Lindsay Lohan screams drunkenly into the void. Kristin Cavallari's fiance dumps her. Leighton Meester sues her mother. Chris Evans is "drowning" in "raging insecurity." Ben Affleck has Bieber hair. Monday gossip is a lost cause.

  • Lindsay Lohan got trashed at a series of hotel bars this weekend and ended up alone, crying, screaming, and "barely able to walk." Radar Online reports that LiLo threw back martinis and vodka even as a friend "shot the waitress a look and shook her head as if to say 'Don't give that to her.'" By 2AM she "could barely stand. She was trying to stabilize herself on the chairs. Then she made it over to the curtains and hung on them." I'm picturing her like a terrified cat, claws out and clinging to furniture to avoid a bath. Mrrowww don't make me sober up, hiss spit yowl. The manager came to help her and "she kept saying, 'Thank you. All my friends left me.' Then she picked up her phone and started screaming, 'Everybody left me! Why did everyone leave me? Where are you?'" The manager dragged her to the door, where LiLo wobbled before a throng of paparazzi, climbed into an Escalade, and sped away. But wait—is that a police siren I hear? A caterwauling Maine Coon? No, it's the Gossip Cop, and his wail of justice: "Really? NO. Lohan tells Gossip Cop exclusively that the Radar Online story is 'such a lie.'" Gossip Cop, arrest this cat at once. [Radar Online, GossipCop, image via Pacific Coast News]
  • Speaking of LiLo, she's jetting off to St. Tropez on Thursday and will stay there for a week, even though her judge reprimanded her for shirking on community service and therapy sessions last week. Last time Lindsay ditched probation to party in Europe, it went very well. [P6]
  • NFL quarterback Jay Cutler dumped reality star fiance Kristin Cavallari, even though Kristin already had an engagement party, had registered at Crate and Barrel, and was already receiving wedding gifts from total strangers. [People]
  • Kristin is "devastated" (just once, I'd like to see a dumped celebrity be "elated") and soothed her soul by going clubbing with Nicky Hilton and Alessandra Ambrosio. No engagement ring. [DailyMail]
  • Speaking of newly single ladies, Jennifer Lopez celebrated her 42nd birthday in Miami, looking "radiant" and "very happy." [People]
  • Leighton Meester is suing her mother. Apparently Leighton sends her mother $7500 a month for the care of her younger brother, but Constance Meester spent it on plastic surgery, Botox, and hair extensions instead. Constance once tried to sue Leighton to get her allowance increased to $10,000. [NYDN]
  • Ben Affleck wandered around Santa Monica with Bieber hair. [X17]
  • Chris Evans says he is "drowning" in "raging insecurity." He doesn't know how to be a sex symbol. He didn't even like superheroes as a child, and preferred "playing with Care Bears and My Little Pony." In the sequel, Captain America will fight crime by drowning his enemies in his sad, salty tears. [Us Gatecrasher]
  • David Chappelle's shittiest stand-up show to date includes standing around texting on a stage at a casino. He had to issue an apology to an entire tribe of Native Americans. Unclear whether the Seminoles of Florida will accept it. [TMZ]
  • Kim Kardashian's bachelorette party included "minimal raunch" and Scott Disick. [Gatecrasher]
  • Socialite turned failed reality star Tinsley Mortimer is back together with restaurant biz boyfriend Brian Mazza. If a reality star falls in love and no cameras are there to record it, does it make a sound? [P6]