• Ohmahgah, the NEW APPLE STORE WILL OPEN TOMORROW THANK YOU LORD STEVE! Curbed has a sneak peek inside the new 5th Avenue cube, and reportedly the cult leader himself will be present when the store opens. Now wipe that drool off your face and work on losing your virginity. [Apple Insider]
• The Daily Mirror reports that Brangelina have already cut a deal for their forthcoming baby, reportedly to the tune of $4.9 million, all to go to UNICEF. Assuming, for once, that the UK press isn't on crack, we're thinking People won this one. [LSE]
• Lindsay is Biggie, Paris is Tupac, Nicole is Diddy, Mary-Kate is Snoop Dogg...this could go on forever. [BWE]
• State Senator Ada Smith pretends she's Tony Soprano. [The Daily Politics]
• Off the blow (we think), Jay McInerney now has his appetite back. Watch him blog about it, then recoil in horror at his use of "Babbolicious." [H&G]
• ThursGay Styles does it again. [NYT]
• Yesterday we'd thought about making a Heather Mills/missing limb joke, but bit our tongues. It's reassuring to see that the Post, on the other hand, did not. [NYP]
• 10 Things I Hate About Commandments. [You Tube]
• Naomi Campbell takes her abusive parade to Dubai (hey, Vanity Fair said it was hot) for her birthday. She's supposedly rented 18 floors of the Burj al Arab hotel, and she'll be throwing shit on every single one of them. [Made in Brazil]

• Before she suffered abuse at the hands of Star Jones, Meredith Vieira had an abusive boyfriend to deal with. As she heads to the Today show, these serious revelations unfortunately do not help us forget that she hosts Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. [R&M]
• Meanwhile, would Soledad O'Brien be crazy enough to leave CNN to replace Vieira on The View? [Gatecrasher]
• More penny-pinching around AMI? After Celebrity Living crumbled last week, rumors swirl that Star and National Enquirer may be up for sale, and editorial director Bonnie Fuller's contract may not be renewed. If so, pity: We doubt her book sales will support Fuller's leather-clad lifestyle. [Page Six]
• Finally, a role up to par with Jessica Simpson's intellectual capabilities: she'll play CJ Parker — the character originally played by Pamela Anderson — in the Baywatch movie. [IMDb]
• If there's anything we don't want to imagine, it's Macauley Culkin musing on the literary life. [Lowdown]
• Naomi Campbell drops out of Diddy's "Celebrity Cooking Showdown" after being told she wouldn't be able to beat opponents with frying pans. [Page Six]

You've just been arrested for allegedly beating the crap out of your housekeeper — your fifth such incident since 1998 — and your Swarovski crystal-encrusted BlackBerry is stained with blood. What's a girl to do? If you're Naomi Campbell, you head down to South Africa to visit Nelson Mandela and talk about UNICEF, of course. While Mandela once considered Campbell his "honorary granddaugher," we're guessning he's now far too scared of the supermodel warlord to cancel their meeting. Campbell, to her credit, knows that Mandela's place is a safe haven for all sorts of troubled models (Kate Moss allegedly blew some rails in his bathroom back in 1998).

• Because God is inexplicably protecting Maer Roshan, Radar still looms over us. Well, kind of. Maybe not. Maybe so, with Jesse Jackson's son in the mix. And whether or not the mag that Maer built comes alive, it sure is fun to speculate and send Roshan into a secretive frenzy.
• Our sick and psychotic Gawker Stalker Maps continue to destroy the world, prompting George Clooneyto don his Batman suit and unite his flacky friends against our satanic practices. The New York Press agrees that we're bad people and, moreover, just snarkity snark snark snarky.
• Naomi Campbell assaults her staff again — and this time, it's over a pair of jeans.
• Hell of a week for masthead changes: Wall Street Journal's Weekend Journal editor Amy Stevens saunters over to Conde; the Observer's Ben Smith relocates to the Daily News; more changes at Spin; and Newsweek executive editor Dorothy Kalins suspiciously heads upstairs.
• Breaking: Just like any student at any college, NYU kids like to party.
• Circulation desperation sets in, and free papers are everyfuckingwhere. And if they're free papers from the Post, you'll find them at the dump. Or China.
• It took way too long, but the Village Voice's doe-eyed young fabulist Nick Sylvester finally gets fired.

