Last night was all about sex on the Gossip Girl! Last night we saw self-pleasure, the brassiere of a 15-year-old, and smoldering looks between artists and socialites, queen bees and queen... bros? The swirling eddy tossed these Burberry-shelled hermit crabs around and around, and at times, yes, they did manage to bump into one another. Tentative eyes bulging, well-sharpened pincers opening and closing, opening and closing, and um.. I don't know. More tide pool/ocean current metaphors. On with the recap after the jump. Blair! Was taking a taxi to tingle town last night! You know, a solo ride. There was a joke about "coming" and "arriving" and oh dear, poor shamed Dorota murmured that "God is always watching," which is true. And also sort of sad, because it means that Dorota learned English by sitting in her little muddy house in whatever Shtetl she crawled out of, listening to Bette Midler records over and over again. Dorota would also like to tell Blair that love, it is a flower. And she, its only seed. Anyway! Yes, Blair still lusted after Chuckles but would not say those three irritating words and so it was lonely lingers down lone lover's lane for her. Meanwhile Jenny, with a haircut that makes her look even more like Janice from the Muppets than usual, was toiling away at her job in fashions. Wicked old Eleanor was being mean and not letting the 15-year-old girl sit in on the big buyers meetings. So, spurned by Caitlin Cooper from The OC, Jenny decided to take back the night and reclaim the two party frocks that Elie had decided to pass off as her own. Girl powerz! But trouble lurked on the too-bright horizon, as Caitlin Cooper's eyes glowed dangerously and our young filly trotted off dumbly behind her. Dan and Serena were trying to help Blair with her boy business problem, Dan because he wanted to help Serena out and Serena because... eh. Who cares. What's important is that Dan helped B at first, because why not, but eventually the relationship started to sour. Don't you kind of want them to get together? Wouldn't it be kind of amazing? Maybe (probably) someday. While lurking around Pa Humphrey's silly little art gallery, Serena met Aaron Rose, a laboriously be-scarfed young lad from Rhode Island who did weird art with microphones and various stuff. There was an instant attraction and an instant note of displeasure from my roommate, who correctly asserted that Aaron Rose, in the books, is supposed to be Blair's attractive step brother, not some dinky poor man's Lou Taylor Pucci artist. Ah well. Young Nathaniel Archibald was shirtlessly at the Humphreys' crash mansion, sending shivers of sex lightning to Jenny's (and Dan's) flowery loins. At one point Dan and Serena were chatting about Nate and Dan kept saying "I never knew how much Nate—" and then he would get cut off by Serena's phone. I can finish that here: "I never knew how much Nate loved to wake up early and stare out the window, thinking private thoughts. I never knew that he liked cranberry juice and those little toaster cake things for breakfast. I never knew that when laughs, his eyes crinkle in this way that makes him seem kind but sad, like someone much older than he is. I never knew that when he sleeps he makes these little sighing noises that break my heart, every time I hear them. I never knew how much he makes me feel good and brand new and like the world might just be OK after all. I never knew all that about Nate. I never did. But I'm glad I do now. I'm so, so glad." Which is to say, they're in love. Nate and Dan are in love. Except, sigh, Nate seemed to have eyes for young Jenny in this episode, as evidenced by him acting all concerned and, ick, brotherly when she went traipsing off with Caitlin Cooper and her suspiciously aracial photographer friend. Thus began the "holy shit, that 15-year-old girl is dancing around on national television in her delicates" portion of the evening, which came to a swift, floppy, gay end when Natalie Nate swept in and ended the affair. Oh Jenny was so mad! So mad she could suck face with Nate on the sidewalk. It's weird that she went in for the kiss first. Weird because it made no sense given the story and the context, but whatever. Nate never would have made the first move. Because he's in love with her brother. Deeply, deeply in love (see above.) But before this happened, Dan gave Serena the ol' go-ahead to sex it with Scarf Garfunkel, but too late! He motorcycled off with some other lassie. Sad things. Then Blair and Charles Bass met on the roof and moaned endlessly about Brooklyn and then realized they couldn't be together because they just like the thrill of the hunt too much. They're not daters, they're sexual pirates. And they'll always be that way, sunrise, sunset, forever and ever. And gosh darnnit if these aren't the saddest 17-year-olds you've ever seen, I don't want to live in your town. So many complex adult feelings, so many worries and tangled moral philosophies to contend with. None of that "this goes in that hole" and "I like you, you like me, no? Boo hoo" simplicity that colors most teenage interactions. (Which isn't to say that kids aren't deep wells of tortured emotion, they are! But they kind of keep it inside, I think. I think? Maybe not anymore. Maybe we're in some new era of well-articulated emotional disclosure. Who the hell knows.) Anyway, these poor kids. Doomed to languish within the fences of their own designs. The Cookie Monster girl boxed in by her own sweetness, the blonde socialite limited by her tiresome fairness, the British sad clown ruined by his rakishness, the bitchy brunette too cold to thaw out, the uptown boy Greco-Roman wrestling with some unseemly longings, and the Brooklyn lad who loves an Uptown boy, his heart stretching out across rooms and rivers, while an unseen God watches it all from a distance. He watches for the pleasure. He watches for the pain. He watches For the Boys.

The Dow finished lower again today and could get below the psychologically important 8,000 mark this week. Wait—there's a show about privileged, beautiful people on? Peace out, troubles! WATCH Gossip Girl [8 PM, CW] - Jenny (throat-bacteria victim, Taylor Momsen) befriends a model who convinces her to buck up professionally and let loose in her personal life. Serena and Dan go to an art opening as friends but things get weird when Serena meets an artist who strikes her fancy. Meanwhile, Blair attempts to seduce all-time genius Chuck. No one looked or talked like this at our high school, but we probably drank as much as them.The Hills [10 PM, MTV] - Details of tonight's episode are pretty hard to find, but we're 100% sure Spencer will still be acting like a douche. Also, Lauren Conrad appears on the After Show to deflect direct questions.

[Update: Now with a minor correction, and also an awesome Ted Stevens statement!] Ted Stevens is guilty of violating ethics laws, and not understanding how the internet works. Hah, just kidding, it's just the fraud stuff. His insane jury, made up of Alaskans DC residents [deny them congressional representation and see what happens, Senators] who kept having violent outbursts, found Stevens guilty of seven charges of corruption. He doesn't have to step down from the Senate, of course, and he's still running for reelection next week. He has said he will not step down. Which is awesome. What with the presidential election going on, we've barely had time for prominent congressional Republicans to face embarrassingly public trials and indictments, like in 2006! In 2006, America watched in glee as Republican congressmen Randy "Duke" Cunningham, Bob Ney, and Tom DeLay all faced indictments on the eve of the midterm elections. Resignations and bitter GOP infighting soon followed! Ney refused to resign until days before the election! Oh, then Florida congressman Mark Foley, uh, had some sort of scandal involving sexy, sexy underaged male pages. Also there was this Jack Abramoff guy! It was an exciting time, sort of. Now we are so busy with Barack Obama being a socialist and John McCain being old that Ted Stevens getting kicked out of the Senate, finally, after 200 years, seems like some happy afterthought. So. Corrupt Alaska Republican fucks his own party and loses an election. Who knew Alaska would matter, this year?

For months, fans obsessed with Zack Snyder's superhero opus Watchmen have harbored fears about the movie's epic running time, wondering whether the version that comes out in theaters (assuming it ever does) would be cut or uncut. Now, thanks to the HD version of the second Watchmen trailer, we have a new focus for that very same question: Billy Crudup's bare, cerulean penis! As big blue hero Dr. Manhattan, Crudup spends the bulk of his on-screen time in the buff, and unlike the anachronistically clothed Spartans that starred in Snyder's 300, the director is allowing Crudup to let it all hang out. So, is it real, or is it CG? The NSFW wang, after the jump:

Until their recent breakup, the unlikely pairing of actress Natalie Portman with scruffy, Manson-resembling troubadour Devendra Banhart had people asking, "What exactly does she see in him?" We tried to explain that starlets love themselves some hairy hippies, but still, the naysayers would not be deterred. Now, Banhart may have provided some insight into the matter with the album art for his upcoming side project, Megapuss. Baring all in a very, very NSFW manner, the folk singer shows off what had until recently been the sole property of one Queen Amidala:

We could have trekked to this weekend's Fantastic Fest in Austin, but when it became clear that so much of the programming would eventually just come to us — and that Austin is in Texas — our minds were made up to stay put. Alas, look at what we missed: The World Air Sex Championships, the product of Japan's most sublimely dirty minds and the globe's most cutthroat faux-coitus competitors. It's exactly what it sounds like, and as such, the accompanying video requires little additional comment besides an obvious "NSFW" and congratulations to all the contestants. There truly are no losers here. [Viddler via SpoutBlog]

Jossip put up their pictures of Jared Paul Stern's wife Ruth Gutman sleeping with Deane Benbenek! [NSFW, duh.] Or, uh, pictures of what looks like Gutman having sex with a chubby guy. Benbenek, who provided the photos, is a chubby guy (he's on the far right here), and JPS isn't, really. So there you go. We put some SFW headshots of maybe-Ruth right here in this post in case you are curious, and still at work. Full set: Jossip (NSFW)

Click to viewSex tapes. We've all seen them. Hell, by this point, we've probably all made them (and that includes Molls)! But even on your loneliest of lonely nights, when you dial up RedTube in search of the dirtiest, kinkiest porn that the Internets have to offer, we'd bet you dollars to donuts that none of you ever typed the words "Mini-Me Sex Tape" into Google looking to get off. That is, until now. According to our friends at TMZed:

You'll recall Harvard junior Lena Chen as one of our official compulsive oversharers. She's a sex blogger whose ex leaked naked pictures of her once. Now, in addition to the sex blog, she's got a more personal blog intended to correct the fact that Chen is "famous on the internet for all the wrong things." This makes it the perfect venue for pictures of... well, I'll just say it: of Chen right after getting "a facial." Demerits to Chen for posting the photo to the wrong blog, thus making it horribly oversharey. But points to the protocelebrity for the following: Releasing the sex pic herself so it can't be used against her; writing a brief caption that frames the picture as both more feminist and kinky than it appears; chipping away at the shame around a taboo sex act (end facial oppression!) and, most importantly, putting the fear of obsolescence into Julia Allison, the former Georgetown sex columnist now pulling down six figures as a Star editor at large. [Chicktionary]

Remember when we met Barack Obama's "body man" this morning? The improbably named Reggie Love? Remember how Obama consoled him when "embarrassing pictures of an inebriated Mr. Love from a fraternity house party surfaced on the Internet"? It took like 20 minutes for people to find these photos! They ought to play well with the "drunk frat cracker" demo. Here's one of the incriminating photos. The NSFW one is after the jump.

So. Remember how Harbinger Capital Partners is buying and destroying the New York Times and the very institution of journalism itself? Almost 500 of you should! While we've focused mainly on jocular idiot Scott Galloway, the marketing professor Harbinger forced onto the Times' board, we neglected to mention that the founder of Harbinger is a character in his own right. His name is Philip Falcone. He owns a hockey team! He bought Bob Guccione's house! Also: he and his wife donated the legal maximum to the Republican National Committee. His wife, by the way, is an aspiring novelist and Look Book participant. And a former "model" who maybe exposed her fake breasts in respectable Hollywood films. After the jump, embarrassing photos of the men who are destroying journalism and the women who are producing their babies. (NSFW!)

So. This is the trailer for a "documentary" called Demons for Hillary. If this trailer is any indication, the film presents a series of man-on-the-street interviews with people who are scared of Hillary Clinton interspersed with pixelated hard-core pornography, including a delightful set piece in which little people in dime-store devil costumes take advantage of nubile young women. Which is why Hillary is not fit to be President. You can download the whole film right now for ten bucks! Could someone else do this and report back to us? We are too scared to. The film came with a baffling press release. "AVAILABILITY: Filmmaker Todd Fligner is available 24/7 -Los Angeles, Ca, nationwide by arrangement and via telephone. Great last minute interview." We're sure! Full press release after the jump. It involves the phrase "threesome tirades."

Why do men in Silicon Valley join Apple engineer Gints Klimanis's fight club? In this clip, Limanis tells ESPN:

Can you imagine a photo op that Julia Allison wouldn't attend? What happens in Vegas goes instantly to Valleywag, Allison knows, and so she flew to Las Vegas to attend Randi Zuckerberg's bachelorette party. Zuckerberg, whose wig-and-sunglasses disguise did not deter the Web's paparazzi, is a budding Web video star, Facebook's marketing director, and, unlike younger brother Mark, an actual Harvard graduate. In what's surely a first, Allison, the tech-obsessed TV personality, managed not to hog the camera; she's in only one of the shots. Facebook's Meagan Marks also appears sporting what looks like a freshly acquired head wound. A slip and fall on the dance floor? Our informants are investigating. In the meantime, enjoy the evidence of Zuckerberg's bacchanal. A warning: If plastic sex toys offend your coworkers, one photo may be unsuitable for office computers.

New Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg did not get the job because she has any grand vision for the company. The self-described "tough-love leader" is at Facebook to clean things up. She can start with Facebook's messy ads. Sometimes they're laughably mistargeted; at other times, they're abundantly unsafe for the office; and on occasion, they actually cause Facebook to lose clients. The five most inappropriate Facebook ads our tipsters have told us about, below.

Judd Apatow has fulfilled his promise to "shake Americans from their squeamishness about male anatomy in movies" by featuring Forgetting Sarah Marshall star Jason Segel completely nude in the movie's pivotal break-up scene. And as the LAT pointed out yesterday, Segel's manhood provides the film's "most captivating screen presence" (sorry, Kristen Bell). But Apatow and his cool comedy clique aren't the first ones to boldly focus their cinematic lens on male actors' full frontal displays. We took a look back on Segel's predecessors to showcase other (pun intended) ballsy big-screen cameos by the likes of Bruce Willis and Ewan McGregor after the jump. Just a warning, this is NSFW.

Face-of-Wonderbra with that porny name, Dita Von Teese, has a predictably porny past. Hot. [Fleshbot]

Occasionally, when the planets align just so and the sun strikes the Earth at the exact right location, we witness that rarest of phenomena known as Disney Ads on Smut Sites. Or at least that's what gutter-minded rabblerouser Drunken Stepfather calls it, having caught as many as six different instances of Walt Disney World Web ads aligned beside Egotastic's recent coverage of sex tapes, flashings and other NSFW (and definitely NSFDW) mini-scandals.

Four seconds of grainy video of someone who might possibly be Lindsay Lohan [Fleshbot]

Yahoo's recently launched video site is having a difficult time catching up to Google's YouTube. It did find one way to get pageviews though: porn. As of this writing, Yahoo has a pair of hardcore porn movies hosted in the Yahoo Video Health & Beauty section. Click on to see some mostly-safe-for-work screenshots and links to the not-safe-for-work videos in question.