• American Psycho scribe Bret Easton Ellis (AKA Bellis) takes some time to regroup after almost slitting his wrists on the Today show this morning before heading over to the Barnes and Noble on E. 17th street, where he reads from his new book, Lunar Park. Which is about him, but not really. The meta-ness of it all is so very confusing. [Paper]
• Check out Group Sounds at Pianos tonight—a band Flavorpill says is poised to become "Ludlow's very own Kaiser Chiefs." Your level of excitment regarding this claim depends on what you actually think of the Kaiser Chiefs. [flavorpill]
• The pleasantly thrifty folks at Urb magazine present "B-Sides Session" at Joe's Pub tonight, featuring Pigeon John and APSCI from Quanuum, Cool Calm Pete from Def Jux, and Dub Trio. Best to wear your cool shoes. [Upcoming]

• Hubbard Street Dance Chicago, says Flavorpill, is a company that has "built its reputation by presenting diverse works from leading choreographers around the world, featuring a wide variety of dance styles with impressive results." Drunk noodle dancing this ain't. At the Joyce Theater, 8:00pm. [flavorpill]
• Seth "Mnooks" Mnookin appears at Makor tonight for a talk titled, "Hard News: New Threats to Journalism." For the last fucking time: It's not blogs. [92Y] [UPDATE: Actually, this was at noon today. Whoops.]
• Mark Mothersbaugh, co-founder of DEVO and scorer of Rushmore, shows off his artistic side at Fuse Gallery, where a collection of his screen prints and ink illustrations is on display. Pointy hats and jumpsuits optional. [Paper]

• Director David Gordon Green appears at the IFC Center to discuss and introduce two of his favorite films — Michael Cimino's Thunderbolt and Lightfoot, starring Clint Eastwood, and Sydney Pollack's Jeremiah Johnson, starring Robert Redford. Cheapskate bonus: the $10.75 admission price is good for both flicks. [flavorpill]
• Relationship troubles? Head over to Bryant Park for a screening of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf and you'll likely feel a lot better about your situation. 5:00pm. [Upcoming]
• Seth Morris, Brian Huskey, and The Daily Show's Rob Corddry perform as "Naked Babies" at the UCB Theatre. Mr. Morris soon moves to L.A. to become the artistic director of the new UCB Theatre there, so see him here while you can. [TONY]

Friday:
• Werner Herzog's documentary Grizzly Man follows eco-activist Timothy Treadwell as he lived (and, tragically, died) with Alaskan grizzly bears. Shit like this is precisely why we avoid the great outdoors at all costs. [flavorpill]
• What if Willem Dafoe changed his name to William? What if we stopped smoking enough pot to make us wonder such things? Members of Big Flux answer this very question in their latest sketch comedy show. [Upcoming]
Saturday:
• UK grime scenester Kano and Philly/NYC ghetto-crunk scenester Diplo join forces at Knitting Factory tonight. Should be quite the scenester-y show. [flavorpill]
• Method Man, beloved Wu-Tang member and Right Guard deodorant hawker, performs at BB King's tonight with fellow Clansman Street Life. [BB King]
Sunday:
• The lovely people at Solid PR throw a benefit on behalf of the National Multiple Sclerosis Society, featuring music from Oxford Collapse and The Pages. While we can only recommend you go here and not Splash Bar's heinous-sounding "Panty Revolution" party, we trust we've trained you well enough to make the right choice. [Paper]

From left: At the Heatherette/Bendel launch party and an appearance on Being Bobby Brown.
We've not been following Bravo's Being Bobby Brown series (we can only handle so much Whitney Houston, and we hit our limit in 1994), but we know many of you are understandably obsessed with this experiment in pre-rehab reality television. So, to answer the question you dare not ask: Yes, the fellow we kindly referred to as having a "chin 'fro" is, as far as we can tell, the same gifted soul who beat Whitney Houston in an impromptu dance-off at a Von Dutch store.

• Congrats, all you motivated go-getters behind the CBGB cause du jour: A judge rules that the landmark club can't be evicted. Thank you, Baby Jesus! [CNN]
• Starbucks really hasn't mastered proper placement for the advertising. But you don't care, you've been jonesing for some Frappy since you started reading this item. [Copyranter]
• Oh, what we would've paid to see The Donald back in the days when he was stuck running his father's rental office. [The Brandon Show]
• Lest you think gossiping is in the least way disrespectable, we'll have you know that we're taking part in a grand ancient tradition. [Discovery]
• Yeah, we hate the smell of Chinatown in the summer, too. And what's up with the spitting? [Black Table]
• Yes, some media outlets really are so dumb as to fall for urban legends. [LaShawn Barber]
• Sometimes, the jokes are too easy, even by our standards. We'll just point this one out and, well, do with it what you will. [SF Weekly]

• 1970s film noir classic Chinatown screens at the Empire-Fulton Ferry State Park. You've likely already seen it, but go for the memories of a time when Jack Nicholson didn't churn out crap and when Roman Polanski wasn't a pedophile. [flavorpill]
• Drug user? Drug test coming up? Recently arrested for possesion of drugs? Anticipate being arrested for possesion of drugs? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, and you know did, head on over to Galapagos in Williamsburg tonight for the launch party of BUSTED! Drug War Survival Skills. [Galapagos]
• If on the off-chance you enjoy paying for your right to shop, head over to Webster Hall tonight for The Closet, which is billed as a "shopping party event" with 5 international female DJs, a bar, and the best indie designers in New York City. 15 bucks gets you access to this version of gay heaven. [Upcoming]

Joanna Angel and Tommy Pistol are like brother and sister, except sometimes they have sex in movies.
We don't know how you spend your weeknights, but once we were done embracing the glorious freakitude of Heatherette's launch at Henri Bendel we sent Gawker paparazzo Nikola Tamindzic over to Snitch for the premiere of alterna-porn outlet Burning Angel's latest cinematic feat, Re-penetrator. Destined to be a family classic, the film tells of a doctor who revives a dead woman (played by Tommy Pistol and Joanna Angel, respectively). After the two have hardcore sex for 20 minutes, she rips out his organs — a true romantic comedy at its finest. After the jump, Nikola documents a world where punk, porn, and goth all sit at the same lunch table.

• We hear that Steve-O of Jackass fame was spotted claiming that he was "as niggery as fuck" to the black bouncer outside of LES bar Max Fish. Just in case you were wondering.
• Congrats to our baby brother, who finally got his first legal threat from Tom Cruise's lawyer. [Defamer]
• One of the Jonathan Brooklyn writers has a new website, complete with new essays. Just in case, you know, you're looking for something to do. [JL via Beatrice]
• We know you'd never limit your judging abilities to the denizens of NYC media. Share your talent and vote for the hottest brokers. Yep, August is really that slow. [Curbed]
• Courtney Love is off some sort of wagon. [CityRag]
• The LES Starbucks debate continues to putter along. Considering this furor seems to have found its home in the blogosphere, we're inclined to note that the people bitching (ourselves included) are kinda the reason there's a 'bucks on the way. [Eat Drink One Woman]
• Kimora Lee Simmons, the A&E Intervention! [WNBC]

Traver Rains and Richie Rich pride themselves on being prettier than you.
Former club kid Richie Rich once said, "It's what's on the outside that counts!" A man after our own heart (as if we had one, anyway). So when we heard he and partner Traver Rains were throwing a party for their Heatherette clothing line, we let Gawker gimp Noelle Hancock and resident porn-monkey Nikola Tamindzic off their leashes to drop by for an hour. After the jump, Lydia Hearst muses, Michael Musto has a gay ol' time, Fergie 'fesses up about her alleged engagement and Noelle wets her pants. (Two photos not appropriate for work, or life in general.)

• If you're not riding buzztrain for NYC band Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!, you're either respectably contrarian or, more likely, just not a blogger. See what everyone's wetting themselves about tonight at the South Street Seaport, where the band opens for the electrogypsy group DeVotchKa. The event's free, and just steps away from eligible i-bankers. [flavorpill]
• If you're digging the free events but not the hipster vibe, check out the Kid-n-Play classic House Party, showing at Socrates Sculpture Park. That is, if you're willing to haul ass out Queens just to save a buck or two. [TONY]
• Or, on the opposite end of the spectrum, you could just shell out $55 to see Devo awkwardly rock Hammerstein Ballroom. $70, actually, with Ticketmaster fun fees. [OhMyRockness]

Today's Times introduces us to Kevin Cahoon, a Broadway actor who also moonlights as a downtown rocker fronting the band Ghetto Cowboy:

• Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room screens at Makor tonight, followed by a discussion with one of the film's producers and one its writers. The first 30 attendees receive a signed Kenneth Lay mugshot. [92Y]
• Bill Maher signs copies of his new book, New Rules: Polite Musings of a Timid Observer, at the Union Square Barnes and Noble at 7:00pm. His inflated ego signs at 7:30.
• French avant-gardite Colleen plays whatever French avant-garde sounds like at Joe's Pub tonight. Neutral Milk Hotel alum Jeremy Barnes opens with ethno-folk ensemble A Hawk and a Hacksaw playing whatever ethno-folk sounds like. [flavorpill]

• We love it when Flavorpill only has one listing for a given day — certainly makes it easier for us to pick the best one. Tonight, the 'pill points you to two music documentaries, Don't Look Back and The Last Waltz, both of which screen at the Center for Jewish History. Might as well go, 'cause it's not like you have any other choices. [flavorpill]
• Okay, we lied. You have other choices, they're just not ridiculously great. So get your fill of old-school laughs at Bryant Park, where "The Odd Couple" shows for free. You certainly weren't going to pay to go. [Bryant Park]
• If you're looking for something more interactive, Handshake hosts the first ever Grab-Ass Convention at Rothko tonight. We're not quite sure what this is or why you should care, but it does sound somewhat enjoyable. [Upcoming]

We realize we're a little late on this, but it just came to our attention: City Council member Eva Moskowitz recently released a study criticizing the state Liquor Authority for not doing enough to quiet down loud bars. From Moskowitz's introduction:

• Bungalow 8 and Bette restaurant owner Amy Sacco continues her quest for total domination: Sarah Jessica Parker's Prettymatches Productions (how cute) has signed a deal with HBO to produce a tv series based on Sacco's "story." [Page Six]
• Behold the power of Madonna, who's scored a major "get" by luring David and Victoria "Posh Spice" Beckham into Kabbalah's shiny clutches. [Scoop]
• More thoughts on Bonnie Fuller, Abortionist: It's increasingly clear that Demi Moore was never pregnant and, as such, AMI publications were forced to cover their tracks and report a miscarriage. Classy! [Gatecrasher]
• Paris Hilton, it seems, has an imposter. Why anyone would want to masquerade as a mentally deficient harlot is beyond us. [R&M]
• Rick Hilton calls his wife Kathy "Mommy." Didn't need to know that, didja? [Page Six]

Friday:
• The Found Footage Festival, which features 90 minutes of video entertainment culled from discarded VHS footage, comes to the Automotive High School in Williamsburg tonight. Among the highlights are a long-lost Wendy's training video and "Carnival in Rio" — a Brazilian Travel Board production staring Arnold Schwarzeneggar and two Brazilian escorts. Californians everywhere kick themselves a little harder. [flavorpill]
• Minnesota outfit The Hold Steady play the first of two shows at Bowery Ballroom. Tonight's is sold out; tomorrow's is not. Even you can do the math on this one. [BB]
Saturday:
• Continuing with their quest to perform as every possible permutation under every possible moniker not called "Scissor Sisters," Paddy Boom, aka Patrick Seacor, aka SS drummer, DJs tonight at the latest GBH bash at Movida. [Movida]
• 1991 Sundance Grand Jury Prize winner Paris is Burning is an intriguing look into the Harlem drag balls of the 1980s. In a strike of staggering clairvoyance, it's also the title of an upcoming Simple Life episode, in which the plucky hotel heiress visits her Beverly Hills gynecologist (ba-dum-dum). 6:30 at the Walter Reade Theater. [flavorpill]
Sunday:
• M.I.A., Diplo, and DJ Rekha bring some Southeast Asian flair to Central Park Summerstage for a free show at 3pm. Unsure how to characterize the multicultural billing, Flavorpill editors go with the layup: "Shanty Pop." Classy. [Summerstage]

The News introduces us today to a frightening band of alcoholics who find it charming to dress up as pirates and visit New York's bars:

• The second installment of art exhibit "Drunk vs Stoned" opens today at Gavin Brown's Enterprise, featuring pieces that explore the relative merits of both altered states of mind. Can't make it? It runs till September 7th, culminating in a "Drunk vs Stoned" soccer match. We're pretty sure performance-enhancing substances will be permitted. [flavorpill]
• Dave Eggers and his band of swashbuckling crusaders appear at Housing Works Cafe tonight to speak about their new book Teachers Have it Easy, which discusses how America's teachers are underpaid and underappreciated. True, but at least the pervy ones are getting laid. [Housing Works]
• Punk pioneer priestess Patti Smith performs at Central Park SummerStage tonight. On an unrelated note, it's alliteration day here at Gawker Media. [Summerstage]

• A little eco-destruction to go with your daily dose of subway bombings and defective spaceships: Darwin's Nightmare, a documentary on how the Western world faciliated the destruction of Tanzania's Lake Victoria, screens at the IFC Center. Best leave the weed at home for this one, we thinketh. [flavorpill]
• MSNBC's Jeanette Walls and man of letters Sean Wilsey join literary band One Ring Zero at the Housing Works Used Book Cafe for a taping of Air America's "Liberal Arts" program. Songs, stories, and the requisite liberal despair to follow. [Paper]
• The Social Experiment — part variety show, part stand-up act, part improv — bring their unique brand of comedy hijinx to Sin-Sin tonight. Best bring the weed to this one, we thinketh. [The Social]