David Edelstein, New York mag:

While browsing for the DVD of the Charles Bronson/Lee Marvin fugitive fur-trapper classic Death Hunt on Amazon.com, Austin360.com's Dave Thomas discovered a feature he hadn't noticed before*: User submitted plot keyword tags, ranging from the extremely broad (clicking "Snow" brings you to 16 pages of wintry titles, including The Empire Strikes Back and, predictably, White Christmas) to the highly specific ("Shot In The Eye" conveniently aggregates movies, such as Saving Private Ryan and The Godfather, that feature a well-placed bullet in the peeper, though a separate tag exists for "Shot In The Genitals"). The classification system is highly useful, even if it tends to tread into the realm of obsessive excess: V for Vendetta, for example, gets 103 tags, and while it's helpful to remember that Fight Club and The Seven Samurai also feature someone having their head shaved, we think we were fine without having access to a list of titles that also make prominent use of a toilet.

Continuing today's ethnic humor theme, and coming to a sharpie-defaced poster near you: Borat backlash. Because satirically clueless, inbred, rural characters are only appropriate when targeting American hillbillies.

• Just like Britney Spears told Matt Lauer she wants to start her own magazine, houseboy Kevin Federline says he'd like to start a publication that "comes out after all the tabloids." He'd call it The Real, and we're already vying associate editor position. [R&M (last item)]
• Are Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams leaving Brooklyn? Fucking Ratner, driving away all the good celebs. [Daily Telegraph]
• Kirsten Dunst manages to not get wasted at a recent Chanel function. When free clothes are on the line, the girl knows to keep her shit together. [Page Six]
• Jessica Simpson isn't helping OK! magazine's circulation: her most recent cover sold less than Vaughniston and Britney issues. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• The National Enquirer EIC David Perel thinks there's a conspiracy theory against the magazine, run by an evil multi-celeb terror cell and led by Britney Spears and Kate Hudson. [TMZ]
• Steely Dan emerges from obscurity to accuse the makers of You, Me and Dupree of stealing from their Cousin Dupree song. [Fox411]
• CBS quickly goes about the business of erasing Dan Rather from its history books. [Page Six]

Abandon your composure for a moment and allow Oliver Stone to take you to a new emotional low with the trailer for his forthcoming treat, World Trade Center. Honestly, does this film need to be so dark and depressing? Where are the 9/11 comedies? The rollicking buddy flicks? The Farrelly brothers? C'mon, Hollywood — we want to laugh!

• By pursuing a libel case agains the National Enquirer in UK courts, Britney Spears wins over the tab's claim that she and Kevin Federline are splitting. The British and Irish editions will print a rare apology, which is all fine and good — but why the hell hasn't she sued Bazaar over that frightening cover shoot? [R&M (last item)]
• Aspiring pop singer and experienced Lolita Diana Bianchi can't carry a tune. God thing she still has a future serving as some sort of twat. [Lowdown]
• Justin Timberlake tries to convince the world he's not a pussy by proclaiming that he's "done way too many drugs." [Spin]
• Film critic Joel Siegel walks out of a screening of Clerks II, deeming it smut. The scene that set him off involved a discussion of a woman performing sexual acts on a donkey, which obviously brings up a lot of painful memories for Siegel. [Page Six]
• E! censors Voice gossip Michael Musto when he appears on The Simple Life to interview Paris Hilton. The offending phrase: "Are you a fag hag?" Apparently network execs didn't want anyone to even raise the issue of Hilton's hagginess. [Page Six]
• John Cusack scores a restraining order against his stalker who, we'll have you know, does not appear to have used the Stalker Map to harm Lloyd Dobler. [Reuters]

At the end of a long essay about the value of critical judgment in an era where poorly-reviewed films can still perform well at the box office, Times critic Tony Scott offers an explanation for the persistence of those in his profession despite the daily adversity they face:

A news-light trade round-up for the holiday weekend:
· As we mentioned in this morning's B.O. report, the real superhero at the movies this weekend was Meryl Streep's Ultra-Bitchwoman, with audiences helpless to her soul-freezing inferiority-rays. [Variety]
· A boycott of Disney by theater owners in Spain has been lifted, finally allowing Spanish audiences to see Cars, and wonder for themselves exactly how automotive procreation works during the endless Owen Wilson-Bonnie Hunt flirtation scenes. [Variety]
· Roger Ebert is in stable condition after emergency, cancer-related surgery. [THR]
· CBS wins a slow Sunday with repeats of Cold Case and 60 Minutes, or as they refer to it internally, "walking dead night." [THR]

Unless you've been living under a rock (or, coincidentally, ad-blocking some of the sponsor-driven ephemera on our screen), you're aware that The Devil Wears Prada opens today. If you've been reading the Times, however, you must be FUCKING PUMPED, because really, it's all the Gray Lady can do to not put its coverage of the film on A1. The book/movie has received 16 mentions in the past 30 days, with the recent panty-bunching at a fever pitch this week: four heavily focused articles since Sunday.

