The man who will, in the absolute best case scenario of his life, go down in history as America's second-most-famous Brad—Bradley Cooper—appears within and without the February issue of W magazine in the costume of a nearly naked French clown. Pasty and slick, straight out of the Comédie-Italienne of your nightmares, he stands in stately profile, bearing his nipples to the world.

Chelsea Handler's bare breasts were on Instagram for roughly half an hour Thursday night after she shared a topless photo of herself riding a horse.

Rihanna, known for inspiring at least one person to copy her innovative outfits, was honored as 2014's fashion icon at the Council of Fashion Designers of America's fashion awards Monday night. Her very revealing outfit for the night highlighted one of the biggest fashion trends of the year: nudity.

Person who's here, Scout Willis, floated through the Lower East Side like a topless ghost Tuesday afternoon, scouting locations where nipples are welcome. So far the list consists of: New York City; not Instagram.

Everyone, apparently. Recently relaunched French Playboy equivalent Lui, currently having fun describing itself as "mysterious," made the bold/lucrative decision to put Ri Ri's tatas on the cover of its seventh issue. It's now having trouble keeping its website up.

As temperatures continue to skyrocket into the low to mid-sixties up and down the East Coast, many beautiful and strange-looking women will soon find themselves faced with the eternal conundrum of summer: how to deal with a too-hot boob. Luckily for some, the NYPD is here to remind us that anything goes in New Boob City! Whip off that top. Wipe off that top-colored body paint. Awkwardly unhook that bra with one hand unless the hook is stuck in which case pull it over your head but be careful not to stretch it. You cannot be detained, arrested, or fined for going topless in public in New York.

One Direction's peppy new video for their single, "Kiss You," features a lot of costume changes, a lot of roughhousing, and a lot of nipple play.

Is it possible to twist someone's nipples completely off? Definitely not, right?

Dita Von Teese, the only burlesque queen that your mom knows by name, is currently plugging her new beauty book. In an 2600 word interview with beauty site Into The Gloss, she runs through her makeup routine in heavy detail. She also briefly talks about how she and ex-husband Marilyn Manson used to dye their hair black together, which really just warms your little black heart.

A beauty contest seeking to discover the ten most beautiful college students in China's Hubei Province has come under fire for requiring applicants to prove that their nipples are a specific distance apart from each other.

Like Barack Obama and Mitt Romney before him, GOP presidential candidate Rick Santorum has been photographed naked from the waist up. Blogger Joe My God has uncovered an image of Santorum sunbathing poolside in Puerto Rico.

Perpetual sexy schoolgirl AnnaLynne McCord, who regularly makes out with her sister in front of cameras, took a topless picture of herself last night and tweeted it at a random fan, who apparently sat in dumbfounded silence when she saw the "gift" AnnaLynne had tweeted at her. "@IAMannalynne <333 ahh thanks! you are so sweet! and thats definitely a great picture!," replied @Meganrae, a random girl from Colorado with a Blogspot about nail polish.

Finally, a follow-up to blockbuster CNN medical article "What to Do When Body Parts Fall Off." Everyone, meet "celebrity cosmetic surgery" provider Dr. Anthony Youn and his latest CNN column, "Smoking Can Make Your Nipples Fall Off."

They are always sending insane contraptions down the runway in Paris, but there is nothing getting as much attention as this ensemble by British designer Rachel Freires. It's made out 3,000 cow and yak nipples and, yes, most people think it sucks.

Lindsay Lohan buys something on the streets of Venice Beach. Dianna Agron thinks Lindsay is "sad." Gloria Steinem hates on the Kardashians. Rebecca Black says she got bullied out of school. Thursday gossip suspends disbelief.

Mercede Johnston—of the naked Wasilla Johnstons—bares her butt, boobs, and the Palin family's secrets in next month's Playboy.

Alexander technique! HIV trends! Antidepressant popularity! Imaginary wrinkles! Expensive food! Sick ticks! Scorpion medicine! Elderly genes! And some very special research by scientist perv pornographers! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—maniacally!

The Online Dermatology Journal has a fascinating paper concerning "Pseudomamma on the foot," which is to say "An unusual presentation of supernumerary breast tissue," which is to say: This woman grew a goddamn nipple on the bottom of her foot. There it is! You can see it for yourself! A foot-nipple!

The strange saga of Zac Efron's extra nipples begins in my email inbox, where a letter from a publicist landed this afternoon. Dermatologist Dr. Sandra Lee wants the world to know that Zac Efron has a third—and possible fourth—nipple. Her publicist included a photo with an arrow pointing to a Wahlbergian speck on Efron's chest. How have we never noticed this before?

The world politely averted its eyes when 17-year-old Taylor Momsen showed her nipple-taped boobs at a concert this weekend. Oops, did I say "politely averted its eyes"? I meant "took a million pictures and pretended to be outraged, thereby creating a flimsy excuse for publishing these perverted images."