Rest assured, America: Lawless hippie dope fiend Michael Phelps will not get a pass from the brave sheriff of Richland County, South Carolina. Nor will A-Rod assert independence from Madonna without consequence.

  • The sheriff in Columbia, South Carolina said he would investigate the possibility of criminal charges against Michael Phelps in connection with that bong-smoking picture of the Olympic champion. Because otherwise who knows how many Columbia children the athlete will turn into degenerates. [People]
  • Si Newhouse might close Allure, even though the beauty magazine loses way less than Portfolio. (Disclaimer: Pretty much all magazines ever lose way less than Portfolio.) [P6]
  • Madonna introduced that young Brazilian model to her kids in order to make Alex Rodriguez jealous, and to ruin theher children's chances of ever living normal, healthy lives. It's all working! [Gatecrasher]
  • How do you make your fashion show both cheaper and more coveted? Cut the capacity by more than half. Marc Jacobs is a genius. [Gatecrasher]
  • Britney Spears has been having panic attacks during which she locks herself away in various rooms. [Sun]
  • The Post asked Sean Combs why he refused to be randomly searched by police officers while going about his daily business. Don't take it personally, Sean, the Post is constantly asking everyone why they can't just let the police have their way with them. [P6]
  • Angelina Jolie hasn't gotten around to watching all the movies she made. She got paid for them, but not enough to suffer through a viewing. I mean, seriously. [Sun]
  • Hit by the recession, Ugly Betty had to sell her unused West Coast home. Well, try to sell. Ha. [Scoop]