Tom Cruise has once again taken a break from the stresses of being the alternately proud and terrified father of a 50-foot-baby who must be concealed from the public at all times by throwing himself into his work. The actor is currently in Tokyo for the premiere of Mission: Impossible III, where he treated Japanese fans to the kind of death-defying promotional stunt he's already performed all over the world. During the premiere event, Cruise informed reporters that he hopes to have ten children, then once his trademark, uncomfortably prolonged laugh subsided, the beloved celebrity charged towards the throng assembled alongside the red carpet, scooped up an armload of confused Japanese children, and waved to the shocked crowd as he escaped in a getaway boat with his new, forcible adoptees. It wasn't until minutes later that the gape-mouthed onlookers realized that Cruise had no intention of coming back to shore to return the screaming youngsters to their parents, giving the cackling, Oscar-nominated abductor all the head start he needed to reach his waiting helicopter.

· In mid-July, M:i:III will finally get a non-black-market release in China, though in an edited, more censor-friendly form. The expected changes reportedly involve the removal of some scenes of violence, as well as all mentions of Tom Cruise's character being married to a woman, which Chinese officials have deemed "too far-fetched to be believed by even the most thoroughly brainwashed populace." [THR]
· We're willing to bet that you don't care enough about the Tonys to follow this link and find out who won. [Variety]
· Director Peter Weir exits Johnny Depp's Shantaram project over the obligatory "creative differences," which may or may not involve Weir's uneasiness with Depp's insistence that the only artistically pure way to make a movie about a heroin addict is for all involved to develop debilitating smack habits for the duration of the shoot. [Variety]
· The Da Vinci Code continues its dominance at the foreign box office with another $22 million, performing exceptionally well in territories where translators' interpretations help reduce the feeling that Ron Howard is insulting their intelligence. [THR]
· NBC's new programming continues to flourish against token rerun competition. [Variety]

Mission: Impossible III may have raked in over $300 million overall so far (with 60 percent of that coming at the foreign box office), but its disappointing™ $47 million domestic opening certainly made Hollywood wonder if the combination of Tom Cruise's massive compensation and his audience-alienating, suspiciously-impregnating (hey, anyone seen that Suri kid yet? Just askin', because Shiloh's already has a nice little modeling career.), psychiatrist-flaying antics might not be great for the Tom Cruise Industry. In fact, according to some people who wish to remain anonymous because they fear the actor will personally—personally!—grind them into a fine powder beneath the heels of his best couch-stomping boots, Cruise needs a time-out to detoxify from a severe case of the "cooties." Reports Kim Masters at Slate:

Disclosure: As charter members of the vast media conspiracy bent on portraying international superstar Tom Cruise in a negative light, all figures from the weekend box office numbers may be presented in a way that unfairly advances our dark agenda. Proceed with caution.

Realizing that their innovative method for distracting their employees from thinking about M:i:III's disappointing™ domestic box office performance by subjecting them to a sneak preview of their upcoming World Trade Center movie may have had its own set of unpleasant side-effects, Paramount today offered its staff some further stress-reducing options:

The powers-that-be at the reeling Paramount have devised a novel way of lifting the spirits of employees distressed by the apparent pall that's fallen over the Melrose lot following M:i:III's disappointing™ opening: by giving them the opportunity to spend two minutes and thirty seconds reliving the shock and pain of 9/11 tomorrow:

A USA Today/Gallup poll showing that Tom Cruise's "favorability rating" had tumbled 23 points since last year has induced some of the actor's best pals to scramble to his defense:

Fox 411's Roger Friedman reports that things over at Paramount, a place renowned for the oversized lollipops sprouting from its topiary and the rainbows that spontaneous appear over its executives' offices following daily, lunchtime teddy bear showers, have become a little gloomy in the wake of M:i:III's Armageddon-harbinging disastrous studio-crippling disappointing opening weekend:

Even with all the hand-wringing about M:i:III's disappointing $48 million opening, it's a little too high a box office total for us to track every person who turned out for it this weekend. Still, we feel compelled to pass along this reader report about a notable moviegoer paying his respects:

While some of Tom Cruise's pals from the mothership clearly failed in their mission to support Scientology's brightest light on his big day, at least one other emissary did her part to make sure a local theater was packed with a Cruise-friendly contingent. Reported an operative on Saturday night:

· A bright red "breaking story" tag lets us know that we're supposed to care about this more than other news right now: The Beatles (Apple Corps) have lost their trademark case against Apple Computers, but plan to appeal. You can continue to indulge your iTunes addiction without interruption. [Variety]
· Benicio Del Toro is onboard and Halle Berry is in "negotiations" to join him in the highly buzzed about DreamWorks project Things We Lost in the Fire, about a recent widow who invites her dead husband's "troubled best friend" to live with her. We suspect that sweaty, troubled-best-friend-sex will be crucial to the grieving process. [THR]
· All is not lost for M:i:III, which takes in $70.3 million abroad. South Koreans seem especially excited for Tom Cruise's return to blockbusterdom. [Variety]
· TiVo is launching a service which will allow its users to search for and watch "extended commercials" from one minute to one hour in length. Meanwhile, they're perfecting technology that will summon a representative from one of their featured advertisers to a viewer's home with a single button press, where the rep will kick the targeted consumer in the genitals while shouting their product's jingle through a megaphone. [THR]
· News to us: M:i:III wasn't the only movie screening at last week's Tribeca Film Festival. [Variety]

