The CW was the last to present its fall schedule at the upfronts, the week when TV networks show advertisers what's in store. So what's in store for The CW? Two new shows, but five nights a week of programming.

Her story was a Hollywood dream: the prodigiously talented teenager who worked her way from regional theater to big-screen blockbusters alongside Oscar nominees. But then her star power fizzled, her personal life disintegrated, and she met a grisly end.

It was too much to ask, but in the legends of television, Heather Locklear has been endowed with the powers of a superhero. And now we finally know, even even Amanda can't ride in to save us from ourselves.

Carrie Prejean is horrifed by Shauna Sand's attempt to inspire her; Bijou Phillips' incest movie was a lot less creepy before Mackenzie wrote that book; 50 Cent has some tattoos removed. Et voila, Wednesday's gossip!

We have no more bad things to say about this show (please, try it yourself in comments). We're probably done giving this show the full recap treatment. If next week's return of Heather Locklear isn't utterly trashtastic, we're through.

Only two more weeks before Heather Locklear returns to save us from this dreadful show. As always, we have some predictions on how it might work.

Simpson-Wentz loses her role on Melrose. Madonna is building a school in Malawi. Lindsay Lohan coaxes a club into lifting its ban on her presence. Come, enjoy the fruits of Friday's gossip.

Ashlee Simpson-Wentz and one other cast member fired from Melrose Place. Make way for Locklear!

Jo Reynolds came back last night as a celebrity photographer and her ego was as big as Annie Liebovitz's debt. And the future isn't much brighter for her or any of the denizens of this famous zip code.

Who hasn't invited a crazy lady home, hired her as a publicist, or worked for her as a high priced hooker? Everyone! We've seen how these things end, and it's with Amanda Woodward saving us all from boredom.

Welcome to Melrose Place 101. On the syllabus, bad acting, random sex acts, barely logical plot points, bitchy scheming, and a pop quiz on crazy. Too bad this episode only managed to get a C-.

Last week, Melrose Place was a hooker with a heart of gold. Last night, she turned into that crazy girl who hides in your closet and tries on your clothes. She makes a bad roommate, but great TV!

It's as if all the fans of the show shined a spotlight with a MP logo into the sky and now our blond super-heroine has swooped in for the rescue. Yes, Amanda Woodward is moving back in!

After last week's premiere of the new Melrose Place, we thought it was a two-bit whore. Turns out, it's a hooker with a heard of gold. OK, right now it's a heart of bronze, but it's working its way there.

A series reboot has the detriment of trying to recreate greatness while making something entirely original. Last night, the first episode of Melrose Place did neither. Did no one learn anything the first time around?

The new Melrose Place is darker, grittier and perhaps even a bit sexier than its predecessor. It also tests America's ability to suspend its collective disbelief. And it wins.

For a schlocky camp-fest, the original Melrose Place sure launched a lot of stars. While we have no idea what to expect tonight from the cast of the relaunch, we do have some bets on who might be returning.

No, some inventive real estate developer didn't acquire rights to the name "Melrose Place" to use for his new apartment building. (Although, come to think of it, that may not be such a bad idea.) The ads taped to lampposts—which feature tear-off strips stamped with the address MelrosePlaceApts.com—are just part of a guerrilla marketing campaign by producers of the TV show. But it is refreshing to see a "broker" touting the "hottest property on the market" holding a glass of champagne, isn't it? It's like 2006 all over again. [Public Ad Campaign]

If you don't have a DVR (for shame!), you're going to need to know when to sit down to catch your favorite series, like Mad Men, Project Runway, Gossip Girl, and 30 Rock. Then go buy a TiVo. Really.

Today we have some small casting news about a Full House actor. More news about Tyler Perry. Also some stuff about Denzel Washington. But mostly we're talking about Melrose Place. That's mostly what we're into these days.