This just in: Network executives are impatient, either cancelling or giving full-season orders to shows based only on a couple of weeks of ratings data. [Variety]
It's nice to see Mira Sorvino breaking out of TV movie jail and getting a part in an Actual Feature Film, joining Mark Ruffalo, Joaquin Phoenix, and Jennifer Connelly in Reservation Road. (And we're so proud of ourselves for not ruining the moment by perving on Connelly, which would be completely inappropriate on Sorvino's big day.) [THR]
New MTV FIlms/Nickelodeon Movies president Scott Aversano's bloody housecleaning claims 16, with "several" others getting reshuffled elsewhere within the MTV family. [Variety]
ABC signs Bonnie Somerville to a talent-holding deal. Yeah, we had no idea who she was until we ran her through IMDb either, but we're sure it's money well spent. [THR]
Warner Bros. TV's "low-cost" Horizon Television unit signs American Idol judge Randy Jackson's production company to a multiyear deal, hoping that Jackson's ability to discern amateur singing performance that he's "totally feeling, bro," from ones he's "not feeling, dawg" translates into a knack for developing TV shows. [Variety]

It wasn't that long ago that Paramount announced that it was "restructuring" and "upgrading" its MTV Films and Nickelodeon Movies production companies inside The Happiest Studio on Earth and handing them over to producer Scott Aversano. This morning, though, we're hearing that new president Aversano's "upgrade" involved the shitcanning of everyone in those two divisions who was hired before he took over (except MTV's director of development). In the interest of making this latest ritualistic sacrifice on the Melrose lot sound a little less gruesome, we're told that most people knew it was coming (really, who doesn't see the bloody writing on the wall after "restructuring" news) and that many have been reassimilated into the corporate Borg. More information/press releases/official updates as they become available, but in the meantime, Happy Paramount Layoff Friday!

• Felix Dennis will never see a broad as costly as a tree. Also, it takes a lot of dosh to get people drunk enough to listen to your doggerel. [Radar]
• On the other hand, anyone who calls Greg Gutfeld "Darth Vader," must have his finger on some kind of pulse. And, look forward to The Week on the web. [Independent UK]
• Judy McGrath is going to be just fine, thank you very much. Buying MySpace is not the be all and end all of running a media empire. Unless, uh, you're Tom Freston. [NYT]
• ABC News reports news that ABC Newsman considers Matt Drudge the Walter Cronkite of our era, excepting for that fact that Walter Cronkite never falsely accused a presidential aide of wife-beating. [ABC News]
• Bob Woodward saves the good stuff for himself and other newspapers who are willing to buy his book in advance of their sell-dates. [NYT]
• Yahoo! not sexy enough for investors, apparently. [NYP]
• Something is happening to press freedom in Canada. We'd be all up in arms if it weren't, you know, Canada. [NYT]

• Screech — er, Dustin Diamond — has a sex tape on the loose, which depicts some sort of three-way and, allegedly, some Dirty Sanchez action. Which is just about the most disgusting thing we can imagine right now. Mark Paul Gosselaar, by all means, not this. [R&M]
• Winona Ryder wanders in through the back door of Soho boutique Lounge, does a lap around the store, and then screams, "Where am I?!" She then ran back to Bleecker Street and spent the rest of the day sobbing into her Marc Jacobs safety blanket. [Page Six]
• Paris Hilton destroyed former Backstreet Boy Nick Carter. Not that that's so hard to do. [Us Weekly]
• Jude Law finds Harvey Weinstein "tough, but tender." Exactly what he wants in a lover. [Lowdown]
• After much hype on their MTV reality show, Rev. Run's wife gives birth to a stillborn. Even Judy McGrath is a little sad. [TMZ]
• Renee Zellweger and George Clooney? Is someone too busy pushing for Darfur to notice how much he's dating down? [Page Six]

After that, she went over to VH1's Best Week Ever, where she used her comic stylings to address the rumors that Nicole Richie's waistline has actually increased since September 11, 2001.

