Just a few weeks ago, West Virginians passed a law overriding the cruel, barbaric raw milk prohibition that’s plagued the state for years. To mark the occasion, these same dairy-loving lawmakers downed what else but a tall glass of milk—raw and dirty just like god intended. In totally unrelated news, a bunch of West Virginia lawmakers are now suffering from a severe stomach illness.

Gasoline is now cheaper than milk. Stop using milk to fill up your cars—use gasoline instead.

According to WOWK-TV, two men were arrested in Kentucky this weekend after filming a video where one of them runs exposed through Walmart wearing a Halloween mask while dousing himself in milk and yelling, “I’m on fire!”

In a sad and shocking indication of our society's decline, a new research paper claims that something as simple as human breast milk purchased on the internet (of all places!) might not always be as advertised.

When you think of liquids that you'd like to guzzle, does milk make it into your top ten? How about top fifty? Would you like to strike gallons of milk from grocery store shelves and watch as they bleed out into oblivion? Sure you would. Skrrtt—but wait a sec. What if I told you milk could taste like marshmallow Peeps?

Put down that glass of milk right now! Don't be alarmed—try this. It's called yogurt. I think u gonna like it (and so will your health as well).

Are you the sort of person who unwinds with a big healthy cup of "Greek" yogurt? Or survives on a three-soy-latte-a-day diet? Well, excellent news: in all cases, this means you are likely ingesting nanoparticles of titanium several times a day.

The advertising slogan "Got Milk?" is being retired. The new milk advertising slogan: "Milk Life," which is supposed to "make that connection between milk and protein." Americans love protein, as well as milk-themed pornography, and the milk industry needs to evoke those unique selling propositions. Milk Life™.

Today comes the most shocking and demoralizing report on the evolving taste of the American consumer since we discovered that kids these days are sellouts: Americans, it seems, now consider themselves to be "too good" to drink milk—despite clear evidence that it does a body good. Shall we just shoot mom and poison the apple pie next, to get it all over with?

We already know the U.S is in a drought. But who gives a shit, right? Well, based on our insatiable desire for meat/cheese-based everything, a whole lot of us will start caring soon: dairy and meat prices are about to go way up.

Hahaha! Barack Obama made a funny joke in his State of the Union speech last night about how dumb the EPA was for forcing dairy farmers to have containment plans spelling out what to do if their massive milk facilities spring a leak. Stupid EPA! It's just "spilt milk," amirite? Milk is good for you, and you shouldn't cry when you spill it! Except when you spill it in massive amounts. Then it kills fish and threatens the water supply.

Keith Zakheim is the president of Beckerman PR, a multimillion-dollar public relations firm in New Jersey. Keith Zakheim is also a big fan of milk. Don't test him!

Metal hips! NYC smoking! Laughter medicine! Milk drinking! Teen vaccine! Child poison! Arnica healing! China babies! And smooth, smooth magnetic kiddie weirdos! It's your Friday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while we must be trippin!

After a storm destroyed their home, Tha Sophat's parents left their native Cambodia to seek work in Thailand. Tha Sophat stayed with his grandfather, a farmer who struggled to keep the boy healthy. One day, the grandfather found little Tha clinging to the udder of a cow. The motherless 1-year-old was suckling.

Killer vaccines! Sex-crazed kids! Lower cholesterol! Sickening papayas! Laundry cancer! Healthier milk! Brain scans! Marathon beer! And fatty fat babies who need a little shove in the right direction! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—dishonestly!

The people who sell milk (who ARE those people?) started an edgy and viral marketing campaign last month based on the scientific(?) fact that milk can help ease PMS symptoms in women. The edgy part was that the campaign was aimed at dudes, the ones who suffer most when chicks are on the rag! "Slip your bitch some milk," I think was the underlying message.

Unlike a chocolate chip cookie, methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus does not taste better in milk. But a new strain of that superbug, aka MRSA, is exactly what British scientists have discovered in milk samples. This news comes on the same day that a "mutant" strain of E. coli was fingered as the source of a severe food poisoning epidemic currently gripping Europe.

Meteorite robbers! Food dyes! Cow people milk! Formaldehyde life! Monarch butterflies! Lion variations! Breast milk oncology! And bitter autism failure! It's your Monday Science Watch, where we watch science—creamily!

Stop! Don't move that Oreo! The Environmental Protection Agency has just announced that trace amount of radioactive iodine have been identified in samples taken from the U.S. milk supply. As vegans everywhere chuckle to themselves smugly, you're probably wondering to yourself—how the hell did that happen?

It's pure! It's organic! It's free range! Breast Milk Ice Cream is all the rage at The Icecreamists parlor in Covent Garden. The owner seems to be appalled on how anyone can find the initial thought of this disgusting.