If you're going to make a movie about the absurdities of the fashion world, you better get it right: Marc Jacobs, Chloe, and Marni. But Thursgay Styles reports that costume's patron saint, Patricia Fields, has totally missed the mark in dressing the characters in The Devil Wears Prada. The wardrobes featured in the film, sniff the haughty, pretty ladies who would know, are nothing like reality — Meryl Streep and Anne Hathaway are decked in layers of stuffy couture and gold metalwear, with none of the quirks that make one truly fabulous. Tens of thousands of dollars' worth of handbags are flung about, but in real life, very few ladies at 4 Times Square carry an "it" bag. The fashions in Prada, says Elle fashion news director Anne Slowey, are "a caricature." How gauche.

So did you read Maureen Dowd today? While her beloved Washington, D.C., is submerged underwater, while a study published in her newspaper yesterday revealed unprecedented and mind-boggling waste and corruption with Katrina-relief funds, while the White House is deflecting attention from its disastrous execution of the war on terror by instead rattling its sabers at her employer, and while it suddenly seems the whole Israel/Palestinian thing will finally, irrevocably spiral out of control, what does one of the country's most influential newspaper columnists write about? Duh. Whether Miranda Priestly, the fictional Anna Wintour in The Devil Wears Prada, was really too hard on her assistant. Even more surprising: Her verdict.

If you've not had it marked on your calendar, from 2 - 4 PM today, flogged and browbeaten assistants everywhere can enjoy a free cup of coffee on behalf of the marketing team behind The Devil Wears Prada. At the very least, think of it as an excuse to take an extra smoke break. According to the release, the promotion is open to anyone who works in an "office," so we take that to mean that pretty much anyone, cubicle slave or not, can grab a freebie at participating locations. Just don't tell your boss — the bitch'll probably make you grab her a cup, too.

Er, BREAKING: After 10 years of mutual love and support, Diddy and PR man Dan Klores are getting divorced. Word is that Puff left DK for another woman — Jill Fritzo at PMK. But just in case Diddy gets involved in another shooting, Klores is staying on a $1K/month retainer. Gotta keep the bases covered.

Having turned out a handsome, if not record-shattering, third chapter to Paramount's Mission: Impossible series, J.J. Abrams has now been entrusted to reinvigorate one of the studio's most enduring franchises: Star Trek. the Insider's Marc Malkin reports that for his prequel vision, Abrams wants none other than Matt Damon to step in as a youthful, pre-toupeed Captain Kirk:

• Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban finally confirm that they're getting married this weekend in Australia. Guess that means they're an item? Meanwhile, Kidman spends extra on security, lest an angry Scientologist show up at her nuptials with an E-meter. [R&M]
• Heidi Klum and Seal are pregnant with their second baby prune. [Us Weekly]
• Much like his fellow talent Paris Hilton, Kevin Federline isn't much for helping needy kids. Charity work interferes with his smoking schedule. [Lowdown]
• Classy lady Tori Spelling calls her husband's ex-wife, Mary Jo Eustace, "pathetic...bordering on lunacy." This comes from a woman who voluntarily paid for frighteningly unnatural breasts. [Page Six]
• Bruce Willis sues a paparazzo who told TMZ that he was assaulted by the actor. [TMZ]
• After seeing the previews for Miami Vice, we're confident it will quickly join Gigli and Alexander in the shit-filled canon. [Fox411]
• Madison Avenue prep Andrew Parker's mother inadvertantly pays for the production of Trust Fund Sluts. That's about all you need to know. [Page Six]

Let's take a moment to look at the fascinating crew that makes up the Big Three Times flick describers. There's Stephen Holden, who, when not busy starting beefs with Disney Channel talent, can be found working out his issues in public. There's Tony Scott, who does whatever the hell it is he does. And then, of course, there's Manohla. Ms. Dargis, brought in when Elvis Mitchell decided that spending time with Cambridge co-eds was preferable to drawing the short straw that forces you to share space in the screening room with Lou Lumenick, takes a look at new Jack Black vehicle Nacho Libre. The film, already noted elsewhere for its "implicit racism," inspires Dargis to ascend to this apogee of critical assessment:

The LAT approached Peter Billingsley—the irrepressible, Red Ryder BB Gun-coveting scamp Ralphie from A Christmas Story—to find out how he managed to bypass the dark paths trod by so many of his young actor peers, and instead carve out for himself a successful career as a movie producer. Yes, in just five easy steps, you too can circumvent an adulthood doomed to crystal meth-fueled dry cleaner hold-ups, and achieve your former child star potential:

Just days after he defended himself in a New York tabloid against a fruit-salad head wardrobe stylist, the worlds of fashion and Alec Baldwin collide yet again, with spectacular results. In a war horn-trumpeting headline that reignites their longstanding feud with the actor, today's Page Six taunts, "ALEC: TOO OLD AND TOO FAT." For what, you may ask? Playing disco-era fashion superstar Halston in a movie about his life:

Underappreciated thespian Hilary Duff has held her head high in regards to bitchy Times critic Stephen Holden, who referred to her as "talent-challenged" in a 2004 review of A Cinderella Story. After two long years of suffering, Duff is ready for her PR cagematch. She tells Elle:

In a gesture that would indicate a final and complete severing of whatever tenuous bonds with the real world he had left, hack videogame-movie director Uwe Boll has come up with a novel way to answer his many detractors. According to Ain't It Cool News, Boll is inviting his critics to apply to win the opportunity to beat the living shit out of him, footage of which will end up in Postal, his shooting-rampage movie based on (you guessed it) the videogame of the same name: