Americans are drinking less soda with each passing year—which makes the remaining soda that we do drink all the more important. Sadly, new evidence indicates that this country’s taste in soda is going to hell. Hey, someone call a “Doctor....”

The brands were out in full force during Sunday’s Superbowl, reaching the eyeballs of millions of consumers with millions of dollars. Mountain Dew took a novel tack, attempting to create the most grotesque, unsettling, and plain awful character of all (worse, even, than Norm MacDonald’s Colonel Sanders): PuppyMonkeyBaby.

The advent of Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew—Dewitos, if you will (I won't)—has created a snack-beverage singularity akin to a spiritual experience, and Stephen Colbert is totally on board. Bring it on! Drinkify everything!

What looks like Mountain Dew, tastes like Doritos, and sounds just awful? If you guessed "Dewitos," a new soft drink concocted by the food criminals at Pepsi, congratulations, you're qualified to be an executive at America's largest food and beverage company.

A Florida elementary school has agreed to stop its longstanding policy of giving kids Mountain Dew as brain fuel before the state's most important standardized test.

Hiring "controversial" rappers to be your brand ambassadors can be a blessing and a curse. Mountain Dew, the extreme corn-syrup beverage, is learning a peculiar fact about these spokespeople: They tend to generate controversy.

Since coffee is for pussies and tea is way gay, PepsiCo's Mountain Dew has a new morning soda to start your day off right. It's called Kickstart and it sounds delightful.

Big day for gross sodas. First, there was breaking news that Diet Pepsi is faker than ever. Now comes word that Taco Bell is adding a surely horrid new drink called Mtn Dew A.M. to its breakfast menu (ed. note: when did Taco Bell get breakfast?). Mtn Dew A.M. is a combination of regular disgusting Mountain Dew with Tropicana orange juice, so maybe it's healthy? Impossible to know because a "representative for Taco Bell wasn't immediately available to provide details on the orange juice-to-soda ratio in Mtn Dew A.M." Oh well.

Mountain Dew — excuse me, Mtn Dew — reached out to Internet users for assistance in giving its new green-apple-infused beverage a name by launching a viral contest called "Dub the Dew."

What is the best kind of soda, all things considered? That's right: it's Diet Mtn Dew. No contest.

If there's one thing everyone knows about Mountain Dew, the soda specifically designed to gross out your mom when you make her buy it for sleepovers, it's that it's extreme. How extreme? So extreme it will turn a mouse into jelly!

This afternoon, Glenn Beck went off on a tangent about his belief that unwise government spending leads to the decay of cities. Then, he used some very energetic—and delicious!—metaphors, comparing public funding for the arts to junk food.

You people always have something slick to say about our ads. You think you're so fucking smart? You figure out the ads, then. We'll just sit here while you work for free. Uh, we mean...Do the Dewmocracy™!