Even though zombified Whitney and scandal-plagued Audrina didn't have much to teach us on last night's wisdom-packed episode of The Hills, Spencer, Heidi and Lauren blew our minds with life lessons we'll carry with us forever. And despite not saying anything that even remotely resemebled wisdom, it must be said that Justin Bobby, with his new haircut, has officially reignited our Bad Boy Crush phase. Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer worked her magic to present the episode's most eye-opening moments, which we've broken down into three essential bits of knowledge:


1. How To Advance Your Career By Seducing The Boss! Without an annoying dandruff-headed fiance to keep her busy, Heidi is focused on her job as some kind of powerful publicity manager who rose through the assistant ranks by age 21 using one simple method: subtly let your male boss know you want to "get your hands in there" and "make yourself available" to them moments after uncrossing your legs.

As Variety reports today, MTV just greenlit eight episodes of a new reality show called The Search For Elle Woods, in which ten blonde hopefuls will compete to play the lead in Broadway's version of Legally Blonde. Reminiscent of NBC's You're The One That I Want, that high-kicking monstrosity in which amateur dancing, singing, crying, laughing Great White Way hopefuls danced their little hearts out for the chance to star in last year's revival of Grease, this one will thankfully rely on judges instead of America to determine the winner. But after hearing the details behind MTV's production plans, our initial sense is that the summer series will be utterly unwatchable. Three reasons why this show should not go on, after the jump:

It's time to salute David Letterman, who continues to do a great service for us, the non-Hills watcher with only a vague idea of what the hell's going on with that inexplicably popular program. Thanks to the Reality TV Catfight Reform Act of 2007, Heidi Montag was granted equal Late Show broadcast time to that of Lauren Conrad, whereupon she too was grilled by Dave on the ins and outs of their feud. Apparently, the MacGuffin propelling much of this season's warfare was a much-discussed, but yet-to-surface sex tape starring Conrad and her former lover.

The latest oppressive trends in viral marketing received a skeptical close-up this week in The Hollywood Reporter, but for sheer word-of-mouth fanboy horror, look no further than Tuesday's video chronicle of the Dark Knight "scavenger hunt"/wild geek goose chase through Hollywood. MTV sent an intern to do its dirty work, which included — we shit you not — "a FedEx from the Joker himself," counting the number of fountains in the courtyard at the Hollywood & Highland Mall, and a half-dozen more eggheaded stunts that dead ended with Warner Bros. giving the hundreds of spectators three minutes to stampede to the multiplex — just to get a three-day jump on watching a trailer.

Underneath that swarthy, dirty-haired facade that Hills heartthrob/bastard Justin Bobby exudes lies an astonishing ability to inspire the rest of the cast with his wildly profound life lessons. His highly anticipated return to the habitually bland "reality" show jump-started whatever brain cells our blonde professors possess after popping all those producer-supplied Adderalls. In one particularly Carrie Bradshaw-esque line, our antihero explains, "It's not nice when you fall away from people, but when you kind of regroup again, it's..." Sure, we don't learn what "it" is, but still. Sheer poetry. As you'll see in our clip masterfully crafted by Intrepid Defamer Videographer&trade Molly McAleer, there were lessons aplenty last night. One prime example from dearest dead-eyed Audrina? A Webster-worthy definition of the term "date like a date date." [MTV]

Those young reporters at the Cypress Bay High School newspaper who are starring on the new MTV reality show "The Paper" better straighten up and fly right before they learn some hard lessons that grizzled journalism veterans already figured out, according to Middle Tennessee State University newspaper writer and senior journalism major Andy Harper. These kids should have known that journalists are here to relay the hard news, not mess around with this reality TV thing—a genre in which "everyone loses." Indeed, they could have asked senior journalism major Andy Harper for a bit of advice before they went and let their on-camera kissing and alcohol sipping leave their "byline tattered with a mixture of mud and shame."

Note to all potential Paris Hilton BFFs: if you're planning on auditioning to become Paris' next new lapdog, don't even think about standing a chance if you're packing any junk in the trunk. Hilton recently made it clear that should a friend's rear prove aesthetically displeasing to the heiress, she will shun them from her sparkly circle. As she blabbed in a recent radio interview:

Giant-footed reptilian invader Paris Hilton is denying reports that only a few trannies auditioned be on her upcoming reality show. And, no, she's not counting little Scotty Mouthbreather. From her MySpace page (Sic, sic on all of this!): "And just to clear up any misinformation you may have heard, there are NO open calls for the show! Everyone they invite has applied thru the site and they've picked out the best contenders to interview. With so many applications to go thru they are trying their utmost best to read and contact everyone from the official casting application." [HollyScoop] Full silly blog post after the jump.

It's really a shame that the storylines we see on The Hills aren't as "real" as MTV claims they are, since the blonde cast's off-screen lives seem far more colorful than what we see on the show. This season we've trudged through (yawn) yet another ongoing catfight between Heidi and Lauren, and barely kept our eyes open while slowest speaker in the world Whitney learns how to cope with a new job. But rumors surfacing today involving real-life catfights between Lauren and roomie Audrina, plus not-so-blind items suggesting the entire cast is fed drugs by producers, make us wish this "unscripted" drama would throw out the scripts already.

The MTV Movie Awards have always managed to deliver one or half a dozen memorable moments worthy of YouTube legacy. But the host of the show has rarely been a factor in determining that year's success story, until the producers' decision to enlist Sarah Silverman last year finally lifted the program's ratings. With last year's success still fresh in their minds, MTV has announced that Mike Myers will helm the 2008 edition, signaling a definitive return to the program's roots. Sixteen years ago, the show premiered with Dennis Miller at the wheel, followed by SNL alum Eddie Murphy, Jon Lovitz, two Jimmy Fallon appearances and of course, Myers' own try in 1997. But recently MTV has rolled their dice with more commercially appealing faces like Lindsay Lohan and Jessica Alba. We took a look back at the show's hosting history to figure out if the show's host, like love, has anything to do with it.

MTV, having covered every other aspect of the high school experience including the marching band, has finally made a reality series about a high school newspaper [NYO]. That hotbed of intrigue and sexual tension! As once-professional journalists as well as high school graduates, we have some bad news: the high school paper is simply not that exciting. Neither is the grown-up paper, for that matter. Newspapers are a prime example of things that produce a somewhat glamorous final product, but whose inner workings are drearily workmanlike. It's like visiting the Nike factory and being disappointed that it's populated by silent, sweating Vietnamese peasants, rather than by Lebron James. MTV's trailer for "The Paper" features kissing teens, violent arguments, pool parties, and a battle for editorship of the Cypress Bay High School student paper that "could change their lives(!)." Asdfjklasdfjkl. Sorry kids, nobody has time to read your resume anways! After the jump, the full trailer. The over-under on the number of these students who actually go into journalism: one. Probably the young Laurel Touby doppelganger

Last night's double dose of The Hills was so jam-packed with Words of Wisdom that Intrepid Defamer Videographer Molly McAleer feels, like, one thousand percent smarter after putting this piece together. And you'll feel similarly after watching, we promise. From Friendship 101 to deep discussions on ancient British proverbs ("It's just water under the bridge. Wait, is 'water under the bridge' an expression, right?"), Lauren, Heidi, Whitney and Methanie Pratt were dishing out more stellar advice than Dr. Phil. And, as usual, one of our favorite gems came from nudie photo scandal subject Audrina, who pretty much summed up everything we're going to learn from our blonde life professors this season: "That's weird how the world works." So. True. [MTV]

If you have "responsibilities" and "a life," you may not know that Paris Hilton is searching for a best friend on her new MTV reality show. So how does one get in on that sweet action and earn the right to hang with Hilton (for as long as the cameras are rolling)? MTV suggests you start by heading over to http://parisbff.com and creating a profile. Then, if you get enough votes, you could be picked for the show. You'll be in good company because two of the most celebrated members of Howard Stern's Wack Pack have already done so.

Brian Graden is a very powerful gay, 15th on Out magazine's newest power list, top executive at gay network Logo and president of entertainment at MTV's various music channels. But, being a successful entertainment executive, Graden is careful to nurture and protect his inner 14-year-old, so when Out asked him for a tale of "something gay that you do in your daily life," he was totally ready:

Another day, another reality show featuring D-list celebs premieres on basic cable. And last week was no exception, as MTV's Rock the Cradle made a strong showing right out of the gate. That's the program where children of washed-up musicians try to prove that they have as much talent as their parents. Unfortunately, the acorn falls pretty fucking far from the tree. As evidence, may we present Olivia Newton John's daughter, Chloe Lattanzi.

Chloe Lattanzi, Olivia Newton John's 22-year-old daughter, came on MTV's Rock the Cradle last night to murder INXS's "Never Tear Us Apart." But what the hell did the young lady do to her face? It's eerily as plasticized as her mother's, who is beaming plasticly in the audience. [DailyMotion]

It's hard to pinpoint the exact moment at which The Real World lost its cultural relevance, but if you were to press us for an answer, we'd have to say it was when the greedy producers at MTV killed their golden goose by launching Real World: Philadelphia less than six weeks after the finale of Real World: San Diego aired. In retrospect, the grand successes of the last truly great RW season were a unfortunate harbinger of things to come for the series as a whole; while the arrests of Brad and Robin made for undeniably great television, it also established a dangerous precedent for the series by making the act of running afoul of the law something for future housemates to aspire to. But we digress — we could talk about this for hours, but we won't. Our point was mainly to say that we haven't watched the Real World in years, and while The Reunion Special / Roast that aired last night had its moments, there was a moment that occured just minutes into the show that, for us, symbolized the de-evolution of the series from a (dare we say) noble social experiment into something that more closely resembles a frat party for community college dropouts.

The Times ran a long story on the front page of its Business section yesterday about Gary Milby, an "oil man" who has swindled investors out of millions of dollars. What has he done with his ill-gotten gains? Bought lots of shit for his spoiled teenage daughter, apparently. Her name is Ariel, and both she and dad were featured on an episode of MTV's apocalyptic teenage hatefest "My Super Sweet 16." And the show was so over-the-top that it caught the attention of the feds, speeding up the investigation of Milby's wrongdoing [NYT]. First time ever "My Super Sweet 16" has displayed redeeming social value! Below, a clip from the show, leading up to Ariel's "Fairytale" party. Here's a fairy tale, mean girl: your wealth. Ha ha.

Today marks the first edition of "The Hills: Words Of Wisdom," a new weekly feature in which the bleached blonde cast of "real people" indulges us with life lessons worth learning. On last night's Season Four premiere, the one-hour chickfest was jam-packed with girly fever, tears, ruined dresses, dates with French rockers, and Spencer's Lucy Ball 'do. But the most important thing to take away from all that femitude is the wise words of heroines Lauren Conrad, Whitney Port and former meth addict Stephanie Pratt. This show is more than just quick flashes of fancy parties and shoes, combined with solemn pouts over which guy to tease; The Hills is the modern day version of Emily Post's guide to good etiquette. Thanks to the keen skills of Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer, now you can learn just what to do when you feel nauseous over the loss of designer shoes ("breathe"), whether or not boys are hotter in LA or Paris ("way hotter in Paris"), and most importantly, how to successfully mount a motorcycle while wearing a dress worth more than your house. [MTV]

Remember that whole "Campaign For Real Beauty" by Dove that was all about showing that real, non-model women can be pretty too? Well, they're moving on from all that. They have a new, more fitting face now: beautiful, famous, shapely singer Alicia Keys. Screw you, real women! Dove is sponsoring a new "micro-series" called "Fresh Takes" starring Keys. It will air, appropriately, during The Hills on MTV. They've also used research to uncover this critical fact: "96 percent of women in their twenties say their inner voice speaks to them on a typical day." Psychosis? From the looks of the preview, this show will be stilted and terrible; the trailer, after the jump.