If there's ever a man to disprove your long-held hope that the older you get, the less you'll give a shit what other people think, it's 81-year-old A Prairie Home Companion director Robert Altman. On the eve of his movie's big opening, Altman nervously admits to still desperately needing the approval of his peers, despite the fact that most of them are already dead:
There's something refreshing about a celebrity who can quickly recognize, accept, then proudly claim their rigidly fated, D-list status. Take for example Kristin Cavallari, who has parlayed a stint on MTV's Laguna Beach, playing nothing more than a loosely scripted version of her spoiled, horny self, into a full-time career packed with all kinds of exciting opportunities to pick up Jessica Simpson's sloppy seconds:
Because we were out having drinks all evening last night — and, yes, we know: mah nishtanah, etc.? — we missed Liz Taylor on Larry King Live. It's rare you get to see quite so much old-person doddering in one hour of television, at least if you live anywhere north of West Palm, and, indeed, from what we understand the broadcast didn't disappoint. Some highlights, selected by a devoted reader:
The X-chromosome-abundant cast members of X-Men: The Last Stand sat down for some frank, mutant girl talk with the AP in support of the movie's premiere at Cannes. Among their revelations: Anna Paquin suffers from a crippling case of superpower envy, while Halle Berry, still mistrustful of men, only wishes her character Storm could find some true romance:
Paramount has much riding on Jackass: Number Two, with the hit-hungry studio praying audiences will show up for another heaping serving of its particular brand of inter-rectal Hot Wheels fun. Director Jeff Tremaine—whose face became familiar to West Hollywood locals when Jackass star Johnny Knoxville put it on a billboard promoting a fictional gay cruise line—spoke to MTV.com about his unwitting participation in the viral marketing prank:
And, once again, all pop-culture critics everywhere are reminded of their utter irrelevance. Sigh.
The Da Vinci Code is causing all sorts of controversy — over the portrayal of the Catholic Church, over how bad Opie's movie is — but CourtTV has found a whole new controversy: Albino blackface (whiteface?)! On the CourtTV website, writer (and blogger) Susie Felber interviews Victor Varnado, the New Yorker who is, it seems, the country's leading albino actor, and he's pissed the bad-guy role of the albino monk went to — be sure you're sitting down — a non-albino. There's also some discussion of the fact that albinos are always bad guys in movies, which we probably ought to get into, and we were going to make a reference to the quasi-analogous Jonathan Pryce/Miss Saigon Equity contretemps. But instead we think we'll just go rent Foul Play.
Another contentious film is set to premiere at Cannes tomorrow night, though the religious suppositions challenged in Fast Food Nation—a fictionalized movie starring Ethan Hawke based on the non-fiction best seller—are about America's blind worship of fast food behemoth chains and their conveniently numbered combo menus. And while the industry's deeply vested interests haven't rallied a counterattack to match the scale of that of Da Vinci's devout detractors, as the WSJ reports, they still don't plan on letting Nation premiere without a fight:
• Red-carpet watchers spend far too long studying pictures of TomKat and conclude that Cruise has started wearing lifts too appear less Lilliputian. Developing... [Lowdown]
• And in other TomKat news, did the Church of Scientology buy $9,000 worth of tickets for their messiah's premiere of MI:3? If so, it certainly didn't do much to bolster the box office — and besides, wouldn't Tom host a free screening at the Celebrity Center? [Hollywood Interrupted]
• Finally, lest TomKat make a single, undocumented move, Tom spends over $900 on Mother's Day flowers for his captured bride-to-be. [Scoop]
• The bloating makes her cranky: Britney Spears refuses to pay for K-Fed to go to Vegas for a weekend on her dime, and thus her husband is grounded without allowance. [Page Six]
• Kimora Lee gets no public love from her semi-estranged husband Russell Simmons, who publicly treats his Phat Baby like a leper. [R&M (last item)]
• Publicist Jonathan Cheban sells off his Clarendon clothing label and launches a new one called Kritik. Because everyone's one — get it? Sure to be loved by many a spelling-challenged Lohan. [Page Six]
Oxfeld: did you know, before the sunday times told you, that "poseidon adventure" was a big gay movie?
Coen: i had no idea. but once i read that, i assumed you had watched it during your pubescent years and have since associated tidal waves with the tidal wave of emotion in realizing you liked boys.
Oxfeld: i had no idea till yesterday
Coen: really? but now, when you see trailers for it, you get a little turned on — right?
Oxfeld: um, no.
Oxfeld: haven't seen a trailer. never saw the movie.
Coen: then you're not really gay!
Oxfeld: right. didn't see it cause pubescent years were otherwise occupied with streisand flicks and golden girls.
Oh, glorious days of days! The sun fittingly shines upon our fair city in honor of movie god and new "father" Tom Cruise, who comes to Manhattan today to promote Mission: Impossible 3. A devoted Scientologist and/or reader scored a picture of Tom on his way in to Good Morning America, which kicks off a day of gallavanting about the island, via every possible mode of transportation, for three separate screenings of his film.
Like it or not, Tom Cruise is riding his fucked-up crazy train into Manhattan next Wednesday to promote his newborn baby, Mission: Impossible 3. But because life moves at the speed of Cruise, he'll be racing between his gajillion screenings and appearances by helicopter, speedboat, Porsche, and private subway car. Promotional intensity, people: the Cruise ain't on no leisure cruise.
Collider noticed the billboard looming over the corner of Palm and Santa Monica in West Hollywood, which rather boldly touts something called "Rainbow Cruise Lines" and directs curious, prospective vacationers to check out the company's website. Gay shuffleboard enthusiasts will undoubtedly be disappointed to discover that the seafaring come-on is just a stunt advertisement for Jackass: Number Two, and that the movie's web presence is completely devoid of Johnny Knoxville and Steve-O's signature mututal cock-and-ball torture, adding to the sting of the promotional subterfuge.
• Proving that she's perhaps the most idiotic woman in the world, Denise Richards — already in the running for the crown thanks to her decision to marry Charlie Sheen — is now hooking up with Heather Locklear's ex, Richie Sambora. [Page Six]
• And speaking of Sheen, Richards thinks he might have had something to do with porn star Chloe Jones' death last year after Jones sold a story to the National Enquirer claiming Sheen paid her $15K for sex. Richards claims that Sheen doesn't deny involvement. [R&M]
• Maury Povich has been cheating on Connie Chung. If these two are in the news, then thank God the 80s are back yet again! [NYDN]
• You have to admire the insanity of queen flack Peggy Siegal, who claims that United 93 is the hottest screening in town. [Lowdown]
• Toby Maguire gets engaged to his girlfriend of the past three years, Jennifer Meyer, whose father is Universal head Ron Meyer. And that, drama students, is how you secure a career in Hollywood. [Page Six]
Perhaps the greatest chronological confluence since 4:20 p.m. on 4-20 rang the bong gong for stoners everywhere, June 6, 2006 is quickly approaching, and you know what that means. You don't? Well, what if we write it out this way: 6/6/06. Not ringing any bells? OK, then drop the 0, remove the slashes, and squint a little. That's right: 666. Number of the Beast. And, according to the LAT, a perfect marketing opportunity to unleash unfathomable evils on mankind—everything from yet another sure-to-be-terrible horror movie remake to an Ann Coulter book:
