· Fuck the tsunami victims, and forget about houses sliding down hillsides, Hollywood has a bigger problem: How will the pounding rain affect the Oscar parties? [Variety]
· Everybody works during pilot season! James Van Der Beek and one of the Arquettes turn in their food stamps until at least mid-April as they sign up for sitcom pilots. [THR]
· The Shield showrunner Shawn Ryan tempts severe writers' block by inking a huge three-year overall deal with 20th Century Fox TV. Poor schmuck. He may never write again, and his army of gold robots will provide scant comfort as he kicks his laptop, screaming, "Why can't you give me more edgy cop dramas?!" [Variety]
· Failing to find a sufficiently commercial project involving the sexual molestation of former child actors and cancer patients, entertainment firm Neverland Films abandons its bad-buzz name and is reborn as Code Entertainment. Next up: Michael Jackson rechristens his home "Code Entertainment's House of Prepubescent Sodomy," forcing another naming crisis for the unlucky company. [Variety]
· U.S. Circuit Judge Harry Edwards tells off the FCC because when ordinary citizens do it, the governent cackles with delighted disregard: "Are you going to regulate washing machines next?...Ancillary [power] does not mean you get to rule the world." Awww snap! [THR]

According to Page Six, Miramax is trying to "disinvite" guests to its pre-Oscar party at the Pacific Design Center Saturday night, shifting certain previously-invited individuals to a "waiting list." We've heard that many of the tragically bumped are agents—coincidentally, we're sure!—who, luckily for the Weinsteins, always take personal slights that reduce their intake of free alcohol and opportunities to schmooze other people's clients with professionalism and grace.

On his "Producer's Blog" (yes, it's true, anyone can have a blog—and look at that adorable picture of him sitting at a laptop!) on the Oscar website, awards show puppet-master Gil Cates shrugs and asks, "What, me worry about Chris Rock spraying fine-carrying f-bombs into a billion homes?"

In the grand tradition of Hugh Grant explaining the circumstances of his infamous blowjob on i>The Tonight Show, last night Chris Rock sat down on Jay Leno's couch to explain his comment that only guys who like to give blowjobs watch the Oscars. Joked Rock,"I did not say that. I said only gay people watch the Tonys." At least he tweaked the gays one more time before he veered dangerously close to Billy Crystal territory:

This driver in Silver Lake knew that wrapping his SUV around the nearest tree would be far less painful than having to consider the horrors contained within a single frame of Son of the Mask. A billboard hasn't had this effect on motorists since Vincent Gallo invited those stuck in traffic on the Sunset Strip to ponder suicide underneath a 30-foot image of his cinematic fellatio.

Hitch screenwriter Kevin Bisch wouldn't have been satisfied churning out the next cookie-cutter, Freddie Prinze, Jr. romantic comedy vehicle. With his script, he would settle for no less than raising the level of discourse at his local Starbucks:

Since everyone's favorite starlets aren't likely to cure their career-enhancing eating disorders even for the decadent meals served during Hollywood's Biggest Night, there are bound to be scores of untouched plates at the Governor's Ball.

The LAW's Nikki Finke reports that Vanity Fair editor/Hollywood snuggle-buddy Graydon Carter is jabbing a salad fork in the back of his entertainment industry buddies on the eve of his splashy Oscar party:

Not content at having one of their own as the face of the MPAA's anti-piracy campaign, stuntmen are instigating for their own Oscar category (of course, they're way too late to get in this year):

The Crooks and Liars blog has a video clip of Matt Drudge's appearance on Hannity & Colmes last night, in which Drudge took his internet fixation on Chris Rock's comments that "only gays watch the Oscars" to the fair-and-balanced airwaves of Fox News. An excerpt is transcribed on the blog:

· The Aviator (not so fast, Martin Scorsese!) and Vera Drake take the top awards at the BAFTAs. What does this mean for The Aviator's chances at the Oscars? It's going to hurt even more when Million Dollar Baby keeps Scorsese winless. [Variety]
· No punchline necessary: Hayden Christensen signs on to star in The Decameron, opposite Mischa Barton. [THR]
· Eisner tells his shareholders that regardless of what the Weinsteins do, Miramax will remain at Disney. The Weinsteins, however, are still free to beat their employees at any new gig of their choosing. [Variety]
· "The WB's 10th-year pickup of 7th Heaven has put me into eighth heaven" says Aaron Spelling. He continues, "And I'm so happy, I've nearly forgotten that I sired the star of Mother, May I Sleep With Danger?" [THR]
· Golden Age of Antipiracy Report: Specially coded Oscar screener DVD-Rs can't be viewed in older players. The Academy will soon issue Betamax tapes and players to all members to remedy the issue. [Variety]

We're not exactly sure how this happened (every time a camera cut to Usher we reflexively flipped over to Desperate Housewives), but it seems that Jamie Foxx won nine Grammys last night. We were skeptical at first, thinking it had to be been some kind of mistake, but then we saw Foxx singing (that stupid tattoo on the back of his head gave him away) "Georgia On My Mind" with Alicia Keys. We knew Foxx did all of the singing in Ray! Leonardo DiCaprio stands no chance for Best Actor—unless he can pull off a better stunt. Keep your eyes peeled for Miramax's full-page ads in the trades promising that Leo will prove his acting chops by urinating in thirty milk bottles during the Oscars ceremony.

It's so nice to see that the Drudge Report didn't opt for a histrionic headline and instead chose to faithfully capture the tone of Oscar host Chris Rock's outrageous remarks in huge type. And an additional fist-bump to Drudge for not using the term "hip hop" to describe Rock, though we suspect he was too busy wiping the splooge off his keyboard to bother getting into the race thing.

At the New York screening of the Brian Grazer-produced Brian Grazer Presents: Inside Deep Throat, A Brian Grazer Production, Gigi Grazer (Brian's wife, stay with us) explains a surefire way to land yourself a high-powered Hollywood producer:

An eagle-eyed reader spotted one of our favorite hacktastic directors up to some suspicious activity on Sunset this morning (no, this time it's not Brett Ratner) and filed this report:

With all of the effort that the MPAA put into efforts to stop awards-season movie screeners from leaking onto the Internet (like suing pirates back into the Betamax era and issueing magical DVD players that can only play enchanted discs), you'd think that movie piracy had finally been stomped out. But we can't declare a Golden Age of Respected Copyrights just yet. Waxy.org has compiled a list of every Oscar-nominated film and the date on which intellectual-property-raping pirates leaked their booty onto the Net. Waxy claims that only five nominees escaped uploading, but reader comments in the post reduce that number to one: The Phantom of the Opera, a movie Joel Schumacher couldn't pay anyone to steal.

Watch out, Oscar viewers! According to the LAT, the Academy is loosening the bowtie by a millimeter or so and letting it all hang out to accommodate the "hip-hop loose and in-your-face" style of host Chris Rock's "hip-hop-direct brand of comedy." You want in-your-face? How about nominees receiving their awards while still in their seats? Awww snap! And how about a little of that hip-hop-direct somethin-somethin:

Boston Globe film critic Wesley Morris is generously showing off the utterly useless, infrequently amusing crap that studios send out to curry favor with the media. Pictured: The inedible ham sent out to apologize for the flaming bag of dogshit originally left on critics' doorsteps to promote Christmas with the Kranks.

Realizing that no one actually watches the Screen Actors Guild awards (it took only ten seconds of E!'s red carpet coverage to send us scrambling for a Room Raiders rerun on MTV), they've helpfully transcribed the acceptance speeches on the official awards website. Here, Jamie Foxx gets lost in the moment and does some Oscar pandering, then realizes that he might want to mention something about the statue that he was holding:

Now that Sundance is over, we're getting the impression that the Park City locals don't exactly embrace their yearly Hollywood invasion.