News of Kate Winslet's butt, and of Heidi and Spencer's wedding. Which are sort of the same thing. Madonna welcomes Jesus into her heart, while Jamie Lynn Spears' boyfriend almost made it.
• Is Lindsay Lohan heading back to rehab? That's what her mother, relatives, and friends are supposedly encouraging her to do, since she's been on a "self-destructive binge of partying, tears and breakdowns" ever since Sam Ronson broke up with her. To make matters worse, she keeps bumping into Sam everywhere she goes. Clearly, the girls need to decide once and for all which one's getting Chateau Marmont so this sort of thing stops happening. [OK!, L&S, P6]
• The Sun reports Madonna and Jesus Luz have reunited. As the story goes, Jesus came back to NYC to "perk up" Madge after all that trouble in Malawi and now they're like, going to Kabbalah classes and, like, eating dinner together and stuff. [Sun]
• Drew Barrymore and Justin Long are supposedly dating again, even though they claim they're "just friends" in public. [NYDN, P6]
• "Real Housewife" Jill Zarin recently underwent breast reduction surgery. If you're lucky, you'll see the whole procedure go down on a future episode. [P6]
There there, celebrity magazine editors: While Lindsay Lohan's rehab would slow the flow of gossip considerable, you could recoup your losses several times over with a Jennifer Aniston-David Schwimmer baby cover.
Mickey Rourke dates strange ladies, Frankie Delgado is a jerk, and so much celebrity-baby news that you might just never want to have a baby yourself, thus ending the human race. And on a Monday!
People are planning for Liz Taylor's death, if only because of they were caught so thoroughly unawares by Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson's reported marriage problems and Nadya Suleman being called a horrid mom.
• The Jeremy Piven sushi drama just won't quit. Piven's dispute with producers over his decision to leave the cast of Speed-the-Plow will now be heard by an arbitrator in June. But Piven doesn't seem too worried: He says he's "looking forward to testifying," since President Obama recently described mercury poisoning as "the world's gravest chemical problem." [Reuters, Us, TMZ]
• Sean Penn and Natalie Portman were supposedly spotted "making out" at the Sunset Tower Hotel earlier this month. At least that's what the Star says. [Star]
• Are David Duchovny and Tea Leoni getting back together? They were spotted "canoodling" on the beach in Mustique. [NYDN]
• Scarlett Johansson is on a "rigid diet" at the moment. She's also the "new muse" of Moet & Chandon, just so you know. [P6, WWD]
Mid-week, everyone needs to freshen up. Barbara Walters craves a clean break from ABC, reportedly; Robert Pattinson needs a shower and Bruce Willis might never be able to wash off the slime.
Proof that Tory Burch's eponymous clothing line has made its decent from Upper East Side chic to middle America bargain bin: It seems she's the designer of choice to Nadya "OctoMom" Suleman, who showed up to a taping of Dr. Phil recently dressed in a $228 TB top and a pair of $195 TB flats. Of course Burch did tell a reporter recently that she wanted to be a "go-to brand for affordable luxury" and a staple of "hugely successful" working moms everywhere. Looks like the mission is well on its way to being accomplished! [TMZ]
Making the best of it: LeAnn Rimes' husband wasn't there to get her through cold Orange County nights, so she strayed; Nadya Suleman had to settle for just two of her eight babies.
Today is: Gay Utah finds a new prom queen, Non-Gay Utah hates freedom, Sahara continues to hemorrhage money, Twilight newz!!, and frigging Octomom.
Nadya Suleman might consider her decision to have octuplets "irrational," but she's still totally going to sell the birth video. Maybe Ashley Dupre can teach her how to meditate amid 14 screaming kids.
Well, things sure came together for Nadya Suleman today: Octo-Mom suddenly has a big house for her 14 kids, around-the-clock child care valued at $135,000-per-month and she gets to keep her reality show.
Britney Spears acted out her traumatic past for her concert audiences/group therapy buddies while the Speaker of the House prepared to soak in Brad Pitt's public policy wisdom.
