In what we're absolutely certain isn't a publicity stunt meant to exploit the current buzz around Tom Cruise's inability to fetch an acceptable price for the first photographs of his rapidly devaluing, still-unseen, possibly fantastical daughter, online betting site BetUS.com has announced that it's trying to procure photos of the suspicious infant for display on their website. An excerpt from their press release:
It seems that Us Weekly has abandoned any hope of landing the first, heavily discounted pictures of Suri Cruise, settling instead on moving glossy product by spotlighting Tom Cruise's profoundly strange delay of the initial public appearance of his possibly nonexistent daughter as the BABY MYSTERY, even going so far as to run a Where's Suri? clock counting the days since the Miracle Baby's alleged birth. But after three months of waiting for proof that Cruise can at least be bothered to pull a stand-in baby off the toddler rack for a photo shoot to ease the public's suspicions, we're ready to upgrade the situation from "mystery" to "riddle that would make the Sphinx incontinent." To add to the weirdness, Us reports that even Cruise's BFFs, both of the regular and Scientological flavors, have yet to gain an audience with the world's most elusive rugrat:
While millions hold their breath, gradually turn purple, and quietly expire from self-inflicted asphyxiation waiting for Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes to finally consent to an official Miracle Baby photo shoot, Fox 411's Roger Friedman claims to know why pictures of Suri Cruise haven't hit the cover of People yet: No one offered America's Most Suspicious Couple enough money for the privilege:
Tom Cruise has once again demonstrated his unparalleled gift for making even the most routine of celebrity milestones seem incredibly suspicious, following up his globe-trotting, joint Mission: Impossible III/My Imprisoned Fiancée Is Having Someone's Baby Tour with a 58 day infant image embargo that has many wondering if said Miracle Baby actually exists. Humpy E! gossip-withholder Ted Casablanca coyly suggests that people in Cruise's orbit are feeding him "shocking statements, revelations and just plain tacky-ass info" that lawyers will not let him share, but is kind enough to pass along the official word from the star's epically inept public relations team:
America's Most Suspicious Couple has taken the next step in trying to convince the world that Katie Holmes that the Miracle Baby actually spent some quality time in her reproductive system. It's been exactly a month since the little bundle of maternal imprisonment arrived, and while we still have no photographic evidence of the infant, we've now been treated to the sight of Holmes' suddenly curvy postpartum figure and these new, completely accidental candid photos of what appear to be stretch marks. The conspiracy-minded might leap to the conclusion that this is some sort of false stomach constructed by Hollywood's most talented latex effects artists, but we think they favored a more low-tech approach, wherein Holmes laid bare belly-down on a shag carpet for the two hours before their latest, Suri-less foray into public.
Excuse us if we can't muster any enthusiasm for the announcement of Britney Spears' pregnancy, as happy as we are that it will eventually yield a much-needed, second paparazzi getaway driver/high chair structural integrity tester for the family, relieving some of the enormous pressure on Sean Preston to hold down both jobs. But between the recent, suspicious arrival of the Miracle Baby and the crushing anticipation surrounding the Chosen One's impending Namibian birth, there's just no more room in our hearts right now. We're sure you understand.
ABC is once again handing over a chunk of its Friday night to Tom Cruise, following up last week's Diane Sawyer Primetime interview with a 20/20 special tonight on the actor's true little darling, the upcoming M:i3. Miracle Baby talk was inevitable, as Cruise describes the experience of new fatherhood:
Perhaps the single most debated Hollywood brainteaser since "Hey, what the hell happened to Helen Hunt?", the etymological origin and significance of the Cruise child's name, Suri, has been the focus of near Talmudic levels of scholarship in the days since her birthing. We therefore update our initial Suri analysis with an appendix:
Welcome to our morning attempt to wrap and/or consume the seemingly endless pieces of chocolate insanity passing along the conveyor belt of Tom Cruise and Miracle Baby news:
· Kirstie Alley tells People, "Tom does everything 150 percent, and fatherhood he does 300 percent. They're going to have a great kid," removing even the faintest hope that the child might have any semblance of a normal existence.
· So what's Suri going to be up to in 2030? Pretty much what you'd expect, according to TVGasm's predictions.
· Inspired by the Cruise family's newest addition, Gallery of the Absurd does some typically fine work in the grotesque celebrity caricature space.
· Should Cruise find himself craving some placenta when his current stash runs out, a fresh supply isn't far away.
· Two from Gawker: A People reporter on the Miracle Baby beat, and perhaps the world's most unfortunately named catering company.
· OK, this one isn't Miracle Baby related at all: Fleshbot wants to get you all horny about the Carolyn Murphy sex tape. Mission accomplished.
Much like everything else regarding the arrival of the Miracle Baby, her name arrives swaddled in mystery. We can already recite by heart the "official" explanation as it appears in the People-exclusive scriptures: "Suri has its origins in Hebrew meaning 'princess,' or in Persian meaning 'red rose.'" But the Hebrew word for princess is "Sarah," not Suri. While we're still standing by our futuristic seafaring vessel name theory, here's a round-up of some of the others:
Any event as momentous as yesterday's Miracle Birth is sure to have its share of unanswered questions (for the moment, we're not talking about ones of parentage), and several readers found themselves instantly curious about a strange cameo in the AP story announcing the arrival of young Suri Cruise:
We were too drained by the rigors of childbirth to note this in the wake of the announcement of the Miracle Baby's arrival (the temporary deafness and disorientation resulting from the blast of celestial trumpets didn't help, either), but as many of you probably know by now, longtime Tom Cruise nemesis and dangerous street-drug addict Brooke Shields also gave birth to a daughter yesterday. And while Grier Hammond Henchy begins a lifetime as a foil for Suri "How do ya like them apples, Brooke?" Cruise, we imagine that the two won't meet until they seek each other out during their rebellious teenage years, download a copy of Endless Love to their PhonePods, and bond over their strange connection while smoking some dope. However, if this totally unsubstantiated bit of tinfoil-hattery we received in an e-mail last night is accurate, the two kids may already have crossed paths:
It's happened.
