It seems like wherever you go these days, some jerk is trying to talk you out of smoking and drinking all day. The latest know-it-all jerk moves: Regular citizens acting like the smoking police. And warning labels—on booze!

Hey, what's the deal with all these NYC criminals wearing New York Yankees hats? Could it be the ubiquitous and overwhelming popularity of the Yankees in NYC, where they're based? That's a boring theory. Can't we blame Jay-Z somehow?

The Way We Live Now: spreading fitfully. Moving warily. Gazing wistfully. Charging droopily. It would be an overstatement to say that good times are here; nevertheless, we can safely say that bad times are... somewhere. Here? That wouldn't be good.

The MTA is redesigning its service advisory posters to give NYC subway riders a clearer idea of which lines are fucked. But they're refusing calls to cut off those ceaseless shrieking emergency-exit gate alarms. Don't want to improve too much!

NYC's stressed! And obese! And un-restauranty! Vending machines kill! Personal trainers chill! Depression is ill! The dentist is for girls! Medical student hobos! Money and happiness! Punches in the nose! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, watching your health—degenerating!

Beleaguered New York City residents, already on the lookout for bedbugs and raccoons, must now beware of skunks, which wander boldly through uptown Manhattan, daring you to make one false move. What next, alligators? We're hoping for alligators. [NYT; Pic]

Tip! "There is some sort of bomb scare on 51st & park. They closed down the street and put police tape around this sweet black Mercedes. They also blew out the tires. We are not aloud [sic] to leave the building."

Across New York City, our wealthiest restaurateurs are under assault from the poors—and their lawyers! Many celeb chefs you know and love from television are being sued for ripping off their workers. Where's tort reform when Morimoto needs it?

In what we interpret as a consequence of normal global weather fluctuations rather than evidence of the veracity of any pseudo-scientific liberal "global warming" agenda, New York City just had its hottest summer ever. How hot was it?

Just as bedbugs have taken over our internet, our media, our tourist attractions, and our movie theaters, we get a new pest to deal with: raccoons. Yes, raccoons, where you live. Christ. What infernal vexations must we fight off next?

Yesterday we told you about Briana Ojeda, the Brooklyn 11 year-old who died of an asthma attack after an officer stopped and delayed her parents as they rushed to the hospital. The big question now: who was that officer?

Caroline Giuliani, Harvard student and daughter of Rudy, will have her charges for shoplifting cosmetics from Sephora dismissed in exchange for a single day of community service. That's reportedly the normal outcome for first-time petty shoplifting charges, okay? [Pic: AP]

On Sunday, Phillip Tisson scored the winning goal for St. Lucia's soccer team in its game against St. Kitts-Nevis in the Digicell Caribbean Cup tournament being held in Brooklyn. Hours later, he was shot dead.

Last Friday, 11 year-old Briana Ojeda had a serious asthma attack. Her parents put her in the car and took off for the hospital, careening the wrong way down a one-way street. An officer stopped her. Briana didn't make it.

Nicole John, the 17 year-old daughter of the US ambassador to Thailand, fell 22 stories to her death at a Manhattan house party last week. Her death's been ruled an accident. But the hand-wringing over her lifestyle's only begun.

The US Ambassador to Thailand's teenage daughter fell 22 stories to her death early this morning, in what was apparently an accident during a party in Manhattan.

Online game titan Zynga just saw its advertising firm hit with cleaning bills and fines for gluing fake money to sidewalks in San Francisco to promote the Zynga game "Mafia Wars." Now, they're doing the same thing in NYC. Scofflaws!

Another day, another reason to be astounded by the good health and long life of New Yorkers—known to be the most fit and attractive Americans of all. How is the indefatigable cut of our jib wowing scientists now?

Lt. Col. Vincent Nyakarundi, a veteran of African peacekeeping missions, is Rwanda's first-ever military attache to the UN. He doesn't need to come all that way to get mugged. Could you face crime with the equanimity of Vincent Nyakarundi?

Tabloid hussie-hisser Andrea Peyser usually ends up writing about sex fiends, but that's only because sex fiends are the city's greatest menace. She is always alert for other menaces. Like bicyclists—foreigner bicyclists.