The ill-concealed dream of every flyover state art school grad and casual hip hop fan to move to Brooklyn has finally come true: Williamsburg is officially the city's worst urban hell of rusting empty buildings. Just like a real ghetto!

Was puking pug dog owner Chrissie Brodigan roughed up by the NYPD simply for tending to her dog, and its throwup? The most powerful cop in New York is now involved in the case. Read between the lines, people.

Gambling, gangsters, celebrities, creeps—Las Vegas is "journalism heaven," says this guy. OH? We know a few cities that would dispute that. Newspapers may be dying, but news is alive and well. Where are America's Best Stories? Candidates below!

Yesterday, Chrissie Brodigan said she was manhandled by a cop and arrested just because her pug dog threw up on the L train. But the cop says she's a raving anti-Semite! Let's explore this breathtakingly minor controversy.

The media needs heroes in these dark days. And what is more heroic than fighting off a Sex Thug, hmm?

Christopher X Brodeur, the kind of inspiring lunatic and perpetual media critic and NYC mayoral candidate who was news around here back in aught-five or so, is now homeless. Can he crash on your floor?

"New York Post Stalkerazzi" is one of the most repellent job titles in all the media—until they attach their leech-like suction lips to someone truly deserving. Then they're great. Today in justified stalkings: Ruth Madoff rides the subway!

The Metropolitan Museum of Art laid off 357 people today. This will save them $10 million—$28,000 per layoff. They still have 2,200 employees. Several uncultured questions:

The Way We Live Now: For the children. Well, for the kids. Well, for the college kids. They're kids, really. They need protection from this cruel, dirty world. And when the colleges go broke? Where will the kids go?

We support the idea that kids should eat healthy food. Theoretically. But when it involves a crazy mom ranting against birthday cupcakes and battling Girl Scout cookies, we must demur. Meet MeMe Roth, publicist and food Nazi mother:

Are you a resident of New York City? If you answered 'yes,' have you passed away in the last two months? Surely you have. Look to your left. Look to your right. Both of those people have swine flu!

Ha, Vanity Fair just put out their NYC summer guide, but hey—don't ask them for a reservation at Monkey Bar! Owned by Vanity Fair's Graydon Carter! Because they can't get you one! Eh? Their guide also features errors:

Lock and load, New Yorkers. A terrorist has just entered the island of Manhattan. We also have a pirate here, and Bernie Madoff, cause we are the baddest, yea! But seriously, a terrorist is here, to kill you.

A raw sewage overflow has caused Parks Department officials to close two NYC beaches today (Coney Island and Manhattan Beach). Did you get that? Raw. Sewage. Overflow. 'Knew it before, but: nasty. [New York Post]

As of this morning there are 171 news articles about the totally harmless rat snake—a popular type of pet—that was found in a Bronx apartment. It did not eat anyone, yet.

New York City, which is broke, of course, is selling off naming rights for its city parks. For mere millions! Using sociogeographical insight and imaginary marketing expertise, we have compiled a list of exactly who should buy these rights for a half-dozen parks. Read it and argue:

You want a powerful opening statement, bitches? "In the annals of stupid ideas, this has got to be the worst. Ever." Ever! What is sex fiend columnist Andrea Peyser talking about? Something everyone else thought was a good idea:

We'll give you one guess: Which is the heaviest-drinking class of "professionals" in England? If you said "the media," you are well acquainted with the media's habits! In fact, we hear that some media workers here are going into the booze business as a dependable second job:

The rhetoric is over. The violence has begun! A bomber is on the loose! New York City has been struck by its fourth explosion in as many years, a slow reign of anarchist terror as the yuppies slumber. The message: "Bourgeoisie, repent or die." Or maybe: "We are bored teenagers."

So, the trial of the dastardly family member accused of swindling old NYC high society queen Brooke Astor is underway, and guess who took the stand yesterday? Our old friend, Vanity Fair's Graydon Carter! He had a sad tale to tell (with a silver lining!):