On Thursday, TIME magazine was shocked once again to discover that humans who were born around the same time are suddenly becoming adults around the same time. In the millennial-centric cover story of the May 20th edition, titled “The ME ME ME Generation” (alternate title: Some Things About Millennials Are Great and Some Things About Them Are Bad But Pretty Much Nothing About Them Is Interesting When Committed to Ink In the Fashion of this Article I Now Realize), author Joel Stein observes that the past few decades' beautiful crop of young people may be “the last large birth grouping that will be easy to generalize about." Of course, this statement disproves his point even as he makes it. (Stay tuned for Post-Millennials: The Un-Generalizeable Generation.)

Today is a special day, because today is the day that you learn of the existence of the "2012 Sandwich Consumer Trend Report"—a real report, about trends, among consumers, regarding sandwiches. Right this moment, bits of sandwich are flying from your lips as you exclaim aloud: "What are these 2012 sandwich consumer trends??"

Until USA Today mentioned in an article on job interview etiquette that a candidate interviewing for a job at American Eagle once brought her cat to her interview, we didn't realize it was necessary to explicitly instruct job hopefuls not to bring their cats to their interviews.

Attn: Millennials! It is not okay to text during job interviews or bring your cat, you dipshits.

McDonald's isn't in the top ten favorite restaurants of millennials. Aw shuckz, kidz—checkz outz our friez!

Most Millennials believe they have a responsibility to financially support elderly parents. Yeah...into the grave. #YOLO

Launching a new cable network for Millennials: fine. Calling Millennials "the next greatest generation:" unacceptable.

The up-and-coming young "Millennial" generation, comprised of a bunch of soup-slurping microbloggers who mistakenly believe that they are creating rather than following trends, is ready to accept it distinction as the biggest bunch of sellouts coolest generation that history has yet produced. They have an inherent ability—born, perhaps, of a sensitive attunement to the standards of truth and beauty which no machine can replicate—to tell you exactly what is cool, about an advertisement.

The biggest demographic challenge of our times is this: how can we funnel the "Millennial" generation away from our nation's biggest and best cities and into some isolated holding area—a rural internment camp, perhaps—where they cannot do damage to all of the grown-ups, or make a lot of noise at all hours? The bad news is that we completely failed at this. Millennials have infested our nation's cities. The worse news is this: cities now do not want those Millennials to leave.

Ricky Gervais is one of the most hated entertainers in America. Remember when he hosted the Golden Globes and was super horrible to everyone? Yeah, kind of unforgettable really.

Last week, we asked you what to buy for those members of the "Millennial" generation who ironically hate everything. Remember? Sure you do. Well then: here are five good ideas. Buy them or not, whatever. Everything sucks.

What do you buy for the moderately youthful but maximally picky millennials in your life, besides a bowl of cool soup and one-way ticket to The Real World, and I ain't talking about some TV show? Put your thoughts in the discussion section. Together, we will solve this awful problem.

Let's get a few things straight right off the bat. Number ONE, the "Millennial" generation is the best generation, because they are currently the most fuckable-looking, and therefore their every whim and desire must be obsequiously catered to by the corporate forces seeking to exploit their "cool" factor for profit; Number TWO, all food must be recast in the image of whatever a corporation imagines the Millennial Image to be; and Number THREE, soup is great, mmmm, soup. We must have some Campbell's Millennial Soup.

Why has The New York Times launched a new blog aimed at Baby Boomers, when the paper itself is already a testament to the sick, sad reign of the Jerks that Ruined Everything? "Our generation, the biggest in the country's history, has always given ourselves and everyone else lots to talk about," writes Michael Winerip in the opening post. "Booming [This is the name of the blog, LOL — Ed.] offers a wide-open space for these conversations."

The lamestream media would have you believe that the greedy little wastrel "Millennial" generation should actually be called "Generation Y." Do not believe this Millennialist propaganda, gentle readers. They are Millennials, and they are the best. And they're coming to take over your workplace with their youthful, self-indulgent demands.

What the hell do the shiftless/ worthless kids these days want, when they're not beating up babies and playing on train tracks? The vapid young sellouts are, quite predictably, all about makin' that MOOLAH$$$$CA$$$HMONEY$$$$. Are "The Millennials" way more materialistic than your generation? U bet!

Me-centric angst dump Thought Catalog: has its repertoire expanded at all in the past seven days?

Haters: when will this "Millennial" generation get to stop dealing with them? Probably never, if a new study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (and Haterz) is any indication. Contrary to the common knowledge on Twitter that Millennials are the most special and in general best generation thus far, the study found that they are, in fact, "more civically and politically disengaged, more focused on materialistic values, and less concerned about helping the larger community than were GenX (born 1962-1981) and Baby Boomers (born 1946 to about 1961) at the same ages."

A 24-year-old Michigan woman who won $1M in the state lottery last September still collects welfare from her home state.

When he's not defending Sarah Palin from hypercritical monsters, Washington Post Writers Group columnist Ruben Navarrette Jr.'s hard at work offering "new thinking on many of the major issues of the day." Yes, that's right: "hard at work." Oh, you say you don't understand what that phrase means? You must be a millennial.