A new government report says that 38% of American women aged 15-44 have never ever been married, not even once. What is wrong with them? Something. Nobody likes them? Apparently. Anyhow. They're not as hopeless as everyone thinks!

Ladies, 38% of you may be surprised to learn that it's not as hard to get some dude to marry you as you think. If you follow our simple four-step process, you'll be a married and (synonym alert) worthwhile member of society before you know it.

IT AIN'T THAT HARD LADIES

1. Find a boyfriend. You think this is hard? It's not. Go up to some dude who's roughly as attractive as you are, say hi, then a little while later start sexing him up. Then strongly imply that if he wants to continue sexing, he has to be your boyfriend. Now you have a boyfriend. If this is too skeevy, just imply that you will sex him up, if he becomes your boyfriend. Now you have a boyfriend.

2. You can't just jump right from the boyfriend stage right into the marriage stage. This is where a lot of mistakes are made. You have to chill for a while. Continue sexing.

3. Now okay, it's been a while and you're like, hey, "If you like it then you had better put a ring on it!" in a sassy manner. Why would he say "yes" to such a demand? Because you tell him that while you're sexing. He'll say yes. No takebacks.

4. Schedule the wedding as soon as possible after sexing.

Well now you're married.

[Photo: Cristian Santinon/ Flickr]