You, the consumer, are not a scientist. Nor are you a trained chef, a biologist, a doctor, or even a rational person. Nevertheless, you are purchasing only “natural” food.

“What’s this box of Froot Loops say? All Natural? Put er right there, in the cart, next to the booze.” This is the shocking internal monologue of the “typical” American consumer at the grocery store, just buying anything that says “natural,” no matter what, because you assume that that is “just as good as getting an annual checkup.”

News flash, my granola-munching friends: you have no idea about anything! USA Today reports:

The percentage of people who regularly buy food labeled natural has grown from 59% in 2014 to 62% in 2015, yet confusion abounds, according to research out Wednesday from Consumer Reports. The study shows the majority of people don’t know what they’re paying for when it comes to natural labels.

I won’t keep you waiting on “natural” tenterhooks to reveal to you the truth about what exactly “natural” food means, in the US of A. The answer... is... nothing! Five years ago the word meant: nothing. Today: still nothing. Because “use of the word is not regulated” by the FDA. And despite the regular publication of this very story by legitimate blog media outlets such as this one, you, the consumer, continue to buy “natural” food in ever greater quantities. So the fact is that your laughable attempts to maintain your health in the face of Big Corn Syrup’s domination of the food industry by purchasing products labeled “natural” or “artisan” or “protein” is... completely worthless! If you are not wealthy enough to eat a balanced and nutritious diet, Big Food has nothing to offer you except for “natural” High Fructose Corn Syrup Enriched Natural Sugar. I am sure that you, personally, are still a nice person, however.

Enjoy your “natural” Poison-O’s, American consumers. You earned em!

[Photo of health food: Flickr]