men

Men Are Getting All the Jobs Again, Thank God

Hamilton Nolan · 07/16/12 01:35PM

In the economy, as in life, men are first in, last out, on top, and super successful. (And deserving.) Yes, the recession was a hard time for everyone. But everyone, whether man or woman, will be happy to learn that men are getting themselves back on track, more than women.

Hitting on Younger Women Is Not a Crime

Hamilton Nolan · 05/29/12 10:43AM

Oh that John Edwards, that guy, always combing his hair and having babies out of wedlock while his wife is dying of cancer, that jerk. What is his latest outrageous action, that he did, so that we can all get mad at him, once again, the pretty boy? Let's see, here it is, right in the foldy newspaper with all the pictures:

The Tyranny of Differently-Priced Salon Services for Men Is Over

Hamilton Nolan · 05/23/12 10:54AM

Today, in the year 2012, long after Martin Luther King Jr. and all those other guys marched and stuff, there still exists, right here in New York City, the type of discrimination that would have made Sojourner Truth stand up and say, "I don't think so!" [Pause for laughter.] That's right: salons are charging dudes different prices than women, for stuff, sometimes.

Humbled Men Take the Jobs of Womenfolk

Hamilton Nolan · 05/21/12 10:40AM

How bad is America's neverending recession? So bad that The American Man—mind enfeebled by Axe body spray fumes and Spanx-induced circulatory cutoff—now thinks nothing of taking a job that has traditionally been held primarily by women, so that he may earn money to pay for food, clothing, and shelter. The evidence is clear: "An analysis of census data by The New York Times shows that from 2000 to 2010, occupations that are more than 70 percent female accounted for almost a third of all job growth for men, double the share of the previous decade."

Every Comedian Was Right: Women Are Happy When Men Are Miserable

Caity Weaver · 03/08/12 10:03PM

Hey there, men. There are only a couple hours left of International Women's Day, but, if you've yet to pick up something nice for your special lady, you still have time to give her what she really wants: the gift of your sweet, sweet tears.

Men Can Be Raped Now, Too

Hamilton Nolan · 01/06/12 09:12AM

For 85 years, the FBI has defined rape as the "carnal knowledge of a female forcibly and against her will." In all that time, no men have been raped. Now, thanks to rap music, homosexual marriage, and Jerry Sandusky, the FBI has gone and changed the definition—placing millions of American men in danger of rape.

Women Can Have a Job or Love, But Not Both

Hamilton Nolan · 12/29/11 11:20AM

Men do recessions like, "Aww shit, it's a recession up in here, nothing but crappy jobs out there, guess I'll just keep working this crappy job I have, nothing else to do, stone cold watching some football and drinking brews with the fellas, because my life is a beer commercial." But women do recessions like, "Considering these dead end prospects in the current job market, I shall instead return to school to further my education and enhance my employment prospects for the future." Ladies are crazy!

Good Football Teams Cause Dumb Male Students, Which Seems Fair

Hamilton Nolan · 12/20/11 01:52PM

Like us, you've probably always assumed that schools with really good football teams are also full of stupid meatheads simply because stupid meatheads like football, and therefore go to those schools. That's not quite right; good football teams actually make students worse. Guy students. Cause guys like the football!

Married Suckers People Are Nearly a Minority

Hamilton Nolan · 12/14/11 09:33AM

Are you married? Sucker. I mean, congratulations. Sucker. In olden times men and women would agree to be joined in matrimony forever—the men receiving a regular source of sexual congress and a valuable allegiance to powerful land-owning families in nearby regions, and the women receiving a new pot and pan. Today: married people are nearly a minority. So close!!!!

Women Be Kicking Ass at Going to College

Hamilton Nolan · 12/06/11 03:10PM

Boys, or girls: which do you think is better at going to college? If you said "boys," fuck off, you stupid idiot, no wonder you never went to college.