Is "fishers of men" a euphemism for cruising? Adam Lambert kisses a girl. Shakira makes fetal position sexy. Lil' Wayne has eight root canals. The guy who punched Romney is a famed rapper. Friday gossip wants to drill, baby, drill.

"Breaking," ha: be-hair-gelled governing robot Mitt Romney was totally attacked by a fellow patriotic American whilst in flight! Romney did not get all fucked up—or did he(??). What we know at this point:

The punditocracy say that Mike Huckabee's clemency towards a prisoner who went on to shoot four police officers has given his potential 2012 opponents a gift. But he's not the only GOP hopeful who's written his own attack ads.

Ben Smith followed Mike Huckabee around for a while as he sold his new Christmas book.

Did you attend the fourth annual Values Voters Summit at Washington's Omni Shoreham Hotel? No? You missed some awesome Breakout Sessions.

Future president Mitt Romney is both a "Bainiac"—a data-obsessed business android indoctrinated into Bain and Company's cultish worldview—and a Mormon. So his foreign policy is a weird, numerological, schematic mess. Here it is in PowerPoint, his native language.

Mark Sanford was totally going to be the next president, until he fell in love with Maria. Now, not so much. But Republican strategists have so many other Great White Hopes! What disasters will greet them?

Liza Minnelli turns 63 today. Darryl Strawberry is 47. James Taylor is turning 61. Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney is turning 62. Playwright Edward Albee is 81. Pete Doherty is 30. Author Dave Eggers is turning 39. Publicist Ken Sunshine is 61. Director Rob Cohen (The Fast and the Furious, XXX) is 60. Al Jarreau is turning 69. Actor Aaron Eckhart is 41. Novelist Carl Hiaasen is 56. SportsCenter anchor Steve Levy is 44. And the most famous male porn star in history, Ron Jeremy, is 56 today.

Democrats are always so disappointing when they talk about the economy in speeches. Barack Obama's speech last week, while good, was long on pandernomics and short on the sort of basic insight into the rational inadequacies of economic indicators etc. etc. that could actually win over people's minds. Of course, as we noted when we read that giant Times Magazine story on Obamanomics, such things do not exactly lend themselves to pithy soundbites! Maybe it takes a true leader who has actually run a business to explain this stuff. Meet Mitt Romney! He gave a speech on Wednesday that no one watched. They missed out, because it was crazy. We have boiled it down to 42 soundbiting seconds of tried-and-true Republican rhetoric! Watch and be schooled, Austan Goolsbee!And just for Mr. Dismal here is the speech in its (admittedly more contradictory!) entirety.

Paul Harvey, the insane right-wing radio propagandist with the honey-sweet voice and gentle demeanor, is on vacation, even though you thought he was dead. Filling in for him? Former presidentical candidate and ex-governor of Massachusetts Mitt Romney. [CJR]

David Letterman developed an awesome cottage industry repeatedly tweaking his "Mitt Romney looks like..." joke before the animatronic, amazingly lifelike demagogue dropped out of the race for the Republican presidential nomination earlier this month. But Jon Stewart just won't let the gag die. Speaking to Larry King tonight, Stewart worked in two digs about Romney, one of which actually began with the words "he looks like..." Letterman's ownership of the meme is so complete Stewart will probably have to cut a royalty check tomorrow morning, but it will be so worth it:

With Romney dropping out of the race, his cofinance chair, retiring eBay CEO Meg Whitman has been outbid on a Cabinet position in the Romney Administration. But what about running for governor of California? Retired businesspeople need to find something to do with their time. Sitting around the house after running a company 24/7 is all too intolerable. Yes, Whitman smashed rumors of a 2010 gubernatorial run in California, but many, many, wannabe politicians say that before jumping into a race.

What will we miss most about Mitt Romney's now dead campaign? He was perfect fodder for Letterman's not-striking writers. Since Iowa, Letterman's been offering a good half-dozen Romney one-liners in every monologue. Attached, a video compilation of a few magical nights of Mitt Romney jokes. Never forget. (Our favorite, sadly, is not included: "Mitt Romney looks like the American president in a Canadian movie.")

Mitt Romney, my choice for president, "suspended" his campaign today. More disappointing? Dave Winer, who will never, ever let you forget his pioneering role in blogging, will continue to blather on about the election in his Twitter feed for months and months. Dude, we get it. You like Obama.

The prettiest remaining candidate in the race for the presidency is finally calling it quits. Former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney, who has so far won mostly states he's actually lived in, will address the Conservative Political Action Conference at 12:15 today to say "ARE YOU MONSTERS HAPPY NOW?" and then stalk off forever. A nation mourns. [Time]

Democratic primary

Could retiring eBay CEO Meg Whitman run to be the next governor of California, as the Los Angeles Times speculated recently? Absolutely not, she told managers at the San Jose-based auction giant recently. But as that rumor was quashed, another one arose: That she's angling to be a Cabinet secretary in a future Mitt Romney presidency. Romney's campaign is still seen as a longshot. But the two share close ties. Whitman is Romney's finance cochair. And they both belong to a shadowy, secretive cult with vast, poorly understood powers — that is to say, they're both former management consultants.

Senator Clinton polls higher than Senator Obama in Santa Clara County, 43 percent to 27 percent, a Clinton campaign staffer told the Wall Street Journal. But we know what really counts in Silicon Valley: money. And when it comes to raising cash, Barack Obama's winning over the tech crowd. He raised about $500,000 just last weekend at a breakfast in Atherton. Wondering who was there? Here's a list of known Silicon Valley supporters for each candidate.

23/6 is the political satire website from the Huffington Post and IAC. You know, sort of an Onion for the crowd that goes to College Humor for the biting wit. Now's your chance to get the sure-to-be-valuable commemorative 23/6 t-shirt! Look how excited one recipient is:

The big Times story about how Mitt Romney's race is all about still trying to live up to the expectations of his nutty coulda-been-a-contender dad is pretty fascinating (LOL @ Ann Romney saying, essentially, "My husband is running for president because of unresolved daddy issues") but this sentence is more or less the platonic ideal of shitty campaign journalism: "(Opponents say Mr. Romney has shifted on gun control, gay rights and immigration as well)." Leaving aside the period placement outside the parenthesis, "OPPONENTS" "SAY" THOSE THINGS BECAUSE THEY'RE VERIFIABLE FACTS. Some critics have charged that Rudy Giuliani is bald! And, uh, a serial adulterer. [NYT]