Today's papers have clarified just what, exactly, happened yesterday morning at belligerent supermodel Naomi Campbell's Park Avenue duplex, which sent a woman to the hospital and Campbell to Midtown North Precinct. Thank God, because we've been up all night, hands-a-wringing, wondering how something so incomprehensibly tragic could ever happen.

• We're honored to be included in this year's Most Loathsome list from the New York Press — it's like being told by a tranny hooker that you wear too much makeup. One point of contention, though: we are not more loathsome than Andrea Peyser. That's just crazy talk. [NYPress]
• After being arrested this morning for assaulting her assistant/maid/slave, Naomi Campbell emerges from the Midtown North Precinct wearing a poncho — hey, it worked for Martha! [TMZ]
• For their "Green Issue," Vanity Fair planned on using recycled paper — but it's just too hard, caring about the environment and shit. [Muckracked]
• Tim Zagat has no idea his little survey books are irrelevant. [NY Sun]
• Grups — New York magazine's new term for the dude in the Sleater-Kinney t-shirt pushing a stroller through DUMBO — are advertising demographic gold. Duh. That article was sponsored by Rogan. [AdFreak]

This very seriously just in: Supermodel and anger-management poster child Naomi Campbell was just arrested for assault. As we understand it, Campbell beat the crap out of a woman (we think her maid, which sounds about right), who is now at Lenox Hill Hospital. Campbell, meanwhile, is chilling at the 33rd precinct.

• Jessica Simpson's flack Rob Shuter denies that Simpson and Maroon 5 singer Adam Levine are a couple, and he will continue to make such denials until Simpson hooks a sweet deal to confess her sins to Diane Sawyer. [Lowdown]
• Naomi Campbell destroys another assistant after the two have a screaming match on a British Airways flight. Thankfully, the falling-out was nonviolent and no phones were harmed in the incident. [Page Six]
• Desperate to secure his lock for Best Actor, Phillip Seymour Hoffman reveals his past drug and alcohol problems. Unfortunately, by talking about how he's now clean and sober, he just alienated at least 2/3 of the Academy. [IMDb]
• The Kid Rock sex tape is apparently from six years ago, which would explain why any stripper would deign to touch co-star Scott Stapp. [R&M]
• The Gay Mafia shares dining space with Mike Ovitz at Blue Hill; alas, the former agent didn't end up in any cement blocks. [Page Six]

• Good times at the Grammys: Sly Stone pukes backstage, Mariah Carey pouts, and Brett Ratner has a panic attack after fighting with his date. Serena Williams never would've pushed him so far. [Page Six]
• So far, the only thing we find interesting about the wiretapping case surrounding private investigator Anthony Pellicano is a recording in which Naomi Campbell is heard begging Sylvester Stallone's security guards to have the actor call her. My, how the tables have turned. [Lowdown]
• Courtney Love is seen at Amanda Demme's boozehole Teddy's at 1 AM. She wasn't seen drinking, however — she was just there for the dyking. [Page Six]
• Mario Batali's Del Posto faces closure if the ClogMonster doesn't fix lease violations. [Lowdown (2nd to last)]
• Would Pink be a better mother than Britney? Do we care? We're more concerned with the existence of a higher power — and, if there is one, why these people are allowed to procreate. [Scoop]

• Kate Moss continues her reign of post-rehab high-fashion supremacy by snagging the cover of British Vogue's March issue. She'll pose in a "delicate" white dress against a pink background, because she's innocent like snowdrifts and flushed cheeks. [TMZ]
• Did Sienna Miller bang Jude Law just to further her own career? Considering we'd never heard of her before she starting dating the ballerina man, we'd say so. [Page Six]
• Naomi Campbell will play Satan in an upcoming film. How's that for typecasting? [Contact Music]
• We think Sharon Stone is getting a little old for the orgy scenes. Your dad, however, disagrees. [R&M]
• We also think Patrick Stewart is getting way too old for the action scenes. Your grandmother, however, disagrees. [Lowdown]

