• We got it wrong last time, but Nellie McKay, word wizard and prodigious wonder, actually IS performing tonight at Makor. For serious this time. [flavorpill]
• Oprah's latest monster, James Frey, milks it to the very last damn drop by reading at the Union Square Barnes & Noble tonight at 7. In another world, where people win Pulitzers and know who Virginia Woolf is, Edward Albee discusses his literary influences at The Center, courtesy of the Gray Lady. [NYT]
• Earnest Sewn sells its jeans at an almost affordable price, now through December 9. Make yourself into a beast of trend-denim every night until 7 PM. [Paper]

Blackface Jesus ain't never gonna let you down.

• First twin Jenna Bush loses her wallet, complete with a shitload of cash, at Lower East Side hipster den Happy Endings. Apparently the innocent girl was merely fleeing someone's greasy advances. The poor thing just can't have a peaceful night hanging out by the venue's bathrooms, can she? [Page Six]
• Contrary to other reports (reprinted here, to boot), former HarperCollins PR director Paul Crichton did not leave under investigation for unauthorized spending. Like any good overlord, Judith Regan just prefers to smear him as such. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• The assumedly faux TomKat wedding registry at Neiman Marcus just might be real. How painfully budget. [Scoop]
• Bungalow 8 gatekeeper Armin Ariri now has an acting career, presumably because some ugly producer just wanted to get past the velvet rope. [Page Six]
• Actress Heather Locklear and Bon Jovi guitarist Richie Sambora may be headed for divorce, perhaps because Locklear refuses to try for another child in lieu of reviving her career. As if there were any hope after LAX. [R&M]

A thoughtful reader with a very good point emails us to point out the inherent wrong in our coverage of Grubman PR intern and nightclub proprietress for privileged youth, Lexi Lehman:

• John Huey is finally initiated as the successor to Norm Pearlstine's editorship at Time Inc. The ceremony involved branding, hazing, and some tasty swag.
• Daily News EIC Michael Cooke barely lasts 10 months before scampering back to the Windy City. At least he'll be taking a nice, new pair of shoes home with him.
• The Upper East Side's finest brats open their own under-18 Chelsea nightclub, where they won't be drinking or blowing rails.
• Fabulist Jayson Blair returns to the Times building, but naturally lies about the incident.
• Actor Chris Klein attends the Condé Nast holiday luncheon!
• We haven't sold out to the New York Times Company, but can you imagine if we did?
• Body-armor magnate David H. Brooks breaks all records for nauseating indulgence by throwing his daughter, Elizabeth, a $10 million bat mitzvah at the Rainbow Room, complete with A-list entertainment and princess costumes.
• Woody Allen graces Lincoln Center, prompting us to recall when his films were consistently good.

Friday:
• In the blue-state version of Desperate Housewives, Felicity Huffman plays a transsexual who discovers the existence of her street-hustler son. Catch her female-turned-male-turned-female stint in Transamerica, opening today. [TONY]
• Flavorpill takes over the Guggenheim tonight for its First Fridays series, featuring a live set by Funkst rung, a Munich-based techno duo. If they came all the way from Germany, surely you can make it all the way uptown. [flavorpill]
Saturday:
• DJ Heather's performance at Sullivan Room tonight differs from a bunch of other DJs performing at places tonight in that the proceeds benefit NextAid, in conjunction with World AIDS Day. Do the right thing, 'cause you probably didn't do so yesterday. [flavorpill]
• Garrison Keilor and Co. take over the Town Hall Theater for this month's broadcast of a Prairie Home Companion, which means you have four chances to watch sound effects be made. See (hear?) the triangle in all its glory tonight at 5:45. [Upcoming]
Sunday:
• Martha Stewart speaks at the 92nd St Y tonight as a part of BusinessWeek's Captains of Industry series. We assume the industry in question is dragging down television networks with horrific spin-offs. [Upcoming]

Yesterday we sadly introduced you to 17-year-old Lexi Lehman, the Grubman PR intern who's behind Crush, the Chelsea teen club that aims to provide velvet-rope exclusivity to uptown's privileged 18-and-under crowd. In the Post article on this extra-curricular nightlife project, Lehman explained why an alcohol-free venue was necessary: "Teenagers don't want to be exposed to alcohol or older men. It's scary."

It's Friday, playas, meaning it's time for our favorite game, wherein we sort through the galleries of fucked-up hipsters at The Cobrasnake, Last Night's Party, Misshapes and Ambrel so you don't have to. Then we bring you our 10 favorites, freshly-cooked and ready for consumption. After the jump, let the verbal stylings of Joey Arak guide you through the heart of darkness.

DJ Jess prefers to think of his brand of sex appeal as "painful."
It descended upon the Lower East Side like a locust to a wheatfield or a bedbug to your mattress: Fat Baby, the latest bar to hit Rivington Street and provide shelter for the awkwardly hip and the tragically Jersey. The multi-floored venue, which is gargantuan by neighborhood standards, hosted its Nouveau! party on Wednesday night, so we forced staff stalkerazzi Nikola Tamindzic to turn his lens on downtown's latest midweek warriors. After the jump, more calculated hipness than you can shake a stick at.

Too young and not quite jaded enough to handle the velvet ropes at Marquee and Bungalow 8? Even better, are you under 18 or prefer to stalk those under 18? If so, Crush might be the perfect nightclub for you.

Mick Rock and daughter.
Throughout the 70s, rock photographer Mick Rock shot the likes of David Bowie, Mick Jagger, and Iggy Pop, and somewhere along the way morphed into Keith Richards. We wanted to see how he's holding up, so we sent shutterstud Nikola Tamindzic, to check out his exhibition last night at the SoHo Grand. After the jump, Heatherette types flit about while Mick Rock gets cozy with a girl young enough to be his daughter — who is, in fact, his daughter.

