American princess Kim Kardashian and her towering beau are changing their tax status. Charlie Sheen and his once-upon-a-time bride Brooke Mueller are celebrating sobriety, of all things, in Mexico. Lady Gaga's been surfing. Today's Gossip Roundup is strutting down the aisle in a satiny white gown, taking your breath away.

  • Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries are getting married today! It is the most important wedding since the one that happened earlier this year with the British prince and his shiny-haired princess; it is a royal wedding for America, with even shinier hair and better bronzers. Years from now, wedding historians will look back upon this day as one that captivated the nation and provided a much-needed testament to the strength and honor of true love. It is a day for Americans to stand tall and proud—as tall as Kris Humphries, if possible. So why was our bride looking so sullen yesterday as she shopped around Beverly Hills? She looks like she's on her way to court (not divorce court, no no not that ... let's go with traffic court). Was she worrying over details? If we were in her Louboutins, we would be scared shitless and thinking thoughts like, "What if the planners ordered the wrong napkin rings? What if the chicken is tough? What if I actually don't love this man after all?" [NY Post]
  • We'd also probably spend our Wedding Eve posting videos of ourselves teaching Heidi Klum how to do eye makeup. Heidi looks so Klumdashian. [Kim Kardashian]
  • Speaking of eyes, and eye regions, you can't get married with sloppy eyebrows! Everyone will laugh at you—not just at the wedding, but years and years later. People remember these things. This is why Kim called up her eyebrow pal Anastasia to pluck away all her stray eyebrow hairs, to make sure that nobody ever laughs at her ever again. [Kim Kardashian's Twitter]
  • Top Momager Kris Jenner took to her blog to post a picture of her "Dearest Kimberly"—sans smokey eyes, plus decorative nose spots—and to share some sweet words of CelebMom Love: "I still remember you as a little girl playing dress up in my closet like it was yesterday!! I can't believe the time has flown by so fast," writes Mama J. "I am so very proud of you and I am so happy you have found such happiness!" Yeah, this marriage will probably go a lot better than the first one! This time it's foreal. [via Celebuzz]
  • The reception entertainment includes performances by Stevie Wonder and Earth, Wind, & Fire. This is kind of impressive, actually. [NY Post]
  • Late last night, Kris Humphries was tweeting his brother-in-law-to-be, Rob Kardashian, about mustaches. [Kris Humphries' Twitter]
  • And what does Rob have to say about all this wedding action, anyway? "YEE!" That's what he says. [Rob Kardashian's Twitter]
  • Will last-minute invitee Ellen DeGeneres show up? Oh maybe, if she can find some klothes. [E Online]
  • The picture payoff for the Kardashianganza will be 1.5 million in People magazine bucks. If gossip mags paid that kind of money to regular folks, everyone in America would be getting married, and there would be no more poverty or lonely singles or broken homes. Everyone would just spend their days being in love with each other, and sometimes participating in yacht races. [TMZ]
  • Okay, enough about dream weddings and onto horrific post-weddings. Pretend-Juggalo Husband Charlie Sheen has taken his twin-momma Brooke Mueller to Mexico to reward her for "busting her ass with the boys" and for being "more sober and healthy than I've ever seen her." Charlie Sheen is a sobriety coach. [TMZ]
  • Lady Gaga also went to Mexico, to surf. Her bikini looks like it's made out of regular bikini material, not a food item or anything. Weird. [US Magazine]
  • R. Kelly sold his house in Chicago for $2.64 million. It's got a lot of closet space. [Sun-Times]
  • Lindsay Lohan's earning her Juris Doctor from the law school of life. Most of her courses take place in criminal court, but sometimes she mixes it up by going for a civil trial. Now she's suing the rapper Pitbull for this lyric: "Hustlers move aside, so I'm tip-toein, to keep flowin'/I got locked up like Lindsay Lohan." Her suit claims that Pitbull's using her name for commercial purposes, and that the line constitutes "disparaging or defamatory statements ... destined to do irreparable harm to the plaintiff." Lindsay Lohan's never been to jail! Those few weeks behind bars were just research for an upcoming movie role. [NYDN]
  • Real Housewives of Beverly Hills star Taylor Armstrong says her husband Russell, who committed suicide earlier this week, beat her up so badly that "he cracked bones in her cheeks," requiring her to undergo surgery. When he found out that Taylor told fellow Housewife Camille Grammer about the abuse, he sent Camille a scary email—as if she didn't have enough problems. [TMZ]

[Images via Getty]