So, this was touched on in yesterday's gossip roundup and again today but I don't think we've quite managed to capture the gravity of the situation: Samantha Ronson wipes herself with the cardboard roll when she runs out of toilet paper and Michael Lohan is possessed by Satan or Scientologists. Now, full disclosure, I have long harbored a personal weakness for Samantha Ronson, who has an awkward paparazzi face and blogs in complete sentences because she was born during the Carter Administration and is also the only celebrity I endorse in white jeans. But I was also counterintuitively fond of Michael Lohan, until he used this nasty little piece of information to ahem smear his daughter's DJ girlfriend in the F-list tabloid press. "Have you ever seen her apartment?" he demanded — I guess not rhetorically? — of someone at the paparazzi agency X17. "For God's sake, when she runs out of toilet paper she tells people to use the cardboard roll. (I was told this first hand)."*It gets worse.

There is a lot more to Samantha than meets the eye! Not that what we see is soooo pleasing anyway!I I mean, what's with this ...."person"??? Look at the way she "dresses"? Once more, she uses her middle finger more than she uses words! Personally, I think she is dark, hideous and a disgusting representation of humanity!

In stark contrast to:

Now, Joe Francis is attacked for speaking out about Samantha, when he too cares about Lindsay and is concerned about Samantha's effect on Lindsay.Joe Francis is a good person and even a better businessman. He wasn't a bad guy when he flew Lindsay around on his jet, opened the doors top his home or tried to help, was he? Of course not, because Samantha wasn't around. Sounds familiar with regard to me as well !!!!

Michael proceeds to go on and on about how it is "God's will" that Lindsay be delivered from the evil clutch of Samantha and her terrible indie rock parties and art films back into the self-affirming sphere of enrichment centered around His Benevolence Joe Francis. I knew Christians could be bizarre, but I am pretty sure Tom Cruise and David Miscaviage are somehow behind this one.

*Like, what the fuck are you supposed to use? I mean, when you've gone through the napkins, paper towels, tampons, cotton balls and the contents of the HP Laser Jet 1020, what's left? (Related: can newspaper ink give you an infection? Discuss.)