• "Karma has worked overtime for this spacey, neo-psych trio," says flavorpill of The Secret Machines, who headline at the Mercy Corps benefit for vicitms of the Gulf Coast disaster. Well, it sure as hell hasn't for the people down South, so put your hipstering to good use and haul ass to Webster Hall. [flavorpill]
• Over at the Museum of Sex, Tristan Taormino, Jon Hart and Rachel Kramer Bussel take part in reading and panel entitled "Everything You Know About Sex is Wrong." Learn about holes four, five, and six tonight at 8. [Paper]
• Still high on whatever it was that made her design for H&M, Stella McCartney sells her own high-cost designs for cheap(er) today from 11-7. [WUNYC]

As it turns out, two of the constantly recurring stars of Blue States Lose are actually REAL HUMAN BEINGS named One-Half NelSon and Elaine Van Hoorn. What's their story? Says Elaine:

•Lady Sovereign, the 5'1" rap sensation, takes her Napoleon complex out on the masses at the Knitting Factory tonight. Get there early; we doubt you can see her from the back of the room. [flavorpill]
• The Boys of Baraka, a documentary showing through Dec. 13 at Film Forum, follows twenty boys from inner-city Baltimore to an experimental boarding school in Kenya. Social commentary aside, the practical jokes possible when teenagers meet rhinoceri makes this film quite promising. As a bonus, tonight's screening features a Q&A with filmmakers Heidi Ewing and Rachel Grady. [Paper]
• The Brian Setzer Orchestra, Carrie Underwood, and Regis Philbin all in one place? Yes, it's true. So if the hoi polloi aren't your style, allow us to warn you away from Rockefeller Center tonight: the tree gets lit at 7, and unless you do, too, it won't be pretty. [Upcoming]

• Tonight's Jonathan Ames Show at Mo Pitkin's — the last of the 2005 — will feature Reverend Jen, the girl who wears elf ears, Drag King Murray Hill, a mentalist named Eric Walton, Miss Saturn (a girl who uses hula-hoops while stripping), and Mangina and his love Valmonte Sprout. A joke would be superfluous; just go see the show. [JA]
• Music without words is the name of the game tonight, as electronic artists Shark Attack, DJ Clever, Giles Dickerson, and Puzzled perform at Stay, while Pier Bucci and Damian Lazarus take over Cielo. Can't decide? The show at Stay may or may not be free. If that helps. [flavorpill x2]
• Billy Joel plans to spend the majority of his time at the 92nd Street Y tonight talking. All the talking in the world still couldn't explain why he keeps slamming into the poor trees of the Hamptons, but maybe he'll try. [Paper]

• If you can score yourself a sold-out ticket, head on over to the Mercury Lounge to check out British trio The Cribs, who join the pantheon of three-minute-indie-power-rock-the-bands. [flavorpill]
• Little to no self-respect required at Madison Square Garden tonight as Bon Jovi, New Jersey's second most illustrious 80s rocker, hits the stage for the first of two concerts. Lo, the power of Rogaine and delusion. [MSG]
• "True Tales of the Bronx Zoo" promises to deliver, well, that, tonight during a panel of Zoo employees moderated by the Daily Show's Samantha Bee. We're hoping for an elephant gangbang anecdote, but really, any sort of grade-C beastiality reference will suffice. [Paper]

Vanity Fair's big, gay butterfly George Wayne is opening a new Chelsea club called Boudoir — which we expect will either last two weeks or two months, depending on the social calendar. During his sit-down interview with New York (and we are, admittedly, ALL OVER this week's issue), accompanied by Her Flackiness Lizzie Grubman, the discussion turns to Wayne's other professional accomplishments:

Friday:
• The Museum of the Moving Image screens Bertolucci's The Conformist tonight through Sunday. If facism and twisted sex aren't quite your style, Rent and the Ice Harvest are also playing this holiday weekend. [flavorpill & TONY]
• Beyond the Mirror marks the first American-Afghani theater collaboration in history, incorporating first-hand accounts, film, dance, and music into a reflection on turmoil and hope in Afghanistan. They had to come all the way here just to dance — very Footloose. [Upcoming]
Saturday:
• "Paper Engineer" Robert Sabuda demonstrates his celebrated pop-up books this afternoon. We aren't familiar with pop-ups beyond the adult genre, but apparently Mr. Sabuda does wonderful work with winter images and dinosaurs. Channel your inner geek at Books of Wonder from 12 to 2. [Upcoming]
• Flavorpill classifies tonight's Kevin Blechdom and Planningtorock w/ My Robot Friend concert under the genre of "Freakshow," and quite frankly, we can't top that. [flavorpill]
Sunday:
• Finally returned from the wilds of middle America and desperate to get your hipster on? DJ Olive's "forward-thinking exploration of turntablism called 'vinyl scores,'" should do the trick. Rediscover culture with two sets tonight at The Stone. [flavorpill]

You know the shtick: Blue States Lose sorts through the photos of fucked-up hipsters posted at The Cobrasnake, Last Night's Party, Misshapes, and Ambrel so that you don't have to. Then we bring you our 10 favorites each Friday. Enjoy.

Singer Heidi of Quarterslot loves the taste of free booze.
As the thorny growth of the internet parallels that of your binge drinking, it was only a matter of time before before the birth of MyOpenBar, a website that aspires to little more than keeping you abreast of where to score free drinks. Cheapskates and freeloaders descended upon the Delancey for last night's official launch party, where the (naturally) open bar was complimented by a performance from the T&A-friendly Quarterslot. After the jump, resident peeping tom Nikola Tamindzic parties with the budget drunks.