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At Defamer HQ, there is hardly an event more breathlessly anticipated than Miss Golden Globes Day, in which the Hollywood Foreign Press announces which teenage celebrity offspring will be plucked from relative obscurity, momentarily paraded on stage during their alcohol-drenched awards ceremony in an extravagant gown, and then immediately returned to a life of languishing in the shadow of their famous parents, left with little more than the fleeting sensory memory of the overpowering whiskey fumes rising off slurry presenter Harrison Ford. At a ceremony taking place earlier today, Lorraine Nicholson (the 16-year-old daughter of multiple Globe-winner Jack, should you not be familiar with her work), like every Miss Golden Globe that has come before her, emerged from a twenty-foot-tall, gilded vagina representing "Mother Hollywood" (modeled, legend has it, on the ladyparts of pioneering actress Mary Pickford), a powerfully symbolic entrance dramatizing the honoree's glorious rebirth into the show-business community. Please join us in recognizing young Nicholson on this special day, then in looking forward to the profoundly uncomfortable moment in which daughter and proud, scene-chewing Dad appear together onstage, when Jack will find himself unable to resist the temptation to tick off the names of each of Lorraine's predecessors with whom he's enjoyed a sexual relationship.

[Photo: Getty Images]