With M:i:III's opening weekend box office take underwhelming all but the most generous of analysts, it fell to Paramount's head of marketing and worldwide distribution, Rob Moore, to undertake the thankless task of explaining What Went Wrong for the studio. A round-up of the damage control explanations:

On this sad day, there will be no weary preamble about the restorative properties of the box office numbers:

In its continuing, valiant efforts to raise awareness for the obscure art film they're releasing today, Paramount has apparently taken its publicity assault to the skies. We've received several reports like this one this afternoon:

At left, crucial grammatical and spelling errors cause five young Scientologists to fail their final exam in OT-VII Celebrity Support, earning them countless punitive hours relearning their study tech. At right, well, we have no fucking idea what's going on there, but we are nonetheless terrified.

Tom Cruise uses the occasion of last night's M:i:III fan screening at the Chinese Theatre to unveil a post-Miracle Baby Katie Holmes, who's spent a nearly invisible three post-partum weeks heroically putting on the the weight she couldn't seem to gain during her fake pregnancy. Better late than never! [Photo: Getty Images]
· In case you haven't seen this yet, Cruise dropped by BET yesterday to demonstrate his estimable dancing skills with a move perhaps best described as the Rhythmless Honky Riding a Motorcycle. [YouTube]
· Cruise describes why he took a tricked-out sports-car to Harlem: "Absolutely! I was going to Harlem, man! You've got to bring it to go to Harlem! You know what I'm sayin'? You can't just show up in Harlem. You've got to go!" He then attempted to execute an embarrassingly elaborate handshake with co-star Ving Rhames, who grudgingly played along as Cruise's fingers became hopelessly tangled in his own. [NY Daily News]
· Hey, what happened to that airplane banner prank that was supposed to fly above the Chinese last night? "Fog" sounds a lot like a "visit from the Scientology Aviation Administration." [HailXenu.net]

· What made J.J. Abrams want to direct M:i:III? Simple—a fear that Tom Cruise would murder him in cold blood if he refused: "He asked me, 'You in?' 'I'm in,' I said - because if I'd said, 'No' again, he might kill me." [NY Daily News]
· On Tuesday, Cruise will jet in to Aberdeen, Washington to attend a private M:i:III screening with a local man who won a contest. But the lucky guy is apprehensive about how to relate to the star: "He's in such a different world, I don't even know how to talk to him. I know he's a normal guy, but I don't know what to say to him." A suggestion—don't open with, "I can't wait to tell my psychiatrist that I really got to meet you!" [Seattle Times]
· M:i:III co-star Ving Rhames brags about his "natural chemistry" with Cruise; expect an announcement about their engagement in three months, and another about the new couple's unexpected pregnancy soon after that. [BlackFilm.com]
· Tom on a fire truck! Tom on a fire truck! (Three more laps around Manhattan and he gets to pose in the calendar.) [BWE.tv]
· A blogger stalked Cruise throughout his city-spanning escapade yesterday, snapped a bunch of pictures, and lived to tell about it. [Confessions of a Celebrity Stalker and the Wonders of NYC]
· Jossip went to TRL to see Tom and all they got was this lousy Scientology flier for a Dianetics movie. [Jossip]

It took all of our strength not to Photoshop a cartoon bubble emanating from Tom Cruise's mouth shrieking, "Wheeeeeeeeeeee!" to the crowd assembled to watch him ride his very butch motorcycle to the NY premiere of M:i:III. But by mentioning our restraint, we suppose that we ultimately lost our battle with immaturity. We've got to remember to bring that up at the next auditing session. [Photo: Getty Images]
· The always-reliable British tabloid press reports that Cruise and Katie Holmes have agreed on a $40 million pre-nup. And in an even more impressive act of generosity, should the couple split, Cruise will only require that Holmes serve out a third of her billion-year contract, leaving over 600 million of her best years to enjoy her fortune. [Daily Mail]

The M:i:III publicity onslaught will quickly fade after this weekend's opening, but as the above poster (whipped up by a talented, bored reader) reminds us, we still have the run-up to a sacrifice wedding to look forward to. Unless, of course, Katie Holmes chews through both of her shackled ankles while Cruise is distracted with move promotion and somehow teeters her way to freedom before the ceremony.
· M:i:III premieres at the Tribeca Film Festival today, where Cruise will traverse Manhattan by rickshaw, jetpack, and pinebox racer as he scrambles to attend various screenings of the movie. He'll end his odyssey at the Ziegfield Theater, where he will allegedly snub lovable NBC host Al Roker for consorting with known suppressive Matt Lauer. [Gawker]
· Tom Cruise is in possession of Eyes Wide Shut co-star Sydney Pollack's recipes. Thrilling! Should this item end in a "Tom knows the history of cooking" or a boiled placenta joke? (second item) [Fox411]