• After hearing that her younger sister Jamie Lynn was having a 13-year-old appropriate tiff with a co-star on the set of Nickelodeon's Zoey 101, Britney Spears stormed the set to defend her sibling and kick some preteen ass. Hell hath no fury like pregnant trailer trash. [Page Six]
• Hurricane Katrina sours VMA festivities, delays Lindsay Lohan's pre-show scene arrival, and forces Mariah Carey to drink until 3 AM. [Gatecrasher]
• Or perhaps it was Eddie Murphy forcing Mariah Carey to stay out so late. [R&M]
• The boring socialites behind Washington Life magazine are none too happy about Gotham mag publisher Jason Binn's efforts to launch his glossy Capitol File. [Lowdown]
• Naomi Campbell leaves no continent untouched by her scorn, now taking her rage to Brazil. [Scoop]
• OK! magazine kinda sucks. But you knew that, just like you knew that baby puppies are cute but a fucking mess. [Page Six]

• Vicious supermodel Naomi Campbell hooks up with hyper-rich financier Teddy Forstmann, which should last about as long as it takes for her to beat the shit out of him with his own gold bricks. [Page Six]
• To the lady who pelted poptard Aaron Carter with a used tampon: You rock. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• According to WWD, American Apparel founder Dov Charney is being sued for sexual harassment by three former employees. Apparently, they don't like to fuck the photographer, putting them in direct conflict with company procedures. [Page Six]
• At this point, we're slightly disappointed that Michael Jackson has taken his post-trial retreat somewhere as normal as Bahrain. [R&M]

· Naomi Campbell lands a sweet deal with E! television for her own reality show — too bad Benny Medina, who scored the contract, isn't her manager and secured himself 25% of her earnings. Someone's gonna get beat, we can feel it in the air. [Gatecrasher]
· Candace Bushnell asserts that she has no concerns for her future by mocking Condé Nast king Si Newhouse in her latest novel. [Lowdown]
· Reality show pony Brittny Gastineau continues her downward spiral by reportedly engaging in some heavy petting with Paris Hilton's former thug, Backstreet Boy Nick Carter. [Page Six]
· Heidi Fleiss eyes starting a sex resort near Las Vegas. It will, of course, be an upscale operation — the low-end hookers are still in Atlantic City. [R&M]

· Naomi Campbell allegedly continues her assistant-abusing rampage in Rio, this time slapping a young servant while simultaneously using her Blackberry to beat the girl. Can't fault the woman for multitasking. [Page Six]
· The Olsens are selling off their West Village penthouse for $11 million — quite a high price, considering the two never even moved in. [R&M (2nd item)]
· Is there trouble in Britney Spears and Kevin Federline's Red Bull-drenched paradise? Federline reportedly spent the weekend in the company of a Vegas "escort," who may or may not be carrying his baby. It seems that everyone is these days, so it's a fair guess. [Page Six]
· Rapper ODB may be gone, but his mother will sue on. Her target is AGU Entertainment, who is allegedly using the deceased's name to promote a Jackass-style video. [Lowdown]

· Everyone, pay attention: socialite Charlotte Freund is our next patron saint "It-ish" girl. While in Miami, the former flame of Nicky Hilton's cast-off hubby, Todd Meister, ditched her serious boyfriend (who happens to be a baron of something) for actor John Stamos. We love and respect her blatant disregard for sanity and thus accept her with open arms. [ELK]
· Usher is dangerously close to getting his ass kicked by Naomi Campbell. While the supermodel thinks she and the R&B star are still an item, Usher is behaving like a single man. [Gatecrasher]
· Actress Nicole Kidman complains about studios not letting her go skydiving or whatnot, but she's not letting them hold her down. You guessed it: Kidman is heading to Indonesia for some tsunami relief. [R&M (2nd item)]
· Restaurateur Keith McNally goes apeshit on his former chef de cuisine at Pastis, Sascha Lyon, who was spotted eating and talking to former coworkers at McNally's Balthazar post. Rampant unprofessionalism ensues. [Page Six]
· Sarah Jessica Parker will be skipping the Golden Globes, so some Desperate Housewives star can inevitably win in peace. [Lowdown (2nd item)]

Fashion blogger SALTY visits New York and chronicles things he finds surprising: "...Naomi Campbell walking on Madison Avenue in an awful red jogging suit ... Teen girls with really old men at the Serena Bar... Tons of celebrities walking in the streets of Soho... Smokers standing outside buildings freezing instead of simply smoking in their offices... Tons of French restaurants with astonishing menu prices... Natalia Vodianova walking unrecognised on Fifth Avenue..."
Things that surprised me in New York [SALTYT]

· Michael Moore horrifies Londoners by saying that people on the hijacked September 11th planes were "scaredy cats because they were mostly white." [Page Six]
· Viacom honchos Sumner Redstone and Mel Karmazin are trying to collect $200 million from insurance companies for ad revenue forfeited during 9/11 coverage. [Page Six]
· Jamie Lynn Sigler, a.k.a., Meadow Soprano, gets engaged to her manager [Page Six]
· The National Post's Larry Krotz says Graydon Carter was acting like the editor of a big glossy even at 25. [Page Six]
· Blind item: 60-something year-old CEO of NYSE-listed company throws holiday party at the Helmsley Carlton complete with Christmas coke'n'whores. [Page Six]
· Corcoran exec Wendy Sarasohn started a petition to get soap opera actress Robin Strasser back on "One Life to Live." [Cindy Adams]
· Fur is back. Nicole Miller spotted at a movie premier in full-length rabbit. [Cindy Adams]
· Paul Alexander and Angelica Torn are developing a play based on the life of Sylvia Plath. [Liz Smith]
· David Bouley is selling the Mohawk Electric Building at Hudson and Duane to architect Joseph Pell Lombardi; and DeNiro and Naomi Campbell rumored to have a rendezvous for old time's sake. [NY Daily News]

· Liza downs three glasses of scotch, bursts into tears, at an Upper East Side restaurant. [Page Six] ¹
· Graydon's publicist swears he'd never use the word "cock." [Page Six]
· NY Sun crime reporter (ironically) charged with arson. [Page Six]
· Ms.-hell-on-wheels, Lizzie Grubman, and anger management vet, Naomi Campbell, join forces. [Page Six]
· Groton school headmaster replaced after failure to deal with sex scandal. [Page Six]
· Justin Timberlake seen sharing a joint at Lotus with his mother [Page Six] ²
· Weinstein pal Liz Smith, not surprisingly, refers to Miramax production, Chicago, as "sensational." [Page Six] ³
· Liz says Chicago will go down as "one of filmdom's great musicals." [Page Six] ⁴
· Liz says she "can't imagine Chicago won't be a smash and bring in Oscar nods for Best Picture, Director, Actor, Actress...and Supporting Actress..." [Page Six] ⁵
· Brad Pitt considered "an insult to Asians" and Buckingham palace notes that Prince Harry looks more like the proverbial milkman than Prince Charles. [NY Daily News]

Naomi Campbell says she's clean after a seven year narcotics binge and blames her infamous temper tantrums on her drug problems. (We'd like to suggest that Naomi do her friends and colleagues a favor and take more drugs rather than less. Prozac, Ritalin, and elephant tranquilizers, in that order.) Campbell also says that she's "allergic to all substances." And by "allergic to all substances" she clearly means "is only capable of inhaling very small boatloads of Columbian blow," and "absolutely cannot tolerate that second-rate Venezuelan shit."
Seven Year Bitch [Chic Happens]