Above: Unable to find an automobile upon which to trod in celebration of his new movie, Tom Cruise, famous the world over for his completely unscripted eruptions of exuberance during his myriad promotional appearances, spontaneously climbs the scaffolding at both the Paris and Mexico City M:i:III premieres.
· In Mexico City, Cruise describes the experience of spending time with his newborn: "The hours go by so quickly as I just stare at her." Sadly, the wire story gave no indication if this moment of tenderness was shouted through a bullhorn from his perch atop the scaffolding. [ABC/AP]
· Brooke Shields tells Access Hollywood that the "irony is perfect" that both she and Cruise welcomed daughters into the world on the same day, though truly perfect irony would probably require that Katie Holmes be crippled by a bout of postpartum depression despite not actually having given birth to a baby. [CNN/AP]

Something about the arrival of May, be it the fresh, spring air, the nearly daily revelations about the deepening seriousness of certain illegal wiretapping investigations, or the imminent arrival of the summer's first blockbuster, has inspired powerful men to issue heartfelt expressions of their ardor to their friends and collaborators. No sooner had we finished weeping over Ron Meyer's public declaration of friendship with Anthony Pellicano than the waterworks began anew after discovering Tom Cruise's paean to J.J. Abrams, the man whom he handpicked as midwife of his cinematic vision for Mission: Impossible III:, for the Time 100:

· China won't allow Mission: Impossible III to open on the same day as the rest of Asia, pushing its release date to mid-July, giving pirates an opportunity to flood the market with bootleg copies before the premiere. Chinese authorities say they're ensuring that the country is portrayed in an acceptable light, but secretly wanted extra time to take precautions protecting its population-controlled citizens from Tom Cruise's recently unleashed virility. [Variety]
· Fox's new, low-budget teen division, Fox Atomic, hires Kyle Newman to direct a profoundly unnecessary remake of Revenge of the Nerds. How about they just release a special edition of the DVD and we forget all about this folly? [THR]
· New York audiences were "polarized" by United 93 this weekend as they decided whether or not it was too soon to pay $14 to a Hollywood studio to relive the trauma of 9/11. [Variety]
· E! continues its mission to reach ever deeper into the darkest reaches of semicelebrity for programming, giving a reality show to Nick and Aaron Carter. [THR]
· A Catholic Archbishop calls for a boycott of the The Da Vinci Code film, denouncing its source material "full of calumnies, offenses and historical and theological errors regarding Jesus, the Gospels and the church," but admits that despite his stance, he "can't wait to see how Ron Howard dumbs it down." [Variety]

· Yet another Great Moment In Movie Marketing: This weekend in Santa Clarita, the arson squad was called in to blow up an LA Times newspaper rack after someone mistook "a red plastic box with protruding wires"—a M:i:III promotional toy meant to play the movie's theme song each time someone buys a paper—for the more common kind of suspicious-box-with-protruding-wires, a bomb. The ensuing buzz around the controversial, but highly chattered-about, advertising ploy is now so strong that Paramount plans on affixing explosive devices to mailboxes and garbage cans that detonate and cover passers-by in a hail of flaming confetti as Tom Cruise's voice shouts "Mission: Impossible III, in theaters May 5th!" from the burning receptacle. [AP]
· Paramount reaches out to the fairer sex with ads playing up Tom Cruise's onscreen relationship with Michelle Monaghan and protection of co-star Keri Russell, hoping to show that he can have relationships with women that don't include brainwashing and/or suspiciously impregnating them. [WSJ.com]
· In dealing with his star's, er, controversial offscreen antics, director JJ Abrams favors a practical approach, i.e., showing up to work and hoping that the tents selling Dianetics with a free massage aren't in the way of his shot: "You obviously worry when you're doing a show or a movie and you realize that if that person does anything in an extracurricular way, is that going to affect what you do? But you have to live in a practical way in that you try to control to the best of your ability what you can control." [LAT]

Welcome to our morning attempt to wrap and/or consume the seemingly endless pieces of chocolate insanity passing along the conveyor belt of Tom Cruise and Miracle Baby news:

A high-level Defamer operative files this brief report on last night's test screening for Tom Cruise's latest excuse to go on a press tour and entertain the world with his thoughts on love and psychiatry, Mission: Impossible 3 [MILD SPOILER ALERT]:

There's something quaintly old school about Hollywood PR fluff machine Entertainment Tonight, whose "reporters" accept every word that tumbles from the mouths of their A-list fixations as celebrity gospel. They recently sent Jann Carl (cloned, we think, off a sample taken from Mary Hart's right ankle) to interview Tom Cruise about Mission: Impossible 3. The result was yet another Cruise-controlled conversation about the diminutive daredevil's fearless stunt work ("You prepare and you prepare, and even if things go wrong, you prepare so that it won't go that wrong. But I do feel the adrenaline!") But it was a bonus video with a nervous-seeming M:i:III director J.J. Abrams, made available on the ET website, that revealed perhaps a more candid glimpse at what's involved in directing a Tom Cruise vehicle. A partial transcript:

· Comedy Central's put the trailer from the truncated third season of Chappelle's Show online. What you'll find: A disembodied, bald head advising Dave, more Lil John, Dave and Alf, and the pangs of loss from not getting a full season to say goodbye.
· Yahoo has the MI:III (that's Mission: Impossible 3 for those who can't decode the cute, marketing-devised shorthand) trailer online. What you'll find: Philip Seymour Hoffman playing the bad guy, Tom Cruise unconvincingly aggressively kissing Michelle Monahan, shit blowing up and throwing Cruise into a parked car.
· LAT awards season shocker! Studios sometimes buy For Your Consideration ads for unworthy projects and performances, just to massage fragile star egos!
· If you're looking for the lighthearted, bubblegum lipsync pop of Lindsay Lohan's first CD, keep on walkin', dude. On her second disc, Lohan goes all dark and shit. Still lipsyncs, though, so she's got that going for her.