This week MTV launches Virtual Laguna Beach, its online community that will allow fans of the wildly popular "reality" series to meet up in an online paradise based on the confusingly semi-scripted world featured on the show. In a demonstration of what will surely become the site's most popular feature, MTV senior VP Matt Bostwick proudly showed the NY Times how easy it is for a middle-aged man to trade in his insufficiently alluring physical form for one more likely to attract the attention of bored, horny teenage boys:

• MTV, in an effort to prove that the level of discourse in a virtual world can indeed get stupider than World of Warcrafters asking "how i mine for fish," will launch "Virtual Laguna Beach" for boob-tubers who can't be sexy and carefree beach-goers in the real world. [NY Times]

One of these men just found out he's dead, and it's not the one you'd think from the photo. Tom Freston (left), the former president and CEO of Viacom — and one of the founding forces of MTV and all its associated cash cows — got his walking papers this weekend from principle shareholding nosferatu Sumner Redstone (right). Sure, the official line from Viacom has Freston resigning rather than getting ankled, though they don't even bother with the politely thin pretense of "to pursue other opportunities." After Redstone split Viacom and its host of entertainment subsidiaries (MTV, Paramount, etc.) away from CBS, Freston was put in charge of Viacom, with mogul Les Moonves heading up CBS. This precipitated a bizarrely sourceless, ongoing spat between Moonves and Freston, seeming to originate purely in Moonves's egomania and rumored lust for Paramount. Was it this rivalry that led to Freston's defenestration, or something else? Something ... stupider?

• VMA-holes: Your Gold Teeth II [Gawker]

We conclude our coverage of the VMAs with a look at the coifs and tonsures that make us realize this is truly the best of all possible worlds. Warning: Do not look directly at images.

r u hving fun? me nthr

We don't want to oversell it, but this may very well be the single greatest video ever posted here to Gawker. Turn your audio up to ten, please.

We're gonna go ahead and say that this doesn't require a whole lot of explanation. Except for that whole WTF? thing.

We were at the gym kind of late last night, running on the elliptical trainer and watching MTV on the personal TV, because THAT IS HOW WE ROLL. We were just in time to catch Beyonce's performance at the VMAs. Did you catch it? We will describe it for you: all these sirens go off because it is an emergency, a DANCE EMERGENCY, and then Beyonce is lowered to the stage? On a rope? With the most serious look on her face? But like, sexy-serious? Wearing a giant tan trench-coat? We actually laughed out loud and said "This is the most retarded thing we have ever seen" to no one in particular. It's shit like that that makes us stay away from shit like that, which is why we sent Gawker Correspondent Neel Shah to the actual proceedings, because THAT IS ALSO HOW WE ROLL.

The Smoking Gun has obtained the mugshot of corpulent-uncle-to- the-Jackass-stars Vincent "Don Vito" Margera, which we've reproduced here for your nightmare-eliciting convenience. While sitting for his booking photograph, Don Vito keeps one eye firmly trained on the door at all times, steadfastly maintaining complete innocence of having fondled two teenage girls at a Colorado autograph signing. His famous nephew, Bam Margera, stands by him—eventually—saying in a recent interview with Skateboarding.com that it was a "bad move" on his uncle's part, having merely "tapped a boob during a photo," but then quickly downgrading it to "no tappage happening" after an unidentified male voice's off-camera protests managed to convince the moron nephew that he wasn't doing his uncle any favors with his potentially incriminating version of events.

UPDATE: Thanks to commentator kid icarus for pointing out that this clip is actually from Diddy's daily video blog on his Bad Boy Records page on YouTube.

Vincent "Don Vito" Margera, frequent victim of nephew Bam Margera's merciless pranksterism and an ideal candidate to be stuffed-canneloni'd to death by a Se7en-inspired serial killer, was formally charged today with "two felony counts of sexual assault on a child," after a boozy appearance Friday at an autograph signing event in Colorado resulted in allegations that he groped two underage fans:

• Time needs Newsweek like Slate needs Salon: as a measuring stick for comparative suckitude. [Slate]
• MTV needs videos like Time needs Newsweek: as a differentiator for younger, hungrier competitors. [BW]
• BusinessWeek needs Brandchannel the way MTV needs videos: to run the same thing you saw last week into the ground. [BW]
• Tony Kornheiser needs to be put down. Seriously. This is not a joke. Nice job, though, Weingarten. [WP]

And so, after a summer filled with many a memory and valuable life lessons, the filming of the MTV/Rolling Stone reality show has officially ended. Thanks to the nasty release form that all Wenner Media employees had to sign, gossip coming out of the office has been frighteningly sparse. What we've heard: the intern/contestants aren't particularly talented, but there is a hot blonde chick — you know, MTV's usual "excuse" for programming.

Exclusive: Jay-Z at the United Nations [We Don't Smell]