• Wow, Angelina Jolie is getting really fat. [Gossip or Truth]
• In retaliation, Jennifer Aniston moves in with Vince Vaughn — because co-habitating with a bloated alchy is the best revenge. [MSN]
• Naughty PoweR girl Lizzie Grubman gets engaged to Chris Stern; if they're truly in love, that makes the fact that she "stole" him from a former employee totally jusitifed. [NYP]
• If West Wing creator Aaron Sorkin weren't so damn rich, we'd feel badly about his show getting cancelled and his hooker habit. [R&M]
• Supermodel Naomi Campbell is approximately two weeks away from beating the Prince of Dubai with a phone. [Page Six]
• Pity the fool who dares to criticize Howard Stern, lest said fool is comfortable with death threats from Beetlejuice. [Lowdown]
• Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillipe show no love for the paparazzi, which practically guarantees that some photog will soon run over one of their children. [OAN]

• Colin Farrell and Playmate Nicole Narain have successfully shut down dirtycolin.com, the site that was offering the duo's sex tape for $14.95. Obviously, if Narain is to get her well-deserved cut of the profits, we should be paying no less than $24.99 for a look. [R&M]
• We're not upset that Vanity Fair editor Graydon Carter has an SUV. We are, however, positively dismayed to learn that it bears a bumper sticker. What is this, fucking Great Neck? [Page Six]
• Howard Stern's offspring, Emily, is now suing the Jewish Theater of New York regarding their use of her photos to promote Kabbalah — the play which she dropped out of after her father expressed concerns about her appearing naked. Really, her hissy fit is the best promotion any theater could by. [Lowdown]
• At the funeral for her adopted mother, Naomi Campbell was so dismayed by the mortician's makeup job that she wiped it all off and redid the woman's makeup herself. Interesting way to show your softer side. [Page Six]
• Magalogue Shop Etc. brings REAL LIVE BOOBIES to the Today show. [MSNBC]

• Jessica Simpson's assistant CaCee may have been pushing rumors about Simpson cheating on husband Nick Lachey, and now Nicole Kidman's sister Antonia may have slipped to the press about Kidman's rumored engagement to singer Keith Urban. You just can't trust a bitch these days. [Scoop (2nd item)]
• Why we're glad we don't work at Page Six: Paris Hilton personally calls the column to clarify that her ex-fiancé Paris Latsis merely enjoyed a single tequila shot with the heiress and her current beau, Stavros Niarchos. The thought of hearing that abnormally deep voice on the phone gives us chills. [Page Six]
• Gotham magazine cover girl Natasha Richardson hates publisher Jason Binn's penchant for forced photo-ops at his parties. You and the rest of the world, darling. [Lowdown]
• The strap on model Naomi Campbell's dress breaks but is quickly repaired, much to the disappointment of those hoping for a nip slip — including Andre Leon Talley, according to Rush & Molloy. Somehow, we don't think the Vogue queen was too interested. [R&M (3rd item)]
• To clarify rumors from yore, jittery actress Brittany Murphy dumped her manager, not the other way around, nor does she do smack and fuck the help. [Page Six]

• Irate supermodel Naomi Campbell, having had more than her fair share of niceties on Tyra Banks's show, turns her wrath on Nicole Richie, who "disobeyed" Campbell by hanging out with Nicky Hilton. Wait — Nicole is still friends with Nicky? Does Paris know? And how do they acheive such a dangerous balance? [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• As it turns out, Long Island's body armor king David H. Brooks — he who just gave his daughter a $10 million Bat Mitzvah with 50 Cent and Aerosmith at the Rainbow Room — is under investigation by the SEC. But at least his little princess is happy! [Fox411 via Page Six]
• Rapper Jay-Z spends two years writing his memoir with writer Dream Hampton, only to freak and refuse its publication. We appreciate being thus spared. [R&M]
• Jayson Blair overheard at a hotel bar in Columbus, Ohio: "I kept rooting for Judy [Miller] to fuck up the paper more than I did, but not even she managed that." At least someone's rooting for Judy. [Page Six]
• Houseboy Kevin Federline refuses to see a therapist with wife Britney Spears, opting instead for a far more traditional session with a psychic. [Scoop]

• At right, the new look of Nightline, premiering tonight. We can't wait to see if Martin Bashir tricks Cynthia McFadden into thinking he's her ally, only to destroy her. [TVNewser]
• Depending on how badly you want to make your eyes bleed, you may want to check out Madonna's "big toe" and ass-cheek goiter. [CityRag]
• Peter Braunstein hits America's Most Wanted levels of infamy. Can the show's prostrate viewers hunt him down? [AMW]
• Wal-Mart in Staten Island? Well, we suppose if it has to go somewhere... [Curbed]
• Author Rick Moody on baseball, and how all writers are on the same team. Except for the Gay ones. [TMN]
• Naomi Campbell goes on the Tyra Banks show, gets halfway weepy, and doesn't beat the crap out of anyone. [Jossip]

• Paris Hilton's engagement ring from ex-beau Paris Latsis is 24 carats of cubic zirconia. Because when Paris does pathetic, she does it big 'n glitzy! [Page Six]
• Supermodels Naomi Campbell and Tyra Banks kiss, make up, and become irrelevant. Naomi's only interesting when she's throwing shit. [R&M]
• That random PR duo we mentioned yesterday? Turns out they're parting ways over "it" boy Fabian Basabe, who's stopped ruining his own life long enough to extend the favor to others. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• Actor Chris Klein won't be cooking his dates any dinner. "At the end of the day, she's cooking the food," he tells Elle, thus ensuring that he'll never get laid again. [Liz Smith]

Sadly, a Bogota dateline not even Naomi Campbell will touch.

• Kate Moss' well-documented coke binge last week doesn't compare to that one time she blew through a fist-sized mound of cocaine with fellow catwalker Naomi Campbell, or when she demanded several hundred British pounds' worth of coke just to attend an event with Nelson Mandela, or that three-way incident with Jude Law and his then-wife, Sadie Frost. [R&M]
• The pre-Emmy party at the Hollywood Roosevelt hotel was a tweenie showdown, with Nicole Richie and Mischa Barton holding court on one side of the pool and Paris Hilton, Mary-Kate Olsen, and Lindsay Lohan on the other. Lohan, being friendly with both "teams," spent most of her time running back and forth. Then Hilary Duff took everyone's lunch money. [Page Six]
• On her last night as a free woman, newly-imprisoned rapper Lil' Kim enjoyed a tearful dinner at Mr. Chow and dancing at PM. All in Gucci, and all for the cameras. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• When Mayor Bloomberg kisses a woman, it's "all teeth, no tongue." Remember that come November. [Page Six]
• Will Martha Stewart take off her chinchilla just long enough to shill for PETA? [Scoop]

• Italian tabloids are bubbling with news that Brad Pitt is planning to wed Angelina Jolie at George Clooney's Lake Como villa. We're not sure how true this is but, even if there's no wedding, we're sure there'll be celebratory lovemaking as they force an orphan into Clooney's possession. [R&M (2nd item)]
• Model Naomi Campbell continues to claw her way through Fashion Week, saving it from ennui up until the very last moment. For tonight's finale, Campbell has scheduled her Fashion for Relief charity show at the same time as Gwen Stefani's L.A.M.B. show, which was supposed to be the week's big closer, and Stefani's rather pissed. We're not even sure who's in the wrong here, but this bitching certainly does feel oh-so-right. [Page Six]
• Photographer Dave LaChapelle continues to rail against Jessica and Ashlee Simpson, which is about as controversial as hating the Holocaust. [Lowdown (last item)]
• So, uh, will French Vogue still let Kate Moss guest edit their December/January issue? [Page Six]
• If God is truly dead, then Michael Jackson has arrived in NYC. [Fox411]

• Naomi Campbell pitches a fit at the tents and, just like that, saves Fashion Week from utter irrelevancy. [R&M]
• When he's not too busy being fake gay with pals from Queer Eye, stereotypical celebrity chef Rocco DiSpirito is allegedly "grabby and stalkerish" with the ladies. [Page Six]
• Lloyd Grove honestly expects you to care that the Olsen twins' bodyguard, Foster Zeh, was once involved in some insurance fraud mess. As long as he keeps our little rat girls safe, we don't care what he's done in the past. He's a hero in the here and now, as far as we're concerned. [Lowdown]
• Yellow Fever designer Jamison Ernest likes to give his single lady friends a present they truly need: a Rabbit vibrator. Is a pity dildo better or worse than a pity fuck? [Page Six]
• Britney's baby boy has the initials PMS. Do with this information what you will. [NYDN]
• Apple Paltrow, whose mother Gwyneth won't let her near instant soup, is a big fan of Jay-Z. The precocious tot actually knows all the words to 99 Problems. [Scoop]