. Former housing secretary Henry Cisneros is 62. And former football great Joe Montana turns 53 today.

Açaí berries: From the sexy diacritical marks and uncertain pronunciation to the Amazonian rainforest provenance to the claims that açaí will make you skinny, beautiful, healthy, and basically immortal, it's hard to believe that the shiny purple fruit wasn't actually dreamt up by a major corporation's PR team in order to exploit our gullibility as consumers. More than $106 million was spent on açaí last year, Nicholas Perricone sells an açaí supplement, Mehmet Oz endorses açaí, and Oprah, Sumner Redstone, and Rachael Ray have all been reported to be fans at one time or another. Is it any surprise to learn that there's scarcely any scientific evidence for the multitudinous benefits that have been touted?

Peter Dinklage is short and old. He turns 39 today. Also celebrating: Scientology-lovin' Fox News legal eagle Greta Van Susteren is 54. Style.com's Candy Pratts Price looks damn good for someone turning 59. Harlem's own Charlie Rangel is turning 78. On the local political front, fire department commissioner Nicholas Scoppetta is 76 and public advocate is Betsy Gotbaum's turning 70. Mets shortstop José Reyes is celebrating his 25. Indiana Jones cutie Shia LeBeouf turns 22. Times CEO Janet Robinson is 58. Surgeon (and friend of Oprah) Mehmet Oz turns 48.

1) The Modo eyewear boutique on Mott Street celebrated its opening with Jennifer Creel, Phillip Lim, Christine and Steve Schwarzman, and Olivia Palermo. [Fashion Week Daily/Elle]

Oz isn't the best cardiothoracic surgeon in the city, but thanks to obsessive self-promotion and near constant appearances on Oprah, the Discovery Health network, and his own program The Dr. Oz Show, he's certainly the most famous.