Heart attack triathlons! EZ-fix knees! Swimming keeps you alive! Fat mixing! Fitness cruise! Post-baby bodies! And the only weightlifting tips you'll ever need to watch! It's your Monday Fitness Watch, where we watch your fitness—while sipping opium-laced lard juice!

  • Greg O'Keefe had open heart surgery just a year and a half ago. On Sunday, he was back and participating in the New York City triathlon. He also dared the doctor who did the surgery on him to participate in the triathlon as well. And the doc did it, although if I was a doctor I would have been like, "Uh, come in for a follow up visit, and I will kill you with poison." I guess the lesson is you never know in this crazy world, of fitness.
  • Looking for an easy fix for your deteriorating knees? Sorry, there is no easy fix. I mean, besides tons of opium.
  • A study finds that swimmers have a lower death rate than joggers or walkers. Ha, better move to Water World, where you always swim and never walk! Ha, I guess it's cause of all the opium those joggers are doing for their bad knees! Ha, yea a lower death rate—except drowning! And shark attacks! Swimming is a fine time.
  • It's not just overeating that makes us fat; it's overeating "combined with the wrong mix of fats in one's diet." A good mix of fats includes a balance of omega-6 and omega-3, whereas a bad mix of fat contains bacon and cake frosting mixed in a blender.
  • Fitness cruise! Hell no.
  • Still trying to lose that weight after having a baby? Sure, you could listen to Kendra tell you how to do it, or some celebrity trainer who works with Gwyneth Paltrow. But an easy method that really works: buy only enough food for your baby.
  • This is how you lift weights.