Matthew Morrison flees his rat-infested home. Nicolas Cage's binge-drinking weekend melee gets weirder. David Hasselhoff is "in like" with a woman half his age. Halle Berry's custody battle forces her to quit a play. Monday gossip is filthy.

  • Musical washboard Matthew Morrison, who plays the singing Spanish teacher on Glee, has been driven from his home by rats: "I came home and World War III broke out in my house. There was rat poop all over my house when I got home. I go upstairs and there was a huge rat in my bed. And like, poop and feces all over my bed." What followed was a reverse Pied Piper: Two rats led Matt on a crazy chase, eventually tricking him into abandoning his own home and checking into a hotel. "This is my house that I own. Now I want to put it back on the market!" Yeah, good luck with that, now that the entire world knows what a festering pit of poop that place is. [Us, image via INF]
  • You know how Dog the Bounty Hunter bailed Nicolas Cage out of jail after an arrest for domestic assault and disturbing the peace at the end of a night of binge drinking, in which Nic forgot where he lived and went to a tattoo store? Well, the tattoo shop's surveillance video is out, and I am sad to report that there is no image of Nicolas Cage getting ASSHOLE tattooed across his forehead, just footage of Nicolas Cage staggering around while his wife tries to convince him to leave with her. Bo-ring. [TMZ]
  • Speaking of Nicolas Cage's wild 'n' crazy weekend, the "resisting arrest" part comes from when he leapt out of a police car and "ran a block south toward the river, where he tried to get into a cab." What, you didn't think an A-list celebrity was going to ride in a vehicle with commoners, did you? "There was a woman outside with a baby in her arms shouting, 'Please don't hurt us!'" Amazing. [People]
  • David Hasselhoff went to Coachella with half-his-age girlfriend Hayley Roberts, and said he is "in like" with her. He added that he really wants to take her to the sock hop, but needs to get a cootie shot first. [Radar]
  • Arnold Schwarzenegger feels bad about his body: "I feel shitty when I look at myself in the mirror… I'm not competing, I'm not ripping off my shirt and trying to sell my body. But when I stand in the front of the mirror and really look, I wonder: What the fuck happened here? Jesus Christ." Coincidentally, that is the same inner monologue all of America has every time we watch you doing something political. [Newsweek]
  • Charlie Sheen regained custody of his twin sons because their mother, Brooke Mueller, just checked back into rehab. When Charlie Sheen is considered the "more fit" parent, you are screwed. [Radar]
  • David Arquette is "sick of" talking about the state of marriage to Courteney Cox, and we are sick of hearing about it, so hooray! Let's just stop. Right now. No, don't go near that Howard Stern microphone, David. Not again, David! Noooooo! [Us]
  • According to Yvonne Yorke, "Award-winning journalist and Huffington Post Royal Correspondent," Kate Middleton's wedding dress designer is a British lady named Sophie Cranston. I hope Kate goes down the aisle naked, just to spite us all. [HuffPo]
  • On vacation in Hawaii, Owen Wilson "debuted" his 3-month-old son (translation: Owen Wilson inadvertently wandered through the range of a paparazzo's telephoto lens) and the baby was already wearing giant sunglasses. In Hollywood, the babies are born that way. [Us]
  • Halle Berry was supposed to make her Broadway debut this September, but is dropping out due to "child-custody issues." Now Samuel L. Jackson is the only A-listers left in The Mountaintop, which means he'll be forced to hang out with weird theater kids all by himself! Eewww! [Popeater]
  • Darius McCrary's ex says he used to sneak around her house and peep into her windows, then call her and tell her, "look outside," at which point she would turn around and come face to face with Eddie Winslow from Familiy Matters. No further comment necessary. [TMZ]