• Fresh off of finals, NYU's Tisch kids show off their final projects tonight. Yes, even baby hipsters have their own Science Fairs these days. [flavorpill]
• While her father was busy wrecking cars and marrying younger women, it seems that Billy Joel's daughter Alexa was learning the music trade herself. The second generation Piano Man-ette performs tonight at the Cutting Room. [Paper]
• Tonight at Galapagos: Extremely horny people discuss their lust in a witty and charming manner. Join Andy Horwitz, Reverend Jen Miller, and Neal Medlyn, among others, at a Nerve reading. BYO sexual frustration. [Scanner]

With every passing day, we seem to learn more and more about our favorite reviled hipster, Blackface Jesus. This morning, BfJ attended the rally for Howard Stern, and he sayeth: "What radio is for the baby, Sirius is for the soul." (Misshapes 3:18)

Friday:
• German DJ/producer team M.A.N.D.Y. performs at Tonic tonight, bringing "hands-in-the-air anthems" to a grateful, never-could-dance-anyway audience. Spaz out with the masses from 10-4. [flavorpill]
• Before digital octet The Earlies were old enough to run away and get hitched, they used to write songs in a penpal fashion, mailing tapes back and forth from Texas to England. In a fairytale ending, they're finally together, so get a taste of the magic tonight at the Mercury Lounge. [flavorpill]
Saturday:
• Just when you thought fake holiday names inspired by The OC couldn't get any worse, we offer you "blogmukkah." Somewhere, Josh Schwartz and baby Jesus are crying. [Upcoming]
• Warsaw's reincarnation as a holiday craft fair couldn't be better: yarn, popsicle sticks, plus DJs and a few dancers to take the edge off. The market opens at noon, and the first thousand shoppers get a free gift. We hope it's booze. [flavorpill]
Sunday:
• E.O. Wilson, Harvard scientist and Pulitzer-Prize winner, lectures tonight at the Kaye Playhouse. As Mr. Wilson is one of the foremost Darwinists of our time, it's unlikely that God, holidays, or "mukkah" will come up in any context. Survival of the fittest, you know. [Upcoming]

You've had a long week, kids, and you've earned your Friday treat: It's time for Blue States Lose, where we sort through the galleries of fucked-up hipsters at The Cobrasnake, Last Night's Party, Misshapes and Ambrel so you don't have to. Then we bring you our 10 favorites each Friday. After the jump, Joey Arak brings you the eye-bleeding magic.

• Opening tonight, JD's Lesbian Utopia features photographs and A/V installations documenting her "ten-day journey through GLBT campgrounds with photographer Cass Bird." Oh the puns, they almost write themselves. [flavorpill]
• Taking the stage tonight at the UCB theater is "Showgirls: The Best Movie Ever Made. Ever," featuring actors posing as the film's writer and cast, engaging in a mock discussion. We suspect it'll be at least half as entertaining as the film itself. [UCB]
• Tinselfrenzy promises free candy and mistletoe along with the five bands scheduled to perform at Rothko tonight. You know you've been hankering for a scream-o cover of "Oh Holy Night." [Upcoming]

• Two dudes posted a request for "Hot Sketch Comedy" on every Craigslist in the country, and a year later, the resultant show, aptly titled "Found on Craigslist," takes stage at Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre. And if it's found on Craigslist, you know what that means: herpes for everyone! [Upcoming]
• Our basic understanding of Haino Keiji is that he randomly bangs on some guitars and calls it music. The catch is, he rarely does so here in the US — so hop on his innovation train tonight at the Stone. [flavorpill]
• Just when you thought they'd gone and taken their Saran-Wrap with them, Christo and Jeanne-Claude, the duo responsible for the Gates, peddle their new book on the project tonight at the Strand. Count how many times they say "saffron" from 6:30-8. [Strand]

...by getting wasted at Marquee, groping young Texans, and getting slapped. You know, the usual.

The Observer went to the anniversary party for the Chelsea club that simply won't die, Marquee — but the who's-who hilarity of typical Transom items gives way to nightlife philosophy in the bathroom. Of course, only an Observer reporter would go to a big night at Marquee and then spend most of his time hiding in the men's room, getting quotes from the attendant:

• Against all odds, Queens rockers Diamond Nights manage to operate on a level that unites both 80's hair bands and hipsters. It's not often that the worlds of guilty pleasures and coolness collide, but we'll be at the Bowery Ballroom tonight, air-guitar in tow, when they do. [flavorpill]
• Speaking of debilitatingly dorky interests being glorified by the season: video games! In public! F NDE RAZOR takes over Barcade tonight, offering booze, games, and a chance to win an Xbox 360, all for a good cause—100% of proceeds benefit The Children's Hospital of Montefiore in the Bronx. [Joel Johnson]
• Feel like you should discuss your masturbation habit rather than continue down the path of gratification? Jonathan Ames hosts The Moth reading of "Can't Help It: Stories About Compulsions" tonight at The Players. Doors open at 7; self-love begins promptly at 8. [Upcoming]

An Amber Alert waiting to happen.

• The DJs from Digable Planets perform tonight at the Canal Room as a part of Giant Step's Annual Toy Drive, this year benefiting the children affected by Hurricane Katrina. A list of banned toys includes Super Soakers and Slip'n'Slides, but classic Water Wings will be accepted. [flavorpill]
• Remember the first time you read Song of Myself as an angsty 15-year-old? Uh, no, of course, we don't either! But apparently people adore Walt Whitman, what with his yawps and his multitudes, and so Harold Bloom, Michael Cunningham and poet J.D. McClatchy convene to read and discuss Leaves of Grass on its 150th birthday. 92nd St. Y, tonight at 8. [Paper]
• As though it's a new thing to hate, loathe, and despise Wal-mart, the good folks at DCTV offer a screening of Wal-mart: The High Cost of Low Price and a follow-up discussion with Liza Featherstone, "leading Wal-mart critic." Wish we'd known that was a career option. [Upcoming]

We're sure you've been wondering what Blackface Jesus, our wonderfully offensive downtown mascot, has been up to lately. When not cruising his usual hipster spots, it seems that Blackface J has been mixing his carpentry with some global thought. From his MySpace blog:

It's Friday — a cold, wet, gross Friday, even — and you know what that means. Not snow nor sleet nor an overwhelming urge to stop forcing ourselves to look at these fucked-up hipsters can keep us from our appointed mockery. Yup, it's time for Joey Arak and Blue States Lose, wherein we sort through the galleries at The Cobrasnake, Last Night's Party, Misshapes, and Ambrel so you don't have to. Then we bring you our 10 favorites each Friday. Enjoy.

• Marina Abramovic's Balkan Erotic Epica features, among other images meant to illustrate the role of sexuality in Balkan culture, "a young girl in peasant garb caught in the throes of self-induced passion." We're pretty sure that's just code for "amateur chick masturbating on tape," but if you need artsy language to justify your hobby, then we're not judging. [flavorpill]
• If you can actually breathe through the cloud of depression and self-indulgence that results when 20 authors gather in one room, perhaps you can make a purchase or two tonight at The Powerhouse Annual Book Signing Extravanganza. [Paper]
• As nothing does, in fact, compare to an Irish, bisexual Rastafarian with a shaved head and piercing blue eyes, Sin ad O'Connor takes the stage herself tonight at Webster Hall. Bring a photo of your most treasured icon for the after-party. [Upcoming]

The feeling's mutual, buddy.
The funny thing about Playboy's holiday party — held last night at Home — is that it was somewhat tame. Not that staff photog Nikola Tamindzic minded; there were lots of boobies both real and fake, but big breasts do not a top playmate make. And, worse, Playmates just aren't as shiny in real life. Thankfully, the civilian girls were willing to get slutty enough to pick up any slack. After the jump, merry T and jolly A.

• Depeche Mode hops on the "Bands that Are More Relevant in a Comeback Setting Than They Ever Originally Were" train with a concert tonight at Madison Square Garden. BYO Personal Blackface Jesus. [Upcoming]
• Fresh from their stint at the Bait Shop, The Subways perform at Stuff mag's "It Issue" party at North Six in Brooklyn. The festivities stretch from 8-1, which might be the longest stretch of time you've ever spent with anything associated with Stuff.
• Confounding Expectations 2: Art Photography Now, the humbly titled collection of 80 top photographers' "unconventional portraiture," features bejeweled fashion models, sterile supermarket panoramas, and other equally random and thus artistic images. Ponder the meaning of it all tonight at the New School. [flavorpill]

Sure, there are plenty of those "Are you a hipster?" quizzes out there, but isn't there an obvious problem with all of them? After all, the scene — like a baby with the brown-apple splatters — is always changing, which instantly dates such quizzes and renders them useless. Think about it: does anybody still hang out at Enid's or think Pianos is hipster ground zero? Of course not. Have you ever even heard of Pianos? Probably just in passing, when you hear old folks reminisce about the good ol' days of 2003.

• Same people, new but equally affected name: Islands, or the ex-Unicorns, rock out tonight at the Knitting Factory. Preciousness TK. [flavorpill]
• Because wild parties, drugs, and loose women shouldn't just be for rock stars, the funny guys from Invite Them Up spit out a recording and now plan to party accordingly. Tonight's record release at the Bowery Ballroom features Eugene Mirman, Jon Benjamin & Jon Glaser, Michael Showalter, Demetri Martin, Leo Allen, and Bobby Tisdale, among others. [Upcoming]
• Loose women of a different variety will be in abundance at Happy Valley tonight, as Miss Amanda Lepore, tranny extraordinaire, celebrates her birthday with David LaChappelle and Richie Rich. Alas, we doubt there'll be a literal happy valley in the room. [Paper]

Like drinking? (Of course you do.) Like the East Village? (Can't imagine why you wouldn't.) Have a spare $670,000 lying around? (Aha. You knew there was something.) If you answered yes to these three questions, then have we got an eBay auction for you.

It's no secret that Blackface Jesus is our new favorite downtown character, what with his half-naked traipsing and offensive facepaint. According to a reader, there is no limit to the depths of Blackface Jesus: