Assume the position of enthusiastic worship, New Yorkers—we have a new Subway Hero! An unidentified one, at that. Does he live up the heroism of the original subway hero, and the actor subway hero? Yes he does, very heroic!

I live in Brooklyn. I like it. But, fuck me, I was under the impression that Brooklyn was pretty cool until I started reading all the analysis of it. Now I hate it.

Abduwali Abdukhadir Muse, the Somali pirate lucky(?) enough to be brought to NYC for trial, pleaded guilty yesterday to the failed hijacking of Hero Captain Richard Phillips' ship. His case is unspeakably sad. But it could be worse!

In the last six months, three New Yorkers have died after hopping down onto the subway tracks to retrieve something they dropped. Subways are not funhouse playlands! Are you being unsafe underground? This easy guide should help.

Deal alert: Rush Limbaugh has cut the price of his gaudy Fifth Ave. penthouse by $1 million. Now you can enjoy Rush Limbaugh's interior design sense for a mere $12.95 million. Buy it and make NYC a better place! [Curbed]

Minorities in NYC are nine times more likely than whites to be stopped and frisked by cops—but no more likely to be arrested. This proves that minorities are suspicious characters. And lo, Andrea Peyser spies suspicious Muslins, praying suspiciously!

Sometimes we believe that tabloid sex goddess Andrea Peyser writes her columns solely to "push our buttons," by focusing on the two topics we are most passionate about: 1) Hot sex, and 2) Wal-Mart. Andrea is in favor of both!

The authorities instruct: If You See Something, Say Something. That's how they found the car bomb, you know! Of course, this is hardly practical. You see something every day in New York. When to actually say something? A guide, below.

Police have found the owner of the bomb-laden Nissan Pathfinder. He's "not considered a suspect."

Wal-Mart is once again trying to build a store in NYC. Unions, call your goons!

Unaccountable billionaire Mayor-For-Life Mike Bloomberg jets off to his massive Bermudan estate many weekends, where he plays golf, spends money, and zealously guards his privacy. That's what you get when you elect an unaccountable billionaire Mayor-For-Life, New Yorkers. Duh. [NYT]

Guess who showed up at Obama's speech at Cooper Union today about Wall Street reform? Goldman Sachs' own Lloyd Blankfein! And many other financial execs. Balls of gold, they have. They'll all get stuck in traffic going home, anyhow. [NYT]

Mike Bloomberg—not only our selfless, dollar-a-year salary mayor, but a massive philanthropist, too. What's not to like? Well, how about the fact that his charitable foundation doesn't want to pay taxes here, in the United States of America?

According to a new study, 55% of announcements on the NYC subway system are "garbled or incorrect." The MTA responded, "Wokwokwokwok." [NYP; Pic via. Related] Update!

Poor, idealistic members of the Blue Man Group. All they wanted to do was build a magical school where preschool kids could smear shaving cream on plastic rainforests under black lights. Who knew they'd have to charge $30k?

Deputy NYC mayor Ed Skyler, Bloomberg's top aide, is leaving his job (for money).

A building on Conselyea Street in Williamsburg collapsed today. Dickchicken is getting great publicity.

Starting in July, all NYC restaurants will have to post the letter grade they receive on their city cleanliness inspection. Note: "C" is a failing grade. It does not stand for "Copacetic," no matter what Taco Bell tells you. [NYT]

Edgy NYC is back! A five year-old child's Lamborghini-bedecked birthday party in Queens was shot up yesterday. A homeless guy punched a 91 year-old female Rite Aid cashier during a robbery. And a 99 year-old man was beaten with a steering wheel lock in an argument over a parking space. Awesome! Now if we can just get some violent junkies back in Tompkins Square Park, we'll all be edgier by osmosis.
[Pic via]

In order to "take some of the angst out of" the subway experience, the MTA has spent nearly $400 million on those countdown clocks that tell you when the next train is coming. (No time soon.) [NYT. Pic via]