From the network that brought you "Paranormal Cops" and that show about the exterminator comes a new drama about the dramatic tedium faced by New York MTA workers. Well—it would be coming, if the MTA had its shit together.

The Way We Live Now: Hobo hamboning it up with a mouth harp harmonica happy hopeless hoe-down tune-playing, without a care in the world or enough lint in our pocket to buy a zeppole, not that we could anyhow.

The slow death of Genuine New York continues apace: Ubiquitous NYC drug store Duane Reade, with over 1 million locations in your neighborhood alone, is being bought by boring corporate drug store Walgreen. Man. Remember when purchasing gum was real?

A Radio Shack on Sixth Avenue and 19th St. in Manhattan has been totally destroyed after a manhole explosion at about 11:30 reportedly "sparked a transformer fire." Looks seriously apocalyptic. Daily Intel got this amazing photo; aftermath photos below.

Coming in March: Poster Boy: The War of Art. The kid got a book deal, huzzah! You might say it's "too soon," but is it really? Hopefully the law's not taking all his money, yet. Exciting publisher's boilerplate description below.

An urgent, belated news bulletin: Lisa Guttilla, a gym teacher arrested Friday for illegally sexing up a 14 year-old girl, taught at the same high school as the famous Hot Sexxxy Lesbian Teachers. James Madison High's amazing current scandal tally:

Police now believe that Jeff Locker, a distraught motivational speaker beset by debt, drove to East Harlem last July, bought condoms at a bodega, then asked a man named Kenneth Minor to kill him, for his ATM card. Minor obliged.

Beleaguered outlaw vandalartist Poster Boy was arrested again last week, for cutting up subway ads in Brooklyn. His effort at sweet-talking the cops left something to be desired.

Residents of New York City now have the longest life expectancy ever. Thank you, thank you. Thanks. How do we do it, besides killing each other less frequently? By not making the common fitness mistakes of Middle America.

Michael Mineo is a 25 year-old tattooed former gangbanger who says the NYPD sodomized him with a nightstick. The NYT's account: Chilling and poignant. The Daily News' account: Matter-of-fact. The Post: 'Victim,' in scare quotes. Choose your own adventure!

New York City subway riders are uniformly befuddled by the emergency brake! Why aren't there detailed instructions? "If it just says ‘emergency,' you're going to pull it for any reason." Does it make the train go faster? [NYT]

The Way We Live Now: Fleeing the crumbling aftermath of a disaster-stricken hellscape. Having taken in the stark, hopeless, post-apocalyptic nature of their once-thriving home, citizens are getting out however they can. (Manhattanites, we mean.)

Explosion blows off manhole covers and shuts subway stations in Brooklyn Heights. Don't panic.

As you can see in this photo (thanks, reader), 7th Avenue in Midtown has been shut down by police, due to a "suspicious package." Internal email warnings, continuous updates, and photos of the purported terror bag, below. Plus: David Paterson!

Abduwali Abdukhadir Muse, the Somali pirate who survived the Navy SEALs snipers only to be brought to NYC for trial, has had two new ship hijacking charges added to his indictment. While in jail! See how dangerous he is? [NYT]

Cops have closed part of Times Square because a raggedy, tarp-obscured white van has been parked there two days, suspiciously. Well. If you had a parking spot in Times Square you wouldn't move, either. [CBS] UPDATE: Prestigious evacuations!

Thank god they had the good sense to do this on a slow news day. [Twitpic!]

Gothamites seamlessly transitioned from post-Christmas good will into pre-New Year's surliness, with a violent subway fistfight. We huddle around our laptops and trashcan fires to watch, indulging our ill-concealed bloodlust. Milk this bloody decade for all it's worth, you vampires.

Get ready for the disgusting reality-check of the day. This video from the NYC Department of Health says that a can of soda a day can make you ten pounds fatter a year. The truth has never been